Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Look out for Barber Foods’ stuffed Diarrhea Surprise chicken breasts.

It’s the middle of the night and I just got out of bed feeling like SHIT SHIT SHIT, as indicated on the Shit-O-Meter graphic posted below. No kidding, guys, EVERY BONE IN MY BODY HURTS, the skin on the back of my thighs feels like third degree burns, I’m congested, my eyes are watering and I can’t figure out how to get comfortable. I just took two Norco tablets; as soon as they kick in I think I’ll try lying down on the chaise in the family room. Until then I guess you’re stuck with me.

I do have one cheerful thought to hang onto today: IT’S JADE HELM WEEK HERE IN TEXAS! This is the week that our state guard and volunteer militia groups will be monitoring a routine summer war game exercise by the U.S. military because more than 50% of Texans actually believe the conspiracy theory that Emperor Barack Hussein Obama of Kenya is planning to set up martial law, imprison Texas patriots in empty Wal-Mart stores and confiscate all the guns. Also something about gays, fetuses, Satan and Chinese Communists crawling across the Mexican border, because WELCOME TO CRAZYLAND.
The Houston Chronicle published a story about this on Friday and spoke with a leader of the Texas branch of a civilian surveillance group calling itself “Counter Jade Helm.” Eric Johnston, 51, told the newspaper that he’s expected to coordinate 20 volunteers throughout the Lone Star state who will monitor incoming troops. “If a team member sees two Humvees full of soldiers driving through town, they’re going to follow them,” Johnston told the newspaper. “And they’re going to radio back their ultimate location.” The group already has 200 volunteers that include former military and law enforcement officers.

I suppose Johnston thinks this uncoordinated effort by 200 assholes with hats will intimidate the United States military. (It won’t.)

Johnston told the newspaper that he’s positive the military is up to no good, an attitude mirrored by the population of Bastrop, Texas, a couple of months ago when they accused U.S. Army commanders of a secret plot against Texans, sparking our moron governor, Greg Abbott, to declare a state of emergency and promising to use the State Guard to protect us from the terrifying government in Washington.

If you want a good laugh, check out Counter Jade Helm’s Facebook page here. Holy crap.

I invented this recipe on the fly last night when Sam asked what I wanted for dinner. (Yes, he makes dinner for me. Deal with it.) I had a craving for damn near anything with an Italian flavor profile and came up with SENIOR CITIZEN PIZZA BURGERS WITH RED SAUCE AND PARMESAN SPRINKLES, a concoction that’s incredibly tasty AND low-carb. A double whammy!
So here’s what you do. Spread a cup of cooked Ciao Carb pasta rice on a plate and nuke for a couple of minutes until it’s steamy hot. On a separate plate season two angus pre-cooked hamburger patties from Costco with a little Lawry’s seasoned salt (or regular salt) and nuke for 3½ minutes. Dump the burgers — plus any liquid that’s on the plate — all over the pasta rice and top with half a cup of Bella Vita low-carb pasta sauce, which tastes more like real homemade pasta sauce than anything on the market. Nuke for another 1½ minutes, sprinkle with Wal-Mart’s tasty store-brand parmesan cheese and BLAMMO ... you’ve got a perfect meal especially with Jell-O for dessert. God bless Jell-O.

RECIPE TIP: About once a week Sam cooks up a double batch of Ciao Carb pasta rice and we store it in the fridge in an air-tight plastic container. Simmer two bags in eight cups of water with a teaspoon of salt for about 25 minutes until all the water is absorbed. This shit is outstanding!

Barber Foods is recalling more than 1.7 million pounds of frozen, stuffed chicken products that may be contaminated with salmonella. The USDA says at least six people in Minnesota and Wisconsin got sick after eating this crap between April and late June. The recall was first announced on July 2 and initially involved about 58,000 pounds of Barber Foods chicken products; the recall was expanded when even more people got the shits than originally expected.

The recall involves frozen, stuffed, raw chicken packaged in six individual pouches per box, in varieties including Chicken Kiev, Chicken Cordon Bleu, Chicken Tenders and Chicken Broccoli Cheese. The products were manufactured between February 17 and May 20 and were sold at supermarkets across the U.S. and Canada.

Anything wonderful on your agenda today? Our lawyer is coming over this morning with a new will for us to sign, I’m still working on my artsy-fartsy labeling project for the kitchen and pantry, I’m expecting a fancy ⅛-inch paper punch today from Amazon, I have to choose paint colors for both bathrooms and take at least one nap. It’s a full life.

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