Monday, November 9, 2015

Jeb Bush admits that all lives don’t matter. He would gladly kill Baby Hitler in his crib.

I’ll begin this Howdygram post by showing off my BRAND NEW FREE FONTS, all downloaded this morning from a few of my favorite websites. If you want any or all of ’em for your own personal collection I’ll include links below the graphic so you can download them. Incidentally, a few of these fonts include multiple styles (especially Rubik and Milasian Circa), lots of alternate letters and other fancy-schmancy features. Check them out, okay? I LIVE FOR SHIT LIKE THIS. As a retired graphic designer the focus of my golden years involves creating terrific birthday and Hanukkah cards for my friends and relatives, so I still feel compelled to continue expanding my font collection because CREATIVITY. Get it?

Wow, people ... this one’s a real winner. I tried Mountain House’s freeze-dried Italian Style Pepper Steak with Rice and Tomatoes for handicapped senior citizens tonight and it tasted so much like a fresh homemade entree that I had to pinch myself in two three places. Everything about it was AMAZING. The sauce was excellent with big wads of real tomatoes, lots of bell peppers, HUGE SLABS OF GENUINE COW MEAT — just like in the picture! — and the texture of the rice was absolutely perfect. Therefore Mountain House’s freeze-dried Italian Style Pepper Steak with Rice and Tomatoes earns our coveted five-chopper rating.
In case you’re not familiar with Mountain House freeze-dried entrees, they’re marketed to campers and backpackers and sold in single-serving pouches that you rehydrate with boiling water. The bag says it’s two servings but I have no problem eating the whole thing by myself, which is no surprise whatsoever. I discovered Mountain House entrees by accident a few months ago on Wal-Mart’s website and decided to give them a shot because I’m unable to cook for myself any more due to mobility problems, and when Sam’s not home to help me out Mountain House saves my life. I have bottled water, a measuring cup and an electric tea kettle on my desk in the study, and now I always get a nice tasty entree for dinner on nights when Sam is working late! I eat right out of the bag with a big plastic spoon and don’t even have to rinse any dishes afterwards. THIS IS SO FUCKING PERFECT.

Ever wondered whether, if given an opportunity by magic, Jeb Bush would go back in time and kill teeny Adolf Hitler in his crib?

Pathetic loser-ass doofus Jeb — the Bush who’ll never live in the White House because he doesn’t know how to drive in Washington (true story) — has finally admitted that ALL LIVES DON’T MATTER. In an interview with the Huffington Post Jeb stated he would absolutely and gladly kill Baby Hitler, presumably AFTER Baby Hitler was born (because fetus) but before Baby Hitler was eligible for Medicaid (because nobody needs another government moocher).

“Hell yeah, I would!” the former Florida governor told HuffPost. “You gotta step up, man.”
The question first came up last month when The New York Times Magazine polled its readers and found that most respondents said they would kill Hitler as a baby. Bush addressed the issue while riding around New Hampshire on his campaign bus after the question popped up in his public email account.

As far as I know, however, Jeb never attacked Barbara with a hammer.

It’s almost 11 p.m. and I don’t know if Sam will be home from work at midnight or not because I haven’t heard a peep from him since he left here at 3:15 this afternoon. In the meantime I’m drowning my sorrows and pondering my next move with a box of Voortman’s sugar-free Almonettes (best cookies EVER) and a can of Diet Sunkist. I think a nice hot shower would be great just about now and maybe a movie or two in the family room. I’d watch another “Columbo” DVD except I can’t reach the DVD player (it’s on the bottom shelf of our media console) and I forgot to ask Sam to pop in a new disc before he went to work.
Sam and I have the entire “Columbo” collection on DVD, which includes seven seasons of the regular prime-time series (1971 to 1978) and several years (1989 to 1998) of two-hour movies-of-the week. And there were a LOT of them. Unfortunately, I’m watching the movies-of-the-week now for the first time and they’re not nearly as good as the original series. The format is more like “Murder, She Wrote” than the original “Columbo” with overly-theatrical guest stars, corny music and predictable scripts. (Peter Falk is still adorable, though.)

Thank you for reading this!

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