Friday, December 4, 2015

FedEx just delivered my goddamn wheelchair.

You’ll have to bear with me for a while. I’m busy eating three amazing fried pies from The Original Fried Pie Shop, a featured vendor at Mesquite’s newest designer truck stop and food mall, Fuel City. A couple of hours ago Sam did a drive-by at Fuel City and came home with a box of tacos and three sugar-free fried pies, which we’ve been stuffing relentlessly into our mouth holes without coming up for air. This seems like an appropriate activity while we wait for FedEx Freight to deliver my Drive Medical Sentra Extra-Wide Bariatric Wheelchair for Big Butts. Please pass the napkins.

Oh my God. It’s here.

At last — after nearly two months of waiting, yelling, pleading, maneuvering and outright hysteria — FedEx just delivered my goddamn wheelchair! I had a fried pie in my mouth (please see the first paragraph, above) when I heard the truck pull up in front of the house. Sam signed for the delivery, did a brief celebratory happy dance and then took off for Tom Thumb to buy himself a decadent dessert from the bakery and a pound of deli American cheese for yours truly.
Incidentally, when Sam unpacked the wheelchair carton we immediately discovered two things: 1) this is a VERY heavy and VERY sturdy piece of equipment for large yet attractive senior citizens who like to travel in style; and 2) THE PADDED ELEVATING LEG RESTS WERE MISSING. To say I’m not surprised would be the understatement of the century. I called my personal customer service dude at Shoplet and he said he’d have Drive Medical ship the leg rests to me on Monday. When this ordeal is finally over I want to beat him unconscious with my cane.

And now it’s time for a glorious nap and my all-time favorite sleeping movie: The Rains Came (1939) starring Myrna Loy, Tyrone Power, George Brent and Maria Ouspenskaya as a chain-smoking East Indian queen who plays bridge. (Seriously.)

Thanks for stopping by. In case you’re not ready to leave please hold the noise level down for a while, okay? I’m trying to sleep here.

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