Wednesday, February 10, 2016

It’s easy to tell the Bundy brothers apart. Ryan is the one whose head was run over by a car.

It’s Wednesday morning, 9 a.m. Sam left about an hour ago for his day-trip adventure to Denison, Texas, and the Choctaw Casino in Oklahoma, but I’m guessing his number one priority will be a big greasy BREAKFAST because the minute you start a vacation your brain immediately rewires itself for grapefruit juice, a cheese omelet, waffles, double syrup and sausage links. Oy, lucky Sam. I haven’t eaten breakfast in a restaurant for at least FOUR YEARS.

And sure enough ... breakfast was Sam’s first stop! About half an hour ago he called from the town square in Farmersville, Texas, where Audie Murphy — the most-decorated war hero EVER in the history of the United States — enlisted at age 18 right there at the local post office. Holy shit! Tell your friends! During World War II Murphy earned every military combat award for valor — including the Medal of Honor — plus additional awards from France and Belgium. Apparently Murphy single-handedly held off an entire company of German soldiers for an hour at the Colmar Pocket in France (in January 1945) with a tank between his teeth and then led a successful counter-attack — while SEVERELY WOUNDED and OUT OF AMMUNITION! — by throwing cans of K-rations. 
(Incidentally, only a portion of that last sentence is actually true. I’ll let you look up Audie Murphy on Wikipedia and figure it out for yourself.)

The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Farmersville, Texas; C) Dwight Eisenhower’s actual birthplace in Denison, Texas (Sam is en route as I write this post); and D) the Choctaw Casino in Durant, Oklahoma. Sam will be headed for the penny slots as soon as he’s done touring Eisenhower’s two-bedroom cabin on the prairie. (I’m figuring it takes about seven minutes unless there’s a gift shop.)

And now ... two more very excellent FREE FONTS from our house to yours! If it seems like I’m slowing down a little with my font addiction, you may be right. I can only handle one addiction at a time, and lately I’ve been focusing a lot of energy on designing new products for The Howdygram Store on Zazzle, which I’ll explain shortly. In the meantime please enjoy these two new free fonts. I’ll include download links after the graphic. (You’re welcome.)

The Howdygram Store will be expanding with new greeting cards, blank-inside note cards, thank you notes, mousepads, and — coming soon! — custom playing cards, sets of hot & cold drink coasters, spiral notebooks, mugs and tee shirts. I also plan to introduce my very own adorable line of greeting cards for Valentine’s Day, Rosh Hashanah, Halloween, Gay Pride Month (June), Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Hanukkah, the War on Christmas and Have A Happy New Year. Please consider The Howdygram Store for all your gift-giving occasions or I’ll have to whack somebody in the shins with my cane. Thank you.

Big news from the 2016 Republican clown car! Carly Fiorina’s campaign announced today that their candidate is through circling the drain and decided to call it quits. Carly Fiorina deserves zero space in the Howdygram because I hate her fucking guts. That said, the hungry Jersey bully boy, Chris Christie, pictured below drowning his sorrow in powdered sugar, also decided to suspend his failure of a presidential campaign today following a totally miserable showing on Tuesday in the New Hampshire primary. Face it ... if Christie can’t score decent numbers on his home turf in New England, he’s through. He landed in sixth place with 7.4% of the vote, and that’s not even enough to give him a spot at the next debate. Even Jeb Bush finished ahead of Christie ... and Jeb’s campaign has been on life support since last fall. Bye, Chris. It’s been swell. Maybe you should ask Carly to join you for a couple of pizzas.

I just saw a report on Raw Story that the FBI — at last! — has surrounded the last four Bundy militia goons still holed-up at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon. The FBI has asked the goons to leave the grounds with their hands up and unarmed, but of course the goons insist on the right to keep their weapons and go home without arrest. The FBI’s response? No fucking way, you imbeciles. COME OUT WITH YOUR GODDAMN HANDS UP.

Apparently the confrontation started when one of the militants rode an ATV around the barricades set up outside the refuge. Somebody inside started live-streaming a seriously stupid song-and-prayer session led over the phone by Nevada State Assemblywoman Michele Fiore while one of the remaining Bundy goons, 27-year-old David Fry, can be heard in the background throughout the broadcast screaming at authorities.

Eight goons are already in FBI custody in Oregon and are being held without bail, including Ammon Bundy, Ryan Bundy and human suppository Jon Ritzcracker, the Einstein who staged a hate rally at a Phoenix mosque several months ago wearing an assault rifle and a “Fuck Islam” tee shirt, after which he cried on YouTube about receiving death threats and begged for $10 million in donations so his family could go into hiding. I guess poor little Jon doesn’t have to worry about death threats any more. He’s in prison!
In case you’re wondering, it’s easy to tell the Bundy brothers apart. Ryan is the one whose head was run over by a car.

Thank you for reading this.

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