Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Donald Trump the real estate genius has just reinvented concentration camps.

Hi, people. I hope your day is swell so far. It’s 10 a.m., Sam is at Wal-Mart buying assorted tasty crap from a list and I’m hanging out with you and the Howdygram. Also drinking a can of Diet Sunkist soda because sometimes a girl needs faux vitamin C.

Incidentally, I included something new on Sam’s shopping list this morning ... IDAHOAN MASHED POTATO CUPS. A few days ago I found these by accident on Amazon and ordered a case of the “loaded baked potato” flavor. Today Sam is shopping at Wal-Mart for the regular “buttery homestyle.” Jesus H. Christ on a soda cracker ... I NEVER KNEW THESE EXISTED! Fabulous little single-serving cups of mashed potatoes are another perfect food for senior citizens in addition to my beloved Mountain House freeze-dried entrees. It’s ready in three stinking minutes, you never make more than you can eat and nobody has to rinse a dish afterwards!
And now, dear readers, I NEED YOUR HELP because I haven’t set foot inside a grocery store since 2008 due to being an old person with many mobility difficulties. Aside from everybody’s favorite ramen noodles and these adorable little cups of Idahoan mashed potatoes, WHAT OTHER TASTY FOOD THINGS ARE SOLD IN INSTANT CUPS NOW? Amazon also carries instant Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and chicken-flavor Rice-a-Roni, but I’ll bet there’s more. So please send an email with detailed information and EVERYBODY WHO CONTRIBUTES WILL RECEIVE A VALUABLE PRIZE. Thank you!

There are multiple news stories tonight from the 2016 Republican clown car. First up ... Louisiana’s bigoted governor, PIYUSH “CALL-ME-BOBBY” JINDAL, has ended his presidential campaign due to never climbing higher than 1% in the polls and pretty much wasting everybody’s time and money with his shitbag right-wing policies and hate speech. Since his final term as governor is drawing to an end as well, today Jindal also announced his next project: A THINK TANK FOR MORONS. What a disaster.

And now let’s move on to JEB BUSH, who shared his thoughts on defeating ISIS during an appearance yesterday on “Fox & Friends.” Bush said: “We don’t have a strategy right now. This president is incrementally getting us into a quagmire without having a strategy to defeat ISIS. This is a threat to Western Civilization.”

Holy mother of shit, Jeb, YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS. You’ve surrounded yourself with Dubya’s former national security team and honestly believe it’s President Obama who got us into this “quagmire?” ARE YOU FUCKING BRAIN DEAD? Your brother and Dick Cheney are responsible for this mess with ISIS ... and you’re probably the only person on earth who doesn’t know it. (Even your father knows it.)
Given that President Obama strongly opposes deploying thousands of U.S. ground troops to fight in Syria’s civil war — a conflict in which we’re opposed to both sides — isn’t his current policy actually THE EXACT OPPOSITE of “getting us into a quagmire?” The quagmire experts are the Bush family, who left President Obama with the worst military mess in American history.

Jeb, you pathetic fool, please try to put this into perspective. ISIS terrorists may be a threat to security but they’re hardly a legitimate threat to Western Civilization, which spans one hundred centuries and multiple continents. You need to get a grip. And then sit down and enjoy a nice steaming cup of SHUT THE FUCK UP.

And finally ... it’s time for a quick look at overbaked turd pie DONALD TRUMP, who’s decided to put together a real estate deal for Syria based on his unnatural fear of refugees and children.
Trump has announced that he’d like to “build a safe zone in Syria, build a big, beautiful safe zone, and you have whatever it is, so they can live.” So if the Syrians will just sell Trump a piece of land — whatever’s left after not being blown up by ISIS, by French and Russian airstrikes, or by Trump himself who wants to “bomb the shit out of those suckers” and take their oil — Trump will build you a “yooge and classy” ghetto where you can stay in your own goddamn country and not try to ride a Trojan horse into America.

“We have no idea who these people are, we are the worst when it comes to paperwork,” Trump said Monday on CNBC. “This could be one of the great Trojan horses.”

In a stump speech Trump boasted to the crowd that he predicted a terrorist strike by Osama bin Laden in his book The America We Deserve, which was published in 2000 when Trump was considering his first presidential run. “In my book I predicted terrorism. Because I can feel it, like I feel a good location, okay? I really believe I have an instinct for this kind of thing.”

Donald Trump the real estate genius has just reinvented CONCENTRATION CAMPS.

Just in time for the holidays, here’s your best choice for Black Friday ... a combination transport wheelchair and rollator/walker for the handicapped old shlepper in your life! The Duet Transport Chair & Rollator Combo from Allegro Medical offers EVERYTHING all in one nice little package ... hand brakes, sturdy wheels, a seat when it’s too difficult (or too far) to walk, a convenient storage compartment under the seat for essentials like poker chips and a six-pack of beer, a flip-down footrest, flip-up armrests, lots of fancy wires, and your choice of THREE FASHION COLORS: blue, burgundy and black, which goes with everything!
My only problem with this appliance is the width of the seat. Trust me, you need a mighty tiny ass to fit on a seat that’s barely 13 inches wide. For those of us with more generous butts I recommend this rollator from Invacare with a 26-inch seat so you can sit in comfort and eat a cheeseburger.

Thank you for reading this!

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