I’m completely freaked out by this entire experience. Therefore please send me a pizza.

Monday was quite a day around here. I was feeling achy, unwell, low-grade feverish, slightly nauseated, cranky, not too hungry and generally shitty. On the plus side, though, I got some happy news — at last! — setting up “white glove” delivery of my snazzy new Prowler three-wheel mobility scooter with a cup-holder on Wednesday morning, and my visiting nurse, Karen the Cutie, showed up at 3:30 Monday afternoon to change the dressings on my repulsive and relentless pressure sores. Karen says the cellulitis infection in my legs is FUCKING GRUESOME and she’s trying to reach my doctor to prescribe a high-powered antibiotic administered by flame-thrower. I’m completely freaked out by this entire experience, to tell you the truth, but I can’t go into too much detail here because I start to cry. Therefore please send me a pizza. (Thank you.)

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Amazing, original, and unforgettable music icon David Bowie died on January 10 after an 18-month battle with cancer. He turned 69 two days before his death, the same day he released his 25th album, “Blackstar.” Oy.

Bowie’s career spanned more than 40 years and included glam rock, art rock, soul, hard rock, dance pop, punk and electronica during an eclectic 40-plus-year career that also included films, Broadway and fashion. He is survived by his widow, the model Iman, whom he married in 1992, and two children.

Here’s a video of Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield singing David Bowie’s “Space Oddity” in a haunting tribute from the International Space Station. Please take a few minutes and enjoy the music, okay? Sam and I both love this song.

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A little while ago I discovered that free fonts are the only true alternative to traditional prescription painkillers, because I managed to distract myself for three hours last night downloading all of the following new fonts and didn’t get sidetracked even once by my ongoing disgusting health issues. I should probably write an article for The American Journal of Medicine titled “The Role of Serif and Sans Serif Fonts in 21st Century Pain Relief.” In the meantime please enjoy all of the following exciting typefaces. Download links appear after the graphic.

Grand Nord • Dear Joe Hannes • Dasha Script • Bandung • Chatter • Clementine

Ambicase Fatface • Octavia Script • Guerrilla! • Shakila • Graublau Slab
Aleandra • Brush Serif

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It’s 2:15 Tuesday morning. Sam has been asleep since midnight and I’m here in the study feeling like total shit. My legs ache, my pressure sores burn, my eyes are watering, I think I have another shitty mystery fever¹ and the only thing that would make me feel better right now is prowling for another batch of free fonts ... except BeFonts.com is offline this morning and I’m feeling despondent. Maybe I’ll make Lipton Gourmet Cup-a-Soup for Senior Citizens² instead.

¹ Caused by bacterial cellulitis in both legs and/or a urinary tract infection. I actually have BOTH right now.
² I mix Hearty Chicken Noodle with Cream of Chicken. You have to try this!

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A couple of really funny things. First ... Barney Fife. Nip it!

Second ... John Cleese from “Monty Python’s Flying Circus.”

It doesn’t get much better than this, does it?

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The rest of the week here at Howdygram headquarters will be jam-packed with a variety of thrilling activities, which I’ll summarize for you here so you’ll know what’s what in the event I neglect to write one or two posts.

TUESDAY. I have to catch up on a bunch of DVR recordings, including three episodes of “People’s Court,” two episodes of “Downton Abbey” and Sunday night’s “Keeping Up with the Karsashians.”  
WEDNESDAY. AIT Freight is coming over to assemble my new mobility scooter with white gloves; my visiting nurse, Karen the Cutie, will be here by 9:30 a.m. to change the dressings on my repulsive pressure sores; and our maid shows up at 1 to dust the baseboards, mop floors, change bed linens and scrub bathrooms.  
THURSDAY. Good movies today on TCM, including: Half-Marriage (1930) starring Olive Borden; After Tonight (1933) starring Gilbert Roland and Constance Bennett; and Our Town (1940) starring Martha Scott and William Holden.
FRIDAY. Karen comes back to change my wound dressings while I record The Shop Around the Corner (1940) starring James Stewart and Stagecoach (1939) starring John Wayne.

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Don’t forget to watch President Obama’s final State of the Union address tonight; it’s supposed to be memorable, providing Republicans don’t continue to humiliate themselves by fucking it up somehow. Thank you for reading this.