Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Camouflaged, heavily-armed morons take over a vacant federal gift shop in Oregon.

I will begin today’s post with a pain report because I’M HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN HERE. The big hoo-hah revolves around the open pressure sores on the back of my thighs and the fact that I can’t do anything without making them worse. I’ve had them for more than a year, and when I saw Dr. M the week before Christmas she said she’d arrange for a visiting nurse to treat these for me at home. Today, at last, the process is finally underway and I’ll be dealing with the nice people at Cardinal Home Healthcare. (Trust me ... nothing makes you feel like a senior citizen faster than qualifying for a visiting nurse.)

In the meantime, here’s my latest Shit-O-Meter reading for your possible interest.

So naturally I’ve got more new fonts for you today, the culmination of a 30-year addiction since I bought my first Mac back in 1985 and discovered a brave new world beyond Times Roman and Helvetica.

Here are today’s offerings for your possible interest; download links will appear after the graphic. A few of these are very snazzy and I know you’ll want them.

I’m having a love affair with Hormel’s Sandwich Makers for handicapped senior citizens who can’t stand up long enough to cook a meal or thaw a frozen corn dog. Hormel’s little shelf-stable entrees are TO DIE FOR with the following features: 1) very tasty; 2) very filling; 3) more meat than sauce; and 4) very cheap. I heat them in the teeny microwave on my desk in the study, and dinner’s ready in 60 seconds. I like to eat these entrees at my desk alongside an Idahoan instant mashed potato cup.

Hormel’s Sloppy Joe variety is maybe the tastiest Sloppy Joe I’ve ever had, even better than the ones I remember from my grammar school hot lunch line. And the Pulled Pork in Barbecue Sauce is goddamn wonderful, too, with lots of lean pork and in a very thick sweet/spicy sauce. As a diabetic I wish the sauce was a little less sweet, but if I inject enough insulin I’ve discovered I can eat damn near anything.

Both of these entrees have earned the Howdygram’s coveted five-chopper rating.

In the headlines today all over America we learn that a bunch of badly-equipped, camouflaged militiamen morons with assault weapons stormed a vacant bird sanctuary in the Oregon mountains to fight the federal government’s tyranny. And then they send out a desperate plea to send them warm socks, bags of snacks and energy drinks via the U.S. postal service. No shit.

So let’s get this straight, okay? These idiots, who are already threatening to stay in the wildlife refuge for years if need be, traveled to a remote location in the dead of winter without warm clothes, Red Bulls and Cheetos? This is too perfect. A few of these jamokes need to ask the Wizard of Oz for a brain.

The leader of the pack, Ammon Bundy, son of Cliven Bundy from the Nevada BLM standoff a couple of years ago, told the media his group was willing to die trying to achieve their objective. Ammon is joined by his brothers, Tweedledum and Tweedledee, and known domestic terrorist Jon Ritzheimer, the human suppository who’s famous for vicious armed protests outside of mosques. Ritzheimer videotaped a tearful “goodbye” video to his wife and kids ahead of the occupation on federal land — which is fucking hilarious — and included a plea for the survival essentials these goons should’ve brought with them while usurping a vacant government-run gift shop in sub-freezing temperatures. It is for this reason that I’m pleased to announce Jon Ritzheimer as our latest Putz of the Week.
Here we have additional photos of Ritzheimer in his car as he taped the goodbye video to his family, sobbing like a little girl about missing Christmas with his family so he could go and play militia in the mountains ... because “Daddy swore an oath” to defend the Constitution, about which he clearly knows ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Side note: This sad excuse for an ex-Marine stands about 5'2" tall, which actually explains a lot.
Hey, if you don’t have anything else to do right now please consider watching all or part of Ritzheimer’s aforementioned video ... with tears, threats, hysteria and massive self-pity thrown in at no extra charge.

Please have a pleasant evening and let me know right away if you want to come over and watch White Christmas (1954) starring Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye with Sam and me. Thank you.

No comments: