Monday, November 23, 2015

I’m a goddamn mess. But I’m a happy goddamn mess.

It’s Monday, people, and I’m deliriously happy to start a fresh new week at Howdygram headquarters ... mostly because I can’t believe I survived a thoroughly miserable pain-filled Sunday during which I limped, moaned, kvetched, cried, shlepped and whined while consuming as many prescription painkillers as possible. GOD BLESS DRUGS. And although I swore to Sam I was feeling much better today, the truth is I’m only feeling somewhat better. The skin on the back of my thighs is hyper-sensitive and bleeding, my heels are killing me and my knees are stiff as a board. I’M A GODDAMN MESS. But I’m a happy goddamn mess. Here’s my most up-to-date Shit-O-Meter reading for your possible interest.

According to the Dallas metro area — which is home to Howdygram headquarters — has a wet and stormy Thanksgiving in the forecast, as indicated below. This is thoroughly fine with us, though, because Sam and I bring in a large volume of food from Boston Market and eat an early dinner in our bathrobes with William Powell and Myrna Loy. The festivities begin around 3:30 or as soon as the turkey gets hot.
To help us celebrate the long holiday weekend and Sam’s additional week of vacation that gets underway on November 30, this morning my adorable significant other paid a visit to Costco to load up on exciting things to eat. Today’s haul included several of our favorites — Cape Cod chicken salad, a dozen giant muffins, teeny tacos, chicken flautas, spicy guacamole cups — as well as BRAND NEW FABULOUS WHATNOTS that we haven’t tried before, including Foster Farms Buffalo Breast Bites, Sum-m Crispy Vegetable Spring Rolls and four trays of frozen crab rangoons. With sauce! We’re so goddamn excited we can hardly stand it.
Tomorrow Sam will stop in at Wal-Mart to pick up a large supply of sugar-free Jell-O cups, a few bottles of Coke Zero and a two-pound tub of potato salad. Because there’s no such thing as too much potato salad!

Governor, Asshole-in-Chief and Xenophobic Pussy Moron Greg Abbott (R-TX), in a display of traditional GOP Christian values, announced on Saturday that all humanitarian nonprofit organizations in the state of Texas will be required to ignore Syrian refugees in need of help. This follows Abbott’s announcement last week that Texas will not accept any people fleeing war and violence. Because God bless Texas. Any nonprofits that do not comply with Governor Abbott’s executive order will face losing all federal funding.
Agencies that assist with refugees in Texas, however, pushed back at Abbott’s bigoted stupidity, arguing that resettlement is a federal responsibility and governors don’t have any authority to make such a directive. The executive director of Texas Impact, an agency that works with resettlement agencies, wrote in a letter to the state that Abbott’s move “constitutes an unprecedented attempt on the part of a state agency to pressure private, nonprofit organizations to violate federal law and their federal contractual obligations.”

In other words: FUCK THIS GUY.

The time at the tone will be 9:23 p.m. Beep! This means my priorities for the immediate future will include all of the following activities: 1) finishing my cup of tea; 2) peeing; 3) shlepping into the family room to watch “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” and “People’s Court” from the comfort of my chaise lounge until Sam gets home from work at 11:30; and 4) I can’t think of anything else.

It may interest you to know that I’ve discovered a true guilty pleasure watching “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” but I honestly don’t know why. The whole pile of ’em are basically repulsive, self-absorbed, meaningless, clueless and empty except for a smattering of blameless Kardashian toddlers under the age of five (Penelope, Reign, Mason and North) who also happen to be cute and surprisingly unaltered, so far, by plastic surgery.
Thank you for reading this.

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