Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Patty Duke’s intestine blew up.

I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday for one big fat reason: I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE FUNNY WHEN I FEEL LIKE SHIT. And boy howdy, I definitely felt like shit yesterday. Just about everything hurt. In addition to two hours of intense nausea that started shortly after Sam got home from work last night, I also had pain in my knees, my neck, my right upper arm and shoulder, my left heel, all of the toes on my left foot, leaking pressure sores and raw skin on the back of both thighs ... and I’m constipated. All of these issues thrown together meant I didn’t feel like writing and I definitely couldn’t figure out how to be funny. So I bought myself the following enormous pile of fantastic yet cheap digital backgrounds from so I can create new and better products for The Howdygram Store. Each collection only cost 99¢! Terrific, right?

And in addition to all of the above I also got myself the following WONDERFUL NEW FREE FONTS. My collection is now so frighteningly massive that I’m afraid my Mac might puke. No kidding ... one of these days I’m expecting an error message that says: ADD ONE MORE STUPID FONT AND I’M GOING TO KILL YOU. SINCERELY, THE LATE STEVE JOBS.

This week the Republican legislature in Idaho accomplished two disgusting things: 1) voted to allow anybody over the age of 21, whether they’re sane or not, to own and carry concealed weapons; and 2) decided to continue NOT offering Medicaid expansion to 78,000 needy residents.

And the reason for item number two, according to Governor Butch “Einstein” Otter? There’s no point offering health care to poor people because rich people with insurance die, too.
At that point everybody in the legislature started slapping each other on the back for dealing so successfully with a complex political issue. Except this is the kind of bullshit that most politicians of the Republican persuasion stopped saying out loud years ago when it became clear to everybody that the Affordable Care Act was a success ... not just at providing coverage, but also saving lives. Fuck you, Idaho!

Unfortunately, the Howdygram has two more deceased celebrities for you tonight. First ... James Noble, 94, who played the hilarious Governor Eugene Gatling in the 1980s sitcom “Benson.” Noble started his career on Broadway in 1949, portrayed John Hancock in the stage musical “1776” and Reverend John Witherspoon in the 1972 movie version. Other credits include a bunch of soap operas, “The Love Boat,” “Law & Order,” and assorted movies. He was a cutie and always very funny.

Second ... Patty Duke died yesterday at age 69. The cause of death was sepsis from a ruptured intensine. Ewww.
Duke made her Broadway debut as Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker with Anne Bancroft in 1959; they played the same roles in the movie version in 1962 and both won Oscars. Patty’s other big hoo-hah was playing identical cousins on the popular TV sitcom “Patty Duke Show” in the early 1960s. Apparently she also had a hit record that reached Billboard’s top ten in 1965, “Don’t Just Stand There,” and here’s Patty belting it out on TV’s “Shindig” variety show. (I remember “Shindig.” I do NOT remember this crappy slow-dance song.)

The maker of beloved teeny toiletries for snooty hotels, Gilchrist & Soames, has announced a recall of some of its shampoos and shower gels after they were found to contain microbial contamination, harmful bacteria and SERIOUSLY SCARY CRAP. According to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, two shower gels and two shampoos were found to contain “poisonous or deleterious substances” that can cause life-threatening infections ... especially if you’re a person with a compromised immune system such as yours truly. Holy shit and what the fuck?!
The specific products affected are the Gilchrist & Soames Spa Therapy Conditioning Shampoo, Shower Gel, Pelican Hill Shower Gel and Essential Elements Shampoo. If you pocketed any of these products recently from your favorite ritzy hotel, THROW THEM ALL IN THE GARBAGE IMMEDIATELY.

Thank you. Have yourself a pleasant evening and don’t forget to say hi to the family for me.

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