Monday, November 16, 2015

Has your wee-wee ever looked like bayou sludge with alligators in it?

BIG FAT NEWS FLASH FOR EVERYBODY: It’s 2:30 Monday morning and I have another Shitty Mystery Fever! I woke up about an hour ago after a brief nap in the family room and BLAMMO ... I was shivering, I had body aches, my joints hurt like hell and I smashed a toe on the corner of our coffee table. (The smashed-toe incident has nothing whatsoever to do with a low-grade fever but I thought I’d throw it in because PAIN.) To cheer myself up I’ve decided to sit here at my desk in the study and entertain you for a while, okay?

Incidentally, last time I had a Shitty Mystery Fever a couple of weeks ago I emailed Dr. M and asked what the fuck is always causing this, and she said, in my case, it’s definitely a URINARY TRACT INFECTION because they’re very common (and serious) in diabetic old ladies such as yours truly due to chronic kidney disease and our crapped-out immune systems, and she wants me to come in to see her next time it happens, like now, for instance. Later this morning I’ll find out if she really needs to see me in person, which could be a major hoo-hah for me because I don’t have a wheelchair right now, or if Sam can just drop off a wee-wee sample in a lab cup so she can prescribe something.

You know what? I’ve had a lot of UTIs during the last few years! I remember one from 2013 when my wee-wee sample looked like sludge from the bayou with alligators in it. The lab reported an abundance of E. coli and I needed three rounds of antibiotics before I felt like my regular moderately-lousy self again. Holy shit, right?

Today’s big brouhaha at Howdygram headquarters is SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS! The fireworks are supposed to start around 10 a.m. and roll through here almost nonstop until 8 o’clock Tuesday morning, including WIND and three or more inches of HEAVY RAIN. I have no problem with this. Storms are good and I always support FREE WATER.

Here’s another fine example from A Retiree’s World of Meaningless Accomplishments. On Sunday I finished designing Howdygram headquarters’ Hanukkah cards for 2015, printed them out on expensive high-gloss card stock and addressed all the envelopes. I am very proud of me, and you should be proud of me, too. Thank you.

If you routinely order your holiday meals online (who does that?!) this would be a fine time to check out Thanksgiving from HSN, where you can purchase this uninspiring frozen turkey banquet from 3rd Street Gourmet for only $179.95. And the product description doesn’t tell you how many guests this thing will feed, which is definitely a stupid omission. Also on sale right now are lots of Heinrich Himmler’s Wolfgang Puck’s weird and overpriced kitchen helpers, including a battery-powered corkscrew, oven mitts, cutting boards, garnish tools, mixing bowls with handles and a set of silicone spatulas. Everybody needs silicone spatulas, right?
Thank you for reading this. I definitely have to go to bed now.

No comments: