Wednesday, November 25, 2015

I’ll just have to continue gasping, fainting and farting until I can reach my cardiologist.

Happy day-before-Thanksgiving to you and yours! I’d be interested to know how you celebrate this holiday, such as what are your favorite things to eat, do you cook, are you alone, are you wearing underwear and what’s for dessert. Thank you. Here at Howdygram headquarters we observe Sam & Marcy’s Annual Untraditional Thanksgiving Hoo-hah with an overpriced heat & serve turkey dinner for six from Boston Market — a nice easy-to-carve turkey breast, stuffing with fetal vegetables, mashed potatoes, tan gravy and a sack of gentile dinner rolls — followed by an undetermined number of William Powell and Myrna Loy movies while wearing bathrobes. If you think this sounds goddamn wonderful, you’d be right!

Howdygram headquarters is shocked to report that Costco’s popular rotisserie chicken salad has poisoned 19 people in seven states with E. coli bacteria. And two very unlucky slobs have developed hemolytic uremic syndrome, a scary type of kidney failure.

Costco has stopped making and selling their rotisserie chicken salad and if you have any at home in your refrigerator you should throw it away immediately or (better yet!) donate all of it to the Donald Trump campaign at 3330 Westown Parkway, Suite 15, West Des Moines, Iowa 50265. Thank you.

This will be a REALLY HUGE DAY around here due to we’re expecting a shitload of important FedEx packages from:
  • WAL-MART. Toilet paper, paper towels, body wash, Bruce’s sugar-free canned yams, sugar-free York peppermint patties, Truvia sugar-free brown sugar and a sack of plastic teaspoons. 
  • AMAZON. Mountain House freeze-dried Biscuits & Gravy, Rice & Chicken and Macaroni & Cheese for senior citizens.
  • SHOPLET.COM. My Drive Medical Sentra Extra-Wide Bariatric Wheelchair for Big Butts with padded elevating leg rests ... plus a handy-dandy 104-pound pallet.

It happened yesterday [see post] and it’s happening today, too: I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO FAINT. When I finished lunch this afternoon I got up off the sofa to walk into the study and almost didn’t make it. No kidding, the room started to spin, everything went “dark,” I’m gasping for air and I thought for sure I was going down. I only made it as far as the bathroom, however, sat down for a couple of minutes to regroup, and then I headed straight for the bedroom because it’s no big hoo-hah if you faint in bed. You can’t break your neck and you don’t have to call the paramedics afterwards to hoist you off the floor, the latter of which actually happened in February [see post].

After a two-hour nap — during which I most likely blacked out — I treated myself to a deliriously wonderful shower with my favorite smell-good body wash (Nivea’s Touch of Waterlily) and finally maneuvered my ass into the study to email a bunch of Happy Thanksgiving cards and rehydrate a bag of Mountain House freeze-dried Macaroni & Cheese for senior citizens. A product review follows immediately.

Holy cow, people, Mountain House’s freeze-dried Macaroni & Cheese for senior citizens might be the best-tasting macaroni & cheese I’ve ever had, and it’s so much like homemade that I even detected little hard crusty baked-cheese things in it! Unfortunately this only earned our four-chopper rating (rather than five) because the package directions were way off. They tell you to add 2 cups of boiling water. I used 1¾ cups instead because I like thicker sauce, but even reducing the water by ¼-cup wasn’t enough and when it was time to eat after nine minutes there was a lot of unexpected liquid floating around at the bottom of the pouch.

Mazel tov to me ... I JUST FIGURED IT OUT! I did some research online and found out how come I’ve been fainting for the last couple of days. This is one of many side effect from a medication — Metoprolol — that my cardiologist prescribes to slow my heart rate. (I have a heart condition called “atrial fibrillation.”) Here’s a list of all my side effects just from this one stinking prescription, which I didn’t realize until about an hour ago when I checked out WebMD. Ready?
  • Very low blood pressure (severe)
  • Dizziness (severe)
  • Feeling faint (severe) 
  • Joint pain (severe)
  • Trouble breathing (less severe)
  • Dry mouth (less severe)
  • Gas pains (less severe)
  • Numbness and tingling (less severe)
  • Taste problems (less severe)

According to this list I’ve got four side effects that are considered “severe” — A GENUINE QUADRUPLE WHAMMY! — and I’m supposed to contact my doctor right away to kvetch about it. Unfortunately, it’s 9:30 Wednesday night the day before Thanksgiving and Dr. Singh won’t be back in his office until Tuesday next week, so I’ll just have to continue gasping, fainting and farting until I can reach him. This is a real doozy of a situation, isn’t it?

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