Monday, May 11, 2015

Curing diabetes with Jesus and cinnamon pills is genuine medical science for hillbillies.

Yo, everybody, and how the hell are you? I’m enjoying a nice, quiet Monday afternoon at Howdygram headquarters with NO THUNDERSTORMS IN THE FORECAST for a change and a fresh new haircut thanks to my mobile stylist Noell, who was here a couple of hours ago to work her magic. I’m looking significantly “Judy Dench-like” right now except my hair isn’t gray. Also, Judy is older and thinner. With a foreign accent.

Today the Howdygram would like to present a pair of Einstein Awards to a couple of potential passengers in the 2016 GOP clown car, although I’m not so sure either of these fuckwits can squeeze into the seats.

MIKE HUCKABEE. The corn pone end-times pastor from Arkansas thinks it’s okay that he used to scam people in infomercials hawking bullshit “Diabetes Solution Kits” — yours for just $19.95! — that encouraged healthy eating, exercise and curing diabetes with Jesus and cinnamon pills, because that’s genuine medical science for hillbillies.

Appearing on “Face the Nation” last week with Bob Schieffer, Huckabee got belligerent, snotty and all kinds of defensive because you’re not his mother and you can’t tell him what to do.
“You know, I don’t have to defend everything that I’ve ever done,” Huckabee shrugged. “I’m not doing those infomercials obviously now as a candidate for president. But if that’s the worst thing that somebody can say to me, that I advocated for people that have diabetes, then I’m going to be a heck of a good president.”

You betcha, Mike, giving up bullshit infomercials is definitely the most important quality of a good president! Also by making all the women stop saying cuss-words and ignoring Supreme Court rulings on things like The Gays. And the New York Times also pointed out that Huckabee has done this before via an email ad to supporters who signed up for political commentaries at Huckabee claimed to know A SECRET MIRACLE CURE FOR CANCER hidden in the Bible. The ad links to a lengthy Internet video, which offers a booklet about the so-called “Matthew 4 Protocol” and — best of all! — it’s ABSOLUTELY FREE with a $72 subscription to Mike’s health newsletter!

So Huckabee thinks he doesn’t have to defend everything he’s ever done? That’s really rich coming from a candidate who, if he heard a rumor that young Hillary Rodham shoved somebody in the sandbox in kindergarten, would be touting it as evidence that she’s unfit to serve. So yes, Mike, you DO have to defend your past. It comes with the territory when you try to shove your ass into the clown car. And by the way ... good luck with that!

CHRIS CHRISTIE. Chris Christie is a regular guy who just happens to enjoy the privileges and calories that come with being governor of New Jersey. Like having a state police helicopter to haul him to his son’s baseball games and then a car to further haul him another 100 yards across the baseball field. Also lots and lots of SNACK FOOD.

Christie’s most notable spending spree occurred during the 2010 and 2011 NFL football seasons at MetLife Stadium, where the New York Giants and Jets play their home games. New Jersey’s governor traditionally enjoys free use of luxury boxes for games and other events at the government-owned venue, but food and beverages cost extra. On 58 occasions Christie used a debit card to pay a total of $82,594 to the company that operates the concessions at MetLife.
We find this particularly appalling after Christie cut food stamp assistance last year to New Jersey’s poorest citizens because — unlike stuffing your repulsive face at an NFL game — feeding poor people qualifies as WASTEFUL SPENDING.

The governor’s office has not released any receipts or details or the names of Christie’s guests in the luxury box at MetLife Stadium to show how it’s even possible to spend that kind of money at a football game. Or how Christie spent 80% of his $360,000 state allowance on food, alcohol and desserts. To be cool about it, however, the New Jersey Republican State Committee has since reimbursed the state for those embarrassing concession charges, not because it’s illegal to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on corn dogs, beer and nachos, but because it might have the appearance of impropriety.

Of course, what Christie and the New Jersey Republicans should be embarrassed about is the state’s pathetic administration of its Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program. You’re second to last in the nation ... mazel tov! But at least the governor’s got it covered with a six-figure allowance to make sure his Cheetos never run out. What a guy! What a future president!

Thank you for reading this and have a pleasant evening.

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