Runaway cows invade Mesquite, Texas.

Holy cow, people — and I mean this literally — I’ve got TWO HUGE AND JUICY NEWS STORIES for you today, and neither of them have anything whatsoever to do with Republicans for a change.

RUNAWAY COWS INVADE MESQUITE, TEXAS. An 18-wheeler hauling 97 cows to Oklahoma overturned this morning on a freeway ramp here in Mesquite, killing at least one cow. The driver, who was not injured, said he lost control when he rounded the curve of westbound 80 to the I-635 north ramp, across the street from the AMC Mesquite 30 theaters, Old Navy and Ross Dress for Less. Animal Control officers were called to the scene and one-third of the cows were corralled quickly out of the overturned truck. Deputies also caught one unarmed runaway cow heading towards Town East Mall.

The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) the vicinity of the aforementioned on-ramp to the I-635 north; C) Town East Mall; and D) our favorite Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market, where Sam picks up prescriptions and buys my favorite Jell-O cups.

I’m also pleased to include the following photos taken at the scene of this morning’s cow disaster.

MY CANNED YAMS ARE HERE. Just in time for Sam & Marcy’s Annual Untraditional Thanksgiving Hoo-hah ... this afternoon FedEx dropped off my highly-prized order of Bruce’s canned yams sweetened with Splenda. SUGAR-FREE YAMS! Damn, I didn’t even know these beautiful things existed until I found them on Wal-Mart’s website a few days ago and ordered a couple of large cans for the pantry! I’m so excited I can hardly stand it.

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Tonight for dinner I treated myself to Mountain House’s freeze-dried Pasta Primavera entree for nearly-crippled senior citizens who can’t stand up to cook their own dinner any more, which drives us crazy. This is a tasty vegetarian dish made with corkscrew pasta, zucchini, adorable peas, broccoli, cauliflower, colorful bell pepper flecks and a pleasant parmesan cheese sauce. No kidding, this was a really nice entree. My only complaint? The sauce was TOTALLY LIQUID even though I reduced the boiling water (like I always do) from 2 cups to 1¾ cups. Next time I’ll cut back to 1½ cups and hope for a better outcome. (I ate the whole pouch regardless.) We have awarded Mountain House’s Pasta Primavera with a four-chopper rating.

Damn. It’s a few minutes before midnight and my cell phone battery conked out sometime early this afternoon and automatically shut itself off ... BUT I DIDN’T KNOW IT UNTIL A COUPLE OF MINUTES AGO. Which means Sam was probably trying to reach me from work and couldn’t, and I’ve been shlepping around the house all day (and all night) not realizing I had no means of emergency communication whatsoever. THIS REALLY STINKS. I’ve got my phone plugged in now and recharging, but I really enjoy being pissed off about shit like this.

For the record, I have a year-old Doro flip-phone (stop laughing) from Consumer Cellular, an excellent communication company for senior citizens featuring lots of “large print” telephones with amplified volume and low cell phone rates. They also have smart phones, which I considered only briefly due to never leaving the house and not needing a phone that duplicates any of the features of my desktop Mac (email, Face Time, Internet access, etc.). I like the Doro flip-phone because it’s easy to read and it fits in my bathrobe pockets.

Thank you for reading this. Now please go away and let me write some emails in silence.