Thursday, August 6, 2015

Luxury showers by fake candlelight!

THIS IS A MOMENTOUS DAY AT HOWDYGRAM HEADQUARTERS. No, my caps key isn’t stuck; there’s just no other way to emphasize that today is a big fucking deal around here and I want to tell you WHY.

I ORDERED A SURPRISE PRESENT FOR SAM FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. After spending a small fortune to remodel our master bathroom I decided Sam deserved the ultimate candlelight shower experience, so I ordered a set of three remote-control LED pillar candles with an 18-inch tempered glass bathroom shelf and a box of AAA batteries. All from Amazon. Holy crap! Luxury showers by fake candlelight!
I’M EXPECTING A BUNCH OF EXCELLENT DELIVERIES TODAY. They include a roll of Scotch clear shipping tape, a ritzy quilted faux leather boutique tissue holder for the study, a vanity stool for the master bathroom that’s exactly like the vanity stool we bought a few weeks ago (we need two) and a classy little glass canister with a bronze lid for the family room to hold my diabetic glucose tablets.
DON’T MISS TONIGHT’S TWO-HOUR COMEDY SPECIAL ON FOX NEWS. The first 2016 Republican clown car debate — beginning at 7:50 p.m. Central Time — features the GOP’s top 10 assholes tearing each other to shreds. If you’re planning a drinking game I’d like to suggest the following words: SODOMY, BENGHAZI, KENYA and OBAMACARE. The leftovers, featuring bottom-rung irritants Bobby Jindal, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry and Carly Fiorina, started their pre-debate roundtable about half an hour ago. Good luck, douchebags.
TEXAS ATTORNEY GENERAL KEN PAXTON IS IMPLODING. In addition to his indictment this week (by Republican federal judges!) on three felony counts of securities fraud, Paxton now faces a contempt of court charge for failing to recognize marriage equality in Texas.
U.S. District Judge Orlando Garcia issued the order in response to a legal action filed by Texas resident John Stone-Hoskins, who asked the court to hold Paxton in contempt after the state would not amend his spouse’s death certificate to reflect that the two were married, according to the Houston Chronicle. Garcia also ordered Kirk Cole, the state’s interim director at the Department of State Health Services, to issue an amended death certificate — IMMEDIATELY, you miserable asshole! — for Stone-Hoskin’s spouse, James Stone-Hoskins.

Paxton and Cole must appear in court next week so that Garcia can determine whether the two officials violated his July ruling prohibiting the the state from restricting same-sex marriage.

The Howdygram recommends throwing Paxton’s homophobic ass in jail. And I HOPE GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT IS NEXT because I hate his lousy smirking guts, too.

Many thanks for stopping by today. If I’ve forgotten anything please drop me a line and I’ll include it next time.

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