Monday, December 29, 2014

Rick Perry is the Howdygram’s 2014 Putz of the Year.

Welcome, boys and girls, to the Howdygram’s first-ever Putz of the Year Award! Our honoree for 2014 will be no surprise whatsoever if you’re a regular around here, since Governor Rick “Hairdo” Perry of Texas has been our Putz of the Week more often than any other right-wing asswipe on the planet. Behold his official magazine cover!
To help y’all appreciate the scope of Governor Perry’s qualifications for this prestigious award I’m pleased to provide a partial review of the his accomplishments embarrassments during the past year. Trust me ... I’m barely scratching the surface here.

THINKS HOMOSEXUALITY IS A TREATABLE DISEASE. And he says it’s just like alcoholism ... you can either take it or leave it. Perry also made sure the state’s official Republican Party platform included support for horseshit “reparative therapy” that attempts to talk homosexuals out of being gay.

REJECTED A BILL TO IMPOSE STRICTER STORAGE REGULATIONS ON FERTILIZER PLANTS following the explosion that leveled the town of West, Texas, in April 2013, killing 15, injuring 200 and causing more than $100 million in damage. Perry explained, “Through their elected officials [people] clearly send the message that they’re comfortable with the amount of oversight they get.”

INCITED PANIC ABOUT CENTRAL AMERICAN REFUGEES AT THE TEXAS BORDER by announcing on Fox News that the best response to 50,000 women and children fleeing violence in their home countries is a “show of force.” Perry stated, “Their conversations are being monitored with calls back to Central America, and the message is ‘Hey, come on up here, everything is great, they’re taking care of us.’ And that needs to stop.”

STRUCK BACK AT THE AUSTIN GRAND JURY that’s reviewing his felony indictments for abuse of power with the following statement to the media: “This farce of a prosecution will be revealed for what it is, and those responsible will be held to account.” Judge Julie Kocurek issued a warning to the Governor that repeated denunciation of his indictment and the judicial process will be seen as a direct threat to the grand jurors.

PANDERED TO CONSPIRACY THEORISTS by warning a right-wing audience in Washington, D.C. that a “very real possibility exists” that ISIS terrorists from Iraq and Syria are illegally crossing into the United States across the Rio Grande dressed as Mexicans.
SKIPPED TOWN AFTER ANNOUNCING THE EBOLA OUTBREAK at a Dallas hospital in early October. Perry conveniently bailed out for a 17-day European vacation on the state’s dime, hid from the press and public, and ultimately left everybody else in the state — and the federal government — struggling to deal with his mess. As soon as the last two Ebola patients were moved successfully to other states and 75 healthy people in Dallas were released from quarantine, Governor Oops flew home to announce his presidential-sounding TEXAS TASK FORCE ON INFECTIOUS DISEASE PREPAREDNESS AND RESPONSE. Ironically, this came just two weeks after an El Paso hospital made headlines by revealing that 700 newborns had been exposed to tuberculosis over the course of a whole year by an infected nurse who managed to report for work every day without ever being asked to take the required TB tests.

BELIEVES ABORTION IS A MEN’S RIGHTS ISSUE and insists that Texas will “protect the rights of men who want to keep guard over their childbearing partners” and solidify “men’s rights as keepers of women and their role as family protectors.”

SENT ARMED NATIONAL GUARD TROOPS TO THE RIO GRANDE VALLEY at a cost to the state of $12 million a month — until there’s not a dime left for education, health care, transportation or other essential programs — so soldiers can point their guns at terrified refugee children and make Rick Perry proud to be an American patriot.

ANNOUNCED THAT TEXAS DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE INCOME GAP between rich and poor. In an interview with the Washington Post, Perry remarked, “We don’t grapple with that here.” And then he invoked the Bible — because everybody knows Jesus helped to write the Constitution — by adding that income inequality is no big deal because “the poor are always going to be with us.”

CAUSED AN UPRISING AT TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY. Thousands of outraged current and former Texas A&M students signed emergency petitions and had a collective brain hemorrhage when the Perry-appointed board of regents announced their plan to rename the campus’ most prestigious academic building for him. Governor Shitbag, who graduated from A&M in 1972 with a 2.2 GPA and a Farming degree, preemptively declined the honor in a humble statement to the press shortly before the regents were forced to cancel their meeting.

ISN’T CONCERNED THAT AMERICANS THINK HE’S STUPID because that’s NOT what a presidential campaign is all about. In an interview with NBC News Perry said, “Running for the presidency is not an IQ test.” He believes we don’t need a smart president, just a guy with good hair who can sign his name.

This is enough to make my head explode, people, and I’m sure you’ll agree that Rick Perry was the perfect choice for 2014’s Putz of the Year. There wasn’t even a close runner-up.

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