Thursday, November 5, 2015

My favorite book: “Touch Typing in Two Weeks for Creative Young Children with Irritating Mothers.”

After eight years in the “blogging business” I honestly don’t know what I love most about the Howdygram — typing it, composing it, designing it or creating really cute always-changing shit for the right sidebar. Believe it or not, I’ve been producing weird crap in one form or another for other people to read — i.e., illustrated homemade magazines, comic books, short stories, newsletters and an early draft of a book: “Memoir of an Escaped Dental Patient” — ever since dad gave me a Smith-Corona manual typewriter for my seventh birthday with a typewriter case, two ribbons and a how-to manual titled “Touch Typing in Two Weeks for Creative Young Children with Irritating Mothers.” It was cheaper (and probably more effective) than therapy.

This latest food review for old people — such as yours truly, who can’t stand long enough to cook their own food or rinse a dish — will cover Mountain House’s freeze-dried Rice & Chicken, one of their tastiest and most satisfying entrees so far, a distinction that earns it the Howdygram’s coveted five-chopper rating.
So what do I like best about this pile of chickeny goo? THREE THINGS! First, it rehydrates into a VERY HUGE bag of food. Second, it tastes way better than you’d expect and is nothing whatsoever like Rice-a-Roni. And third, Mountain House uses REAL CHICKEN (not textured vegetable protein) and the texture of the rice is amazing.

Important Tip: The directions tell you to use two cups of water but I recommend using 1¾ cups instead. You’re welcome.

In case you’re new to the Howdygram and don’t understand why a housebound senior citizen with mobility problems (like me) has to eat freeze-dried food, it’s because I’m alone at home at night due my husband’s work schedule and had to find an easy way to get a nice hot meal that doesn’t require standing at the stove, operating a microwave or washing a dish. I tried cookies and teeny pop-top cans of Chef Boyardee mini-ravioli, but that got pretty boring after day two.

And then, several months ago I discovered Mountain House’s freeze-dried entrees — actually created for people with decent knees who go hiking and backpacking — completely by accident on Wal-Mart’s website and decided to try a few different varieties based on customer reviews. THIS STUFF IS TERRIFIC. So I stocked up when Sam went to California back in June, we set up my desk in the study with a big electric tea kettle, a measuring cup, long-handled plastic spoons from Amazon and a roll of paper towels, and I managed to make my own breakfast, lunch and dinner for six straight days!

In case you’re interested, Mountain House entrees come in individual zip-loc pouches. You just pour in boiling water, stir, zip, wait nine minutes and BLAMMO ... instant fabulous food, and you can eat right out of the bag! The lowest prices are from Wal-Mart and Amazon.

I’ve got TWO BIG IMPORTANT NEWS THINGS to share with you tonight, okay? Here we go!

I JUST BOUGHT THANKSGIVING DINNER. Every year I order from Boston Market — their heat & serve “Essential Holiday Meal” for six with a genuine turkey breast — because I’m handicapped and Sam isn’t a chef. The cost of Boston Market’s meal is considerably more expensive than last year’s due to avian (bird) flu killing off a large part of the turkey population, but it’s still worth the price to wear your bathrobe, watch “Columbo” reruns and have a nice Thanksgiving dinner with no pots to wash afterwards. Boston Market’s “Essential Holiday Meal” includes the aforementioned turkey breast, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy and a sack of pasty gentile dinner rolls. (We buy our own cranberry sauce.)

TONIGHT IS THE SECOND HALF OF THE “PROJECT RUNWAY” FINALE. I would include pictures of the four finalists here (Ashley, Edmund, Candice and Kelly) except the show just ended and I don’t want to Google these people and find out by accident who won. Thank you for understanding.

And now ... it’s almost 10:30 p.m. and time to migrate into the family room for some TV and maybe a nap. Be sure to shut the lights when you’re done here, okay? Shalom!

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