Friday, August 26, 2016

My life as a coot: Easy, speedy meals and fluffy slippers for lousy feet.

I’ve got so much excellent material for this Howdygram post that my brain will probably explode, but I guess the easiest way to get started is with a short list of important current events. Thank you for putting up with me.

DAVID IS COMING TO VISIT. Sam’s younger brother (he lives in Scottsdale, Arizona) will be here September 10, 11 and 12 to horse around with us, sleep in our lovely guest room and eat things. A photo of the aforementioned guest room accommodations appears below. Not pictured: Two windows, a large closet, one triple dresser and a fluffy leather bench for sitting down to tie your shoes. Note to Sam: I think the clock on the nightstand needs a new battery.
BOB IS IN THE HOSPITAL. Bob is married to Sam’s sister Tammy and he’s been in ICU for the last several days with sepsis. A sepsis infection is mighty scary shit when you’re elderly (Bob is 67, I think) and this is the third time he’s been hospitalized with this during the last year and a half. Bob and Tammy live in California. GET WELL BOB!

HEADLINES FROM MY BFF SANDI. Her two daughters have big news in case you give a crap: 1) Danielle and Brandon bought a house in Buffalo Grove; and 2) Melissa and Howie are engaged. Yay, right?

A BIG HOO-HAH FOR WOMEN. Today is WOMEN’S EQUALITY DAY, commemorating ratification of the 19th Amendment to the Constitution that granted women the right to vote 96 years ago today. This is a very, very big deal. VOTE FOR HILLARY IN NOVEMBER or I’ll have to beat the crap out of you with my cane.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY THELMA LOU. Fake Mayberry — more commonly known as Mount Airy, North Carolina — is throwing a huge bash this weekend for Betty Lynn’s 90th birthday. Betty Lynn’s primary (only?) claim to fame was her role as Barney Fife’s girlfriend Thelma Lou on “The Andy Griffith Show” in the 1960s. (FYI, Mount Airy is Andy Griffith’s actual home town.)
WE’RE HAVING A SEVERE THUNDERSTORM. It’s a doozy, guys! Rain is pounding against the windows, the thunder is so loud it’s scaring the living crap out of me, and we’ve got lights flickering all over the house even though I’m only guessing because I haven’t been anywhere else besides the study. Also it’s very, very dark outside. The following map is a screen shot lifted from about 10 minutes ago; right now the storms are directly on top of Howdygram headquarters (denoted by the teeny red star). Auntie Em! Auntie Em!
I’M REALLY, REALLY DIZZY. Too many drugs. Oy.

I WANT SPECIAL K CEREAL AND ALMOND MILK FOR DINNER TONIGHT. Although maybe we can make frozen shrimp instead. We’re addicted to the frozen panko-breaded shrimp from Costco.

I’ve got a couple of tidbits to share with you today. First, I ordered a nice pair of new slippers from because my favorites are no longer available from Footsmart. I actually think the manufacturer may have gone out of business, and I’m despondent because my feet are swollen, sore, shitty and very hard to fit.

Anyhow, here’s a picture of the slippers I finally decided to order. They’re padded, adjustable with Velcro and designed for lousy diabetic feet just like mine. They’re also slightly expensive ($62), but what the fuck, right?
Also, please allow me to share a visual of today’s lunch here at Howdygram headquarters. I nuked containers of Annie Chun’s Sprouted Brown Rice and Hormel Compleats Chili with Beans, consuming them concurrently with a deluxe plastic spoon from Wal-Mart. IT WAS A MEMORABLE FEAST ... ready to eat in two minutes and I didn’t even have to stand up because I’ve got a teeny (i.e., low wattage) microwave on my desk in the study! Chili and brown rice actually evoke fond memories of life in Chicago back in the 1970s and 1980s, when this was my favorite meal at the Heartland Cafe. (However Heartland’s chili was vegetarian and spicy enough to curl your eyebrows.)

Chlorine-infused douchebag Ryan Lochte, the biggest asshole in American swimming, has lost all of his major sponsors following the bullshit “armed robbery incident” in Rio and his pathetic apology attempt afterwards. Four of Lochte’s major sponsors included Speedo USA, Ralph Lauren, Syneron Candela and Airweave mattresses. Lochte's stupidity embarrassed America’s athletes and dominated news coverage of South America's first Olympics. Way to go, Ryan.
But Lochte’s troubles may just be starting. Today Brazilian police charged him with filing a false robbery report and the indictment was sent to the IOC’s ethics commission.

Lochte initially said that he and three pals (fellow swimmers Jack Conger, Gunnar Bentz and Jimmy Feigen) were robbed at gunpoint in a taxi by men with a police badge as they returned to the Olympic Village from a party. However, security video suggested the four actually faced security guards after tearing apart a gas station restroom and urinating in public. Lochte has since acknowledged he was extremely drunk and his behavior led to the confrontation. Adding to his reputation as a world-class douchebag, Lochte, 32, fled Brazil hours later and left Conger, Bentz and Feigen, all nearly half his age, to face the police alone. WHAT A FUCKING JERK.

All four swimmers also will likely get slapped with sanctions from USA Swimming, including fines or suspension. USA Swimming and Olympic officials are very disappointed, very embarrassed, and really, really pissed about this.

One last thing before I sneak away for a late-afternoon nap. Manhattan orangutan Donald Trump is trying to convince everybody that he’ll win by a landslide with minority voters in November despite his strong support from white supremacists and the KKK. Regarding African-Americans, Trump said: “I see I’m going up very, very sharply with African-American voters.” Later he told the Conservative Chronicle that after his first term he will be extremely popular with African American voters.

“I’ll be more popular than fried chicken and watermelon in the black community,” he said.

And during a campaign stop in Michigan, Trump told an all-white audience that black people had nothing to lose by voting for him. “You’re living in poverty, your schools are no good, you have no jobs, 58 percent of your youth is unemployed — what the hell do you have to lose?” said Trump, according to a CNN article. Holy mother of crap.
After launching his presidential campaign in 2015 by referring to Latino immigrants as rapists and drug dealers, Trump has decided to try and mend fences with a demographic he’s been insulting for more than a year. In an appearance on FOX News, Trump said: “We’ve got some great [Latino] people in this country. They shouldn’t be here, but they’re still great people.”

And then Trump gave Latinos a hideous compliment on WEWH radio: “I love the Hispanic people. I have several of them mowing my lawns and cleaning my bathrooms.”

It’s like Archie Bunker is running for president except with a lower I.Q. (Personally, I think Donald Trump is on drugs.)

Thank you for reading this.

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