Monday, February 22, 2016

Only in Texas ... a fistfight, threats and screaming at a gospel radio station.

I really really wanted to write a Howdygram post yesterday but got sidetracked by a large volume of important projects. These included: 1) napping twice; 2) kibbitzing with Sam; 3) spending $45 on takeout from King China in Garland; 4) designing a fuckton of fantastic and adorable new products for The Howdygram Store on; and 5) I think that’s it. I also watched some wonderful teevee, such as “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” and a favorite “Columbo” rerun, the one where Ruth Gordon is a mystery writer who murders her nephew by locking him in a safe overnight while she flies to New York to accept a humanitarian award.

An altercation broke out this afternoon at a debate between a pair of slick local political hacks who are both on the March 1 ballot battling for Dallas County Commissioner: Dwaine Caraway and John Wiley Price. The brouhaha went down at KHVN, a North Texas contemporary gospel radio station. Because Jesus loves idiots and fistfights, right?
“I'm tired of you ... YOU FUCKED UP MY HOUSE!” Caraway shrieked at Price. “I’m gonna get you!” When Price leaped out of his chair, a staffer, George Nash, tried to stop him from killing somebody so Price decided to choke poor Nash instead until police arrived.

“What is wrong with y’all?! THIS IS A GOSPEL RADIO STATION!” a woman was heard in the background. “You get out of my office RIGHT NOW.”

The fracas apparently involved personal issues between Price and Caraway, who hate each other’s sneaky, grifty guts. Frankly, I’m shocked to see Price’s name on the ballot at all due to the FBI arresting him a few months ago for fraud, conspiracy and bribery, and he’s expected to go to trial in the spring. I thought shit like this only happened in Chicago. In the 1970s and 1980s we had aldermen who ran their wards from the Cook County Jail!

Before I launch into a couple of interesting stories on the national political landscape I thought I’d shove the following new FREE FONTS down your throat in case you’re as addicted as I am. This is an exciting bunch of fonts, guys! And you’ll be mighty delighted to know that “Barrel,”“Carol Hand,” Chains,” “Enjoy,” “Grilled,” “Kimble,” “Lola Font,” “Miranda,” “Melissa” and “Patyfont” are all part of the same 41-font download file! I’ll be able to use a lot of these in my greeting card designs for The Howdygram Store.

Download links appear after the graphic. (You’re welcome. Tell your friends.)

Please continue to put up with me on this subject, okay? I’m having so goddamn much fun designing products for The Howdygram Store that I’m scared I might rupture something! My newest creations include jumbo tote bags, five sets of drink coasters, matching decks of playing cards, more new spiral notebooks and mousepads. Later this week I’ll be working on designs for keychains, mugs, pocket journals and more greeting cards.

Okay ... let’s talk POLITICS! I’ll begin tonight with an Einstein award for the number one most retarded solution I ever heard concerning why President Obama should NOT be allowed to nominate a replacement for recently-dead Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia. According to Arizona attorney Kory Langhofer, who is “not a fan of government,” he has a solid loophole for conservatives to continue refusing to fill Scalia’s vacancy: Replacing Scalia isn’t necessary because HE’S ALREADY VOTING FROM THE GRAVE.

Langhofer says everybody on the Court already knows Scalia’s opinions on their remaining cases so Scalia’s opinions should be counted now even though he’s technically no longer breathing. Seriously.
In the mind of a conservative this kind of perverse logic obviously makes sense ... except that America has a long-standing tradition of NOT LETTING DEAD PEOPLE VOTE.

And at the risk of sounding really nitpicky, how exactly are we supposed to know how Scalia voted on a case before he died? Answer: WE CAN’T. So the general rule is, DEAD JUSTICES DON’T VOTE. I’m sorry if it sounds mean, but there you have it. Scalia is dead, and Kory “Einstein” Langhofer should go back to the drawing board and come up with something else. Maybe he should spend some money at The Howdygram Store as a pleasant diversion from being an asshole.

Several national polls indicate that a vast majority of U.S. Americans — both Republicans and Democrats — want the Senate to allow President Obama to replace Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court. Therefore, of course, the GOP is demanding that Majority Leader Mitch McConnell do the exact opposite. They want him to fuck the voters, block President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee and — as a result — give up control of the Senate in November to the Democrats.

The conservative position is built on a delusion that the Republican Party will somehow get their shit together and win the White House in November (I know, I know ... stop laughing) so in the meantime it’s really no big deal whatsoever to give up their Senate majority. In reality, however, it looks like the GOP will end up nominating Donald Trump, losing the Senate AND the White House, and Democrats will get to confirm a justice of the new president’s choosing in early 2017.

The smart move for Republicans would be to compromise with President Obama on a center/left nominee, because when Democrats take control of the Senate and the White House in November nothing will stop them from appointing a truly left-wing justice. But Republicans aren’t smart. They’re petty, jealous, vindictive, mean, stupid, pointless and infantile with shrunken penises and bad breath! Blocking President Obama’s nominee would be an act of political suicide, but even after seven years the GOP’s hatred is still so suffocating that they’re willing to destroy themselves before they’d do anything to help the president. So be it, shitheads!

Today is NATIONAL POPCORN DAY. I just found out about 15 minutes ago, but even though it’s already late evening and Sam just got home from work there’s still plenty of time to enjoy a big greasy bag of Pop Secret with Movie Theater Butter and a good movie. Some options currently on our DVR include A Foreign Affair (1948) starring Jean Arthur and Marlene Dietrich, Grand Hotel (1932) starring John Barrymore and Greta Garbo, Friendly Persuasion (1956) starring Gary Cooper and Dorothy McGuire, Seven Days in May (1964) starring Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas, and The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938) starring Errol Flynn, Basil Rathbone and Olivia de Havilland. My personal choice tonight would be Seven Days in May, but I’ll let Sam make the final decision because he’s king of the house and I love him.
Thank you for reading this. No kidding.

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