Tuesday, August 18, 2015

I spilled scalding hot soup on my chest today at lunch.

In the spirit of not having anything whatsoever to do and it’s probably a little too early — i.e., 8:50 a.m. and Sam is on his way to the optometrist — for my first nap of the day, I thought it might be fun to share the eight new deep fried finalists (see below) in this year’s Texas State Fair Big Tex Choice Awards.

For your possible interest the Texas State Fair opens on September 25 right here in Dallas at Fair Park. Come for the food, the pig races, the giant cows, the jam-packed midway and all the politicians in cowboy hats. TEXAS ROCKS!

CHICKEN FRIED LOBSTER WITH CHAMPAGNE GRAVY. For the first time ever lobster has made its way onto the Texas State Fair menu. Includes an entire lobster tail that’s breaded, deep fried and served with a lemon butter Champagne gravy. Oy! YES!

COWBOY CORN CRUNCH. The quintessential taste of Texas all in one bite, this is a mixture of cattle turds sweet corn, minced jalapeño, cream cheese and a hint of smoky bacon. fried to a tolerable shade of brown and served in a palm leaf cone for no apparent reason whatsoever. Meh.

DEEP FRIED ALLIGATOR’S EGG NEST. Also making its Texas State Fair debut this year, alligator gives fairgoers a true Cajun experience. Alligator meat with Monterey Jack cheese, chopped jalapeños, onions and garlic are rolled in bread crumbs and deep fried. Served on a “nest” of shoestring potatoes and drizzled with a chipotle sauce. This wouldn’t be too bad except for the goddamn alligator.

FERNIE’S HOLY MOLY CARROT CAKE. Smashed and trampled cinnamon bread is filled with carrot cake, raisins and julienned carrots, rolled in cream cheese and then breaded in a mixture of panko, graham crackers, cinnamon and nutmeg. Drizzled with cream cheese frosting, dusted with powdered sugar and served with spurs and extra caramel on the side. Insulin is available at a nominal additional charge.
FRIED BEER-BATTERED BUFFALO. Lean ground buffalo is flavored with a Mesquite smoke and rolled in Pequin chili pepper, crusted in crushed Corn Nuts® and dipped in a batter made from Shiner Bock Beer®. Dusted with bacon bits and served with a chipotle cream sauce. WTF. Corn Nuts?

LONE STAR PORK HANDLE. Yee-haw, meat lovers! This is a hand-cut bone-in pork chop marinated with a rich rub and dipped in batter made from Texas’ own Lone Star Beer®. The seasoned pork chop is smothered in bread crumbs and deep fried, and finished off with a coat of bourbon barbecue glaze. I wonder if there’s a vegetarian version.

PRETZEL-CRUSTED POLLO QUESO. Shredded chicken is combined with cream cheese, Monterey Jack, bacon, cilantro and Sriracha sauce, rolled into a ball, crusted with a crisp pretzel breading and deep fried. Served with a jalapeño ranch dip. No. Just, NO.

SMOKY BACON MARGARITA. An unconventional nauseating pairing of flavors! Freshly-cooked smoky bacon is infused it into a frozen lime margarita and served in a cheesy plastic mug collectible souvenir cup for added flair. Contains alcohol. Must be 21 years of age or possess a fake I.D.

They never give up! Apparently those pathetic Duggars are pitching a new show to the TLC Network about providing Christian counseling to victims of childhood sexual abuse because they think they’ve had such great success with their own family. After finding out their oldest son Josh had molested four of his younger sisters repeatedly when he was 15 years old, Jim Bob and Michelle sent him out of town to help a family friend do summer construction work, never reported him to authorities AND NEVER SOUGHT TREATMENT FOR THEIR DAUGHTERS. Probably because they’re best friends with Jesus!

This mishandling of the abuse and the family’s attempts to hide it from the public pushed the envelope for TLC — which is a mighty repulsive network with or without the Duggars — and the network canceled their show in May.

Now a source close to the Duggars told Star magazine that Jim Bob and Michelle are desperate for dough to support their freakishly outsized cult of home-schooled cretins. Well, duh.

“The family can’t afford to not have the show — it is their main source of income, and with a family of that size, without it they’re in enormous trouble,” said the family friend. “They want a spin-off where Jim Bob and Michelle give advice to abuse victims even though they’re still in denial about their culpability in Josh’s crimes.”

It’s enough to make a person PUKE already.

Earlier this summer, Jim Bob and Michelle did a disastrous interview with Fox News’ Megyn Kelly, which was widely panned by viewers because it was clear that the couple was still enabling their sexual predator son. “After the Megyn Kelly interview, when they basically made excuses for Josh, they were DONE,” said Star’s source. “They’re ruined. It would take a miracle to get them back on TV.”
Good riddance to the whole miserable lot of you, with your artificial holiness and “Christian side-hugs” and modesty outfits and outspoken condemnation of other people’s “sins” and lifestyles. YOU HAVE A LOT OF GODDAMN NERVE. I hope you all end up eating cat food sandwiches on generic white bread.

And now for some news that’s a little closer to home. There are TWO BIG STORIES today at Howdygram headquarters!

First, I rescheduled my Thursday morning doctor appointment because a bunch of THUNDERSTORMS are coming, and it’s hard enough for Sam to push me around in a wheelchair even when the weather is normal. We have an 80% chance of thunderstorms on Thursday. Plus 60% on Wednesday and 50% on Friday.

Second, I spilled scalding hot soup on my chest today at lunch. This was a major “ow” for me, and I spent the next 15 minutes picking lobster ramen, peas and low-carb rice off my boobies.

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

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