Saturday, August 1, 2015

I love karma. (I also love Cheetos.)

I couldn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday for several large and thoroughly acceptable reasons: 1) we just finished remodeling our house and I spent all day staring at it; 2) naps; 3) Sam and I purged every closet in the house and stuffed several thousand bags for Goodwill; and 4) I think that’s enough. Thank you for not being a pest about this.

Our latest Putz of the Week is (once again) the jowly Christofascist from Arkansas, Mike “Uncle Cornpone” Huckabee, who announced on Thursday at the Pizza Ranch in Jefferson, Iowa, that if he’s elected president — fat chance, you miserable asshole — he wouldn’t rule out using federal troops and the FBI to stop abortions. What the fuck?
Huckabee said he would “invoke the 5th and 14th amendments for the protection of every human being” despite the fact that a clump of cells in a woman’s uterus IS NOT A HUMAN BEING UNTIL THE GODDAMN THING IS ACTUALLY BORN. “All American citizens should be protected,” Huckabee added. So cells are considered citizens now?

Looks like “Uncle Cornpone” has confirmed for us once again that if he’s elected president — holy shit, what a thought — he would rule as an absolute dictator, defy the Supreme Court, reinterpret the Constitution, ignore Congress, and be bound by no rules whatsoever through the imposition of martial law. Thanks for clearing that up for us, Mike!
It’s really, really important to keep this clueless, misogynist jackass as far away from the White House as possible. VOTE FOR SOMEBODY ELSE.

I also want to include two Jerks of the Day, because they’re intertwined in my next news item and therefore equally jerky. They are both, of course, from Texas, because Texas has cornered the market on right-wing assholes.

Immediately after the Supreme Court made its marriage equality on June 28, Steve Hotze, a Houston physician and well-known loudmouth GOP jackass, contacted Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton to demand that he fight back and defy the law, claiming “the lousy bastards” are letting “Sodomites queer our country.”
Because his principles are basically at the same level as armadillo shit, Paxton, who is sworn to uphold the United States Constitution, immediately instructed county clerks they could refuse to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples after hearing from “religious activists who warned against letting Sodomites queer our country.”
In addition, the right-wing religious organization Empower Texans asked Paxton to take it one step further and pledge to assist in the legal defense of any Texas businesses, schools or individuals penalized for resisting the ruling on marriage equality. Go ahead, fart on the Constitution! Texas will defend you! And of course the very next day Paxton issued a non-binding opinion instructing state officials to invoke religious liberty laws to avoid helping same-sex couples marry, as long as other government workers could assist them.

Holy shit, what’s wrong with these people?! NO ONE IS ATTACKING YOUR GODDAMN FREEDOM TO BE RELIGIOUS. People getting married does not affect you one way or another so STOP BEING IGNORANT TOOLS AND GET OVER IT ALREADY!

Incidentally, regarding the Lone Star State’s smirking weasel Ken Paxton ... this thrice-married, twice-divorced, champion of Christian morality was indicted Friday by a federal grand jury on several counts of securities fraud. All are first-degree felonies.

I love karma. (I also love Cheetos.)

Thank you for reading this!

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