Friday, February 19, 2016

Marco Robot will never be president because he’s bald and has unexciting teeth.

I just spent the last three hours designing more cool new shit — i.e., gorgeous spiral notebooks — for The Howdygram Store on, and this is so much fun I might have a nervous breakdown. After I finish this post I’ll start work on a bunch of coordinating products that include zipper cases in two convenient sizes, mousepads and perhaps a few mugs. My new designs are FUCKING AWESOME, even if I say so myself. See?!
And to spark extra creativity I spent a little dough (about $25) with Creative Market ... for two different jumbo packs of exquisite background artwork. The first is simply called the “Rose Gold Collection,” and the other has more than 200 high-resolution files of designer nirvana. The “200+ Gorgeous Backgrounds Collection” includes 12 blue kraft papers, 12 blue watercolor backgrounds, 20 gold foil textures, 12 pink watercolors, 20 amazing black textures (patent leather! suede!), 20 paper textures, 25 underwater backgrounds, 25 vintage/antique papers, 25 wood textures and 50 sky backgrounds. Samples appear below for your possible interest.

You may be pleased to know that I’m having an exceptionally good day today, pain-wise. As a matter of fact, this may be the first time in years that my pain level has actually been a “1” on a scale from 1 to 10, with “10” being get the hell away from me or I’ll bludgeon you over the head with my cane. [Read all 10 pain-level explanations here.] Today could have qualified for a “0” except I have a hangnail.
Incidentally, this is the premier of my brand new redesigned Shit-O-Meter graphic. I hope you and your friends like it as much as I do. Thank you.

Little Marco Robot is goddamn excited about the South Carolina primary tomorrow. Not only did he just snag the endorsement of Governor Nikki Haley, today in a bold prediction of a strong finish he announced that he hopes to land THIRD PLACE this time, setting the bar as high as he dares against heavyweights like Trump and Cruz. Third place? You’re peeing all over yourself for third place?! Way to go, Marco! Unfortunately, there are two things working against you.
First, Marco was a no-show at two important conservative rallies today and left his supporters angry, confused and disappointed, and second — this is the important thing — MARCO ROBOT IS BALD. He’s polling 24 points behind Donald Trump in South Carolina ... and voters clearly like Donald’s retarded orangutan combover better than Marco’s, too. And please do not forget Marco’s Dumbo ears and boring teeth.

Aging former first lady Barbara Bush, 90, hit the campaign trail today with her son, last-place GOP presidential hopeful Jeb, because he’s apparently unable to cross busy streets by himself and forgets to wait for the change in convenience stores. “It’s a joy for me to be with him, with you all, back in South Carolina,” Barbara Bush said. “I’m thrilled to be the mother of one of the greatest men I know.” I wonder who the hell she’s referring to.

At a campaign event earlier today in South Carolina GOP presidential hopeful and slimebag extraordinaire Turd Cruz invited his new best friend Phil Robertson — head of the “Duck Dynasty” clan and an outspoken gay-hating bigot — to share the stage. And in a lame yet terrifying attempt at humor, Cruz decided that if he were elected president he might appoint Robertson as Ambassador to the United Nations. Cruz said: “You know there’s a reason he terrifies the mainstream media. He says the things you’re not supposed to say. He actually remembers who we are as Americans and just speaks it with a joy, not with an anger, not with a hatred, with a joy in who we are.”
Excuse me, Turd, but Phil Robertson is NOT “who we are as Americans.” He’s an evil, ignorant, gun-humping pile of festering hatred ... JUST LIKE YOU. And if he ever tries to walk his sorry ass into the United Nations I hope everybody pelts him with REALLY LARGE ROCKS!

Sam is home from work so it’s time to shlep myself into the family room for food, friendly companionship and some teevee. Frankly, I’m hoping for a Sam-made cheeseburger with pickles, a couple of Jello-O cups and today’s episode of “People’s Court.” I love my life.

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