Monday, November 2, 2015

At last ... a public service announcement that doesn’t involve E. coli, salmonella or Listeriosis!

Yesterday was my 64th birthday. Therefore:

Happy birthday to me, 
Happy birthday to me, 
Happy birthday dear mee-eee,
Happy birthday to me!

For the most part my birthday involved feeling shitty with a 100° fever, joint pain, watery eyeballs, zero energy and no appetite. I slept nearly all day (and all night) on the chaise in the family room watching my “Columbo” DVDs and waking up at infrequent intervals for nourishment, Jell-O cups and peeing. I did, however, finally order my happy birthday feast around four in the afternoon from King China, consisting of Rice Noodles with Shrimp, Szechwan String Beans, a quart of Hot & Sour Soup, Steamed Dumplings and a container of hot chili sauce. It will take two or three days to eat it all. (I’m a huge fan of leftovers.)

And now for a quick rundown of this week’s activities here at Howdygram headquarters!

Sam’s temporary bridge fell out yesterday morning. This might be a world’s record for the fastest temporary bridge failure in history, as it was cemented on Friday after a molar extraction. (This is what happens when your dentist is a 27-year-old asshole who’s dressed up for Halloween.)

My house call hair stylist (Noell) is coming over tomorrow at 10 to cut my hair. She does this three times a year and charges $60 for the cut and house call, which is a great deal considering she does the best “Judi Dench” haircut I’ve ever had, she’s really nice to handicapped senior citizens and she even sweeps the floor afterwards.
Today I ordered a substantial quantity of low-carb bread from Netrition. This included rye bread, white bread, onion rolls and a bag of “everything” bagels all from the Great Low-Carb Bread Company, makers of the only low-carb bread that’s really low-carb and really tastes like bread (rather than styrofoam).

At last ... a public service announcement that DOESN’T involve E. coli, salmonella or Listeriosis!

Hormel Foods has recalled 153 cases of Skippy creamy reduced-fat peanut butter made at its Little Rock, Arkansas, factory due to METAL SHAVINGS IN THE JARS.
The jars in question were inadvertently shipped to Publix, Target and Wal-Mart distribution centers in Georgia, Virginia, Alabama, North Carolina, South Caroline, Delaware and Arkansas. The recall includes 16.3 ounce jars with a “Best if Used By” date of DEC1416LR1 and a UPC code of 37600-10500.

A Skippy spokesperson has reassured customers that the aforementioned metal shavings are fat-free, sugar-free, low-carb and rustproof. Thank God.

FACT: Every single thing about Jeb Bush is the most pathetic fucking thing I’ve ever seen. I already feel pretend-guilty enough as it is for continuing to report to you each new Most Pathetic Fucking Thing he does, but it’s not our fault because he just keeps doing it! And doing it again. And again. And AGAIN. And I have no choice but to report it here, because journalism.

Remember the Red Alert All Bushes On Deck weekend Jeb and family spent begging Republican donors to please not abandon him? Of course you do, it was only a few days ago! And one of the family’s best arguments for Jeb’s continuing candidacy was MARCO RUBIO CAN’T WIN BECAUSE HE’S TOO MUCH LIKE PRESIDENT OBAMA. (Somebody should remind these idiots that Obama won two national elections in 2008 and 2012.)
In an attempt to impress Republican donors, one name on the long list of nobodies who’ve endorsed Jeb so far is — holy shit! — the treasured endorsement of Texas Land Commissioner George P. Bush, who happens to be Jeb’s son. Noticeably absent from the list? A certain former President George H.W. Bush and a certain other former President George Dubya Bush. Granted, endorsements from former presidents mean practically nothing compared to a Texas Land Commissioner. That’s a well-known kingmaker position in America if ever there was one.

Once upon a time — like, a few months ago — everyone in the Bush family, even drooling idiot George-the-dog-portrait-painter, knew Jeb’s best chance was to distance himself from his family, exclude his last name from his campaign logo and say things like, “George who?” Because of how George sucked and destroyed America and everyone hated him.

But turns out, Americans hate Jeb EVEN MORE without even giving him the chance to destroy America harder, so — strategy change! — Jeb can run comfortably now as a Bush with those famous Bush genes that are are so goddamn gifted at foreign policy, national security and wars.

Also ... that Jeb has been circling the drain in the polls shouldn’t scare off donors, either, because polls can be volatile. So even though Jeb is doing badly and his campaign is on life support, there’s still plenty of time for Jeb to bounce back and be next year’s Mitt Romney. Now THAT’S good news!

Tonight for dinner here in the study I rehydrated a pouch of Mountain House freeze-dried Chicken Fried Rice with Peas and Things. While the first couple of mouthfuls were tasty, the overall flavor profile eventually came across more like a cheap La Choy canned knockoff from the supermarket than genuine Chinese food. And the rice was too wet. For these reasons Mountain House Chicken Fried Rice only earns the Howdygram’s three-chopper rating.
For your possible interest some of the “things” included in this entree are red peppers, carrots, onions, mushrooms, little wads of scrambled egg and a variety of mystery flecks.

The remainder of my evening will include filling my pill organizer for the week ahead, drinking an additional can of diet ginger ale and watching some quality television until Sam gets home from work at 11:30. I’m considering today’s “People’s Court” episodes, a couple of “Columbo” reruns (Sam and I have the entire series on DVD) and The Tender Trap (1955) starring Frank Sinatra and Debbie Reynolds. Oh boy, right?

No comments: