Thursday, November 19, 2015

All of a sudden the Howdygram is intensely popular in India. I have no idea why.

This has been a day of phenomenal accomplishments despite feeling pretty much like TOTAL SHIT since Sam left for work this afternoon. Today’s whine list includes all of the following.
  • I think I have another urinary tract infection (or just the same one I had three weeks ago, back to haunt me for round two) due to almost pishing on the carpet twice and I’m pretty sure I have a fever. 
  • The skin on the back of my thighs is hyper-sensitive again ... and BLEEDING. No matter what I do — sit, lie down, walk, eat Cheetos, breathe — I’m miserable!
  • I’ve got broken skin and a rash under my left boobie that hurts like hell. Sam is helping me out with my TriDerma Intense Fast Healing Cream. He says creaming my boobie is a pleasant, non-exhausting old-age activity, and I concur.
  • My heels hurt.
  • My knees hurt.
  • My hair is too short.
As for the phenomenal accomplishments mentioned up there in the first paragraph, I’ll highlight all of them with a few popular and appropriately-subtitled paragraphs.

I’VE DOWNLOADED A FEW MORE FREE FONTS. Today I went a-Googling for “chalkboard fonts” to add to my collection of scruffy-looking hand-lettered typefaces and came up with the following gems. If you’d like to add any or all of these to your own font collection I’ll include links below the graphic. You’re welcome!

THE HOWDYGRAM IS EXPANDING ITS SENIOR CITIZEN FOOD REVIEWS. Effective immediately I’ve decided to expand beyond Mountain House’s wonderful freeze-dried entrees after yesterday’s discovery that sells a lot of thrilling instant food options for old people like yours truly who can’t stand up to cook a meal or nuke a corn dog. Starting with this issue we’ll review tasty little IDAHOAN INSTANT MASHED POTATO CUPS in three delicious flavors, and future posts will rate Kraft instant Macaroni & Cheese and instant Rice-A-Roni. They’re only $1.09 each and I’m so excited I could have a brain hemorrhage. All you do is add boiling water and EAT!
ALL OF A SUDDEN THE HOWDYGRAM IS INTENSELY POPULAR IN INDIA. During the last 72 hours we’ve had a surprisingly large number of visitors from Bangalore, Punjab, Tamil Nadu, Karnataka, Jaipur, Agra and Mumbai. I have no idea why ... but howdy!

SAM AND I MADE A DONATION TODAY TO MEALS-ON-WHEELS so needy senior citizens without relatives here in the Dallas metro area won’t have to roast a Pop Tart for Thanksgiving.

Idahoan instant mashed potato cups are quite a “find” for senior citizens with mobility difficulties such as yours truly who can’t stand up any more to cook real food or even push buttons on a microwave. So far I’ve tried three flavors — “Four Cheese,” “Fully Loaded Butterly” and “Loaded Baked” — and all of them were FANTASTIC. And better yet, they’re even easier to prepare than the package directions, which tell you to add cold water and microwave for 90 seconds. Bullshit. All I did was add boiling water to the “fill line”and stir. That’s it! Which means I can rehydrate these wonderful little tater-cups at my desk for a decadent little meal when Sam isn’t home ALL BY MYSELF. In case you’re interested, I’ve got bottled water, an electric tea kettle and a measuring cup in the study. I’m ready for anything! The Idahoan instant mashed potato cups pictured below have been awarded the Howdygram’s coveted five-chopper rating.

I think I’ll take a few prescription painkillers and park myself on the chaise in the family room for a while. I always watch “People’s Court” before Sam gets home from work and sometimes a “Columbo” rerun. I love my life!

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