Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Everything you need to know about The Big Slipper Attack Hoo-Hah of 2016.

Hi-do-ho and happy Wednesday to you and yours! The world’s most adorable husband just got home from his weekly Costco excursion, and while Sam (the aforementioned adorable husband) refills our refrigerator with teeny tacos and assorted other whatnots I thought this might be a fine time to dive into today’s Howdygram post.

HOT NEWS FLASH FROM COSTCO. Sam bought me a big box of frozen yakisoba noodles in individual portions with REAL VEGETABLES including broccoli, snow peas and red things. Each serving comes in its own plastic pouch that you just nuke for three minutes, stir and eat. A few minutes ago I heated up my first serving (I have a microwave on my desk here in the study) and I’m pleased to announce that it’s so certifiably tasty I want to nuke another one immediately.
ANOTHER HOT NEWS FLASH FROM COSTCO. Sam also bought a package of amazing-looking — gigantic! — frozen bacon-wrapped jalapeños stuffed with chicken and cheese. I think he scheduled them for lunch on Saturday. No, we’re not inviting company. Get over it, okay?
For the record, I love it when Sam brings me food surprises like this because I don’t go out to restaurants any more due to not being able to walk and it’s awfully difficult for Sam to push me around in a bariatric wheelchair for senior citizens with shitty knees and big butts.

This is a big fucking deal, everybody, and the Howdygram would like to extend its official MAZEL TOV to Hillary Clinton for being brilliant and terrific. As Al Franken wrote today ...

240 years ago, the United States declared independence. 96 years ago, women won the right to vote. 8 years ago, Hillary Clinton put 18 million cracks in the highest, hardest glass ceiling. Last night she SHATTERED it.
To tell you the truth, I haven’t written much about the Clinton/Sanders battle because I’ve been willing all along to accept and support whoever wins the Democratic nomination. At this point, though, it’s pretty damn clear who’s got all the marbles ... so it’s time for Bernie Sanders to stop moaning, congratulate his opponent and get the hell out of Dodge already. Thank you.

I should begin with an important declaration: I’M RECOVERING. The Big Slipper Attack Hoo-Hah began late this afternoon when I was having a lot of pain and discomfort — hyper-sensitive skin and leaking pressure sores on the back of my thighs, as usual — so I decided to stop working on my Howdygram post and relocate into the family room for a juicy nap. Unfortunately, the minute I stood up I felt a sharp cutting pain across the top of my right foot from heretofore undetected slipper pressure. In layman’s language, the most comfortable slippers on the planet all of a sudden were hurting like hell and it felt like somebody was slicing me with a goddamn RAZOR BLADE. When I sat down on the chaise and kicked off my slippers I examined my right foot and detected an ordinary dent, so I shook my head (I’m used to unexpected sharp pains) and took my nap.
Three hours later I sit up on the chaise, slide into my slippers and — HOLY SHIT — that cutting pain is back again on top of my right foot! By the time I get to the master bathroom for a nice hot shower and step out of my slippers the “dent” is now VISIBLY SLICED BROKEN SKIN. I feel around inside my slipper to find out what the fuck is going on and discover an exposed strip of heavy-duty velcro that somehow got folded-over the wrong way. When your skin is as sensitive as mine due to diabetic neuropathy, damn near anything can cause ridiculous pain, therefore when Sam gets home from work tonight I want him to immerse himself in The Big Slipper Attack Hoo-Hah and figure out the best way to bandage my slicey dent and beat the hell out of that rotten slipper. Sam is the chief problem-solver in our house.

I invested in a few more beautiful collections of high-resolution digital backgrounds from Etsy yesterday, samples of which appear below for your possible interest. I am especially excited about those “tranquil mountains” landscapes because I can’t wait to use them for an excellent new collection of sarcastic and/or snotty greeting cards for The Howdygram Store.

And, of course, I have another small crowd of THRILLING FREE FONTS for you! All of these are truly terrific, although my favorites are “Gallimaufry” and the “Sweet Water Trio” (“Lillypad,” “Sweet Lilly” and “Sweet Water”). Download links will appear after the graphic in case you want any of these for your own collection.

Her face might be familiar to most of you even though I personally had no idea who she was. Actress Theresa Saldana, 61, died yesterday at Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles from an undisclosed illness. Apparently she’s best known for her roles as Lenore LaMotta in Raging Bull (1980) starring Robert De Niro, and as the wife of a police commissioner played by Michael Chiklis in the popular TV series “The Commish” back in the early 1990s. Having never seen either Raging Bull or “The Commish” I am totally unfamiliar with Theresa Saldana’s work, but she looked oddly pleasant, didn’t she?

Thank you for stopping by tonight. Next time bring a few sugar-free cookies, okay?

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