Thursday, April 14, 2016

Ted Cruz says Americans don’t have the right to masturbate. (I’m serious.)

Today is Thursday, April 14 — The Day Before Income Tax Day — and I’m here to wish you good luck, hi-de-ho and godspeed in case you’re one of those sorry shleppers who hasn’t finished your Form 1040 yet for 2015. Just for the record, Sam and I filed at the end of February and had our electronic refund in less than six days. I’m trying to irritate you. Did it work?

My sleep pattern is completely upside-down, which explains why I’m working on a Howdygram post at 4:30 in the morning. How the hell did this happen, you ask? Well ... I woke up from a late-night nap at 2 a.m. and then decided to pish, sit at my desk for a while and eat nine saltines. I also just took enough prescription drugs to choke a small army. No kidding, my night-time meds are insane, annoying, overwhelming and almost impossible to swallow. They include:
  • GABAPENTIN. Two large 300 mg capsules.
  • METOPROLOL. One 50 mg tablet whacked in half so I won’t black out.
  • TRAZODONE. One substantial 50 mg tablet. 
  • COUMADIN. One 5 mg tablet.
  • NORCO. One large 10 mg tablet and one large 5 mg tablet.
And I also get to inject 68 units of insulin just for fun. (I’m not fond of insulin.)

This just in! Twelve years ago while serving as Solicitor General of Texas, Ted Cruz argued in court that Americans have no right to sell sex toys nor do they have the right to masturbate. “There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship” he argued in defense of a statewide ban on dildos in 2004, as apparently they are disgusting and obscene devices that contain demons and flying monkeys (maybe).
However Craig Mazin, Ted Cruz’s roommate at Harvard, has a different story: “Cruz thinks people don’t have a right to ‘stimulate their genitals.’ I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his.”

Trust me, this is way more information than I ever wanted about Ted Cruz. I have to gouge my eyes out now. And since it’s 5:30 a.m. I’d also better head back to the chaise in the family room. Thank you for reading this.

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