Sunday, November 22, 2015

Instant Rice-A-Roni is an unappealing cup of tasteless, floating carbohydrates.

Shalom, yo, how’s the family and happy Saturday night from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! Sam is asleep in the family room watching Stagecoach (1939) starring John Wayne and I’m at my desk in the study trying to decide on something tasty to rehydrate for dinner because the cold leftover Five Guys hot dog that’s been relaxing on the coffee table since 1:45 this afternoon is NOT going to be enough food even with extra onions. (That was the goddamn weirdest lede I’ve ever written. Seriously.)
I think I’ll find a way to wake Sam so he can heat me up a can of Bruce’s sugar-free yams. Kissing a few select toes usually does it.

One Einstein was killed and another was seriously injured last night in a shooting outside the Twin Peaks restaurant right here in Mesquite, which is located on the I-635 service road just north of U.S. 80 in the same strip mall as Kohl’s, Pier One and Cavender’s Boot City. Investigators said the fight started as a pushing and shoving altercation and escalated when one of the combatants pulled a gun. So instead of a couple of assholes going home with a chipped tooth from a parking lot fight, somebody’s dead, another is in critical condition, and the shooter just ruined his life forever because Texas likes to reward ignorant, angry drunks with guns and official permission to carry them into bars. God help us.

The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Twin Peaks restaurant; C) my doctor’s office at Baylor Family Health Center on the I-30 service road just north of Galloway; and D) if the Twin Peaks brouhaha scares the crap out of you, here are lots of nice alternate restaurant options where nobody’s been killed yet in the parking lot, such as The Black-eyed Pea, Chili’s, Buffalo Wild Wings and Spring Creek Barbecue.

The Howdygram is annoyed to announce that Chipotle is still serving those signature burritos with a side of diarrhea at no extra charge. Three weeks ago the outbreak began with a few dozen cases of E. coli food poisoning in Oregon and Washington, after which the company shuttered 43 stores because they didn’t want their food to kill anybody to death and force the public relations department to work weekends. Now, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control, Chipotle franchises in California, Ohio, New York and Minnesota have joined the fun, too.
In a statement, Steve Ells, chairman and co-CEO of Chipotle, offered his sincerest apologies to poisoned diners who are shitting their guts out, and Chipotle’s stock is circling the drain and fell to an 18-month low on Friday. I guess that’s what happens when you try to murder your customers.

Tonight I’ve got TWO for you! Two! But I’ll begin with chicken-flavor Rice-A-Roni cups, an instant meal with possibilities for handicapped senior citizens like yours truly who have mobility issues and can’t stand up to cook food in the kitchen or even push buttons on a microwave. Unfortunately, instant Rice-A-Roni is a disgusting and altogether tasteless product that rehydrates badly and leaves you with an unappealing cup of tasteless, floating carbohydrates. Some of this could have been my own fault, since the instructions tell you to add water and microwave for 3½ minutes and my only “cooking” device is an electric tea kettle on my desk with a bunch of boiling water. Not nuking my Rice-A-Roni may have ruined the finished product, but the flavor was still atrocious. Instant Rice-A-Roni cups have earned a one-chopper rating.
Next ... Kraft’s Easy Mac Original Macaroni & Cheese cups! Everybody loves mac & cheese, right? Sorry, not so much. Just like the aforementioned Rice-A-Roni incident, I prepared my Kraft Mac & Cheese cup with boiling water instead of nuking it for 3½ minutes due to not having a microwave oven in the study. While the pasta actually softened up nicely and the sauce eventually got thick enough to not be mistaken for orange soup, the entire little meal had zero cheese flavor whatsoever and there wasn’t enough food here to feed a toddler. I am awarding this shit with a two-chopper rating.

Since it’s almost 11 p.m. I think I’d better haul myself into the family room and pester Sam for dinner. I’M STARVING. And I’m also in the mood for a couple of “Columbo” reruns or a William Powell movie. In the meantime I just ordered the following from Schwan’s for delivery tomorrow morning: a box of Corn Dogs and a couple pounds of their tasty Popcorn Shrimp. Food is your friend. Let’s eat things!
Thank you for reading this. If it’s cold where you live, try to stay warm tonight!

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