Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Happy holidays, goddamn it.

Good morning and HAVE A REALLY HAPPY VETERANS DAY to all of you camo-lovers out there in Howdygramland! The only real military veteran I ever knew close-up was my father, who served in World War II. Here he is — looking very adorable at age 23 — in London in 1943 as a lieutenant navigator for the Army Air Corps.

Yum, everybody ... last night for dinner I tried another tasty Mountain House freeze-dried entree for senior citizens with mobility issues! This time it was Chicken à la King, a swell combination of real chicken slabs, noodles, pimiento, bell peppers, mushrooms and a nice sauce that needed practically no additional seasoning whatsoever. As with all Mountain House entrees, Chicken à la King rehydrates — in its own pouch! — in nine minutes with a bunch of boiling water, although I always reduce the water requirement by ¼ cup and add four minutes or five minutes to the waiting time. Trust me on this, okay? The Howdygram has awarded this entree with its four-chopper rating. I substracted one chopper due to the flavors not being quite as amazing as Mountain House’s Noodles & Chicken, which is one of my favorites.
Just for the record, Mountain House entrees do NOT taste like typical freeze-dried “survival food.” This stuff is absolutely delicious and compares to real meals I’d cook in my own kitchen if I could still stand up and dice things. I eat these entrees for dinner most weeknights when Sam is at work and my only other dining option is a sack of Cheetos. Thank you.

It just doesn’t get more gentile than THIS. Here’s your chance to save big on overpriced furniture and assorted stupid doodads at Pottery Barn ... just in time for Christmas! This year some of your choices include a medieval-sized dining room table for $1,599 that probably seats 20 or 30, convenient gravy-colored chairs with nailhead trim (only $599 each), thick fur place mats that double as bath rugs, and an elegant plaid flannel dinner-time blanket for guests with cold feet. Shop today and SAVE A LOT OF MONEY!

It’s 10 a.m. and Sam is still asleep due to getting home from work this morning at 4:30 after a 12-hour shift. He got home yesterday morning at 4:30, too, which explains why he’s so fucking EXHAUSTED. Most nights I try to wait up for him but I don’t always make it. This morning, for instance, I sat in the family room watching “People’s Court” until 3:15 but finally gave up and went to bed. I hate it when Sam works these crazy hours. Everything at Howdygram headquarters is upside-down, both of us are tired and meals are out of whack. If you’d like to come over and help us out please send an email and let me know. We could use volunteers to: 1) fold socks; 2) empty the dishwasher; 3) make me a bowl of ham salad; 4) straighten up the bed; 5) go to Wal-Mart for potato salad, bottled water and two prescriptions; and 6) scrape melted cheese out of our toaster oven. We sincerely thank you in advance.

And finally ... FUCK SPINACH. I just found out that I can’t order creamed spinach with our Thanksgiving dinner from Boston Market due to the vitamin K in dark green leafy vegetables will fuck with the effectiveness of my blood thinner medication and I could have a stroke. Last Thanksgiving I ate the entire container, which serves six, all by myself as an appetizer. Now that I’m taking Coumadin I’ll never be able to do that again. As a matter of fact, for the same reason I also can’t eat any of the spanakopita spinabifida appetizers that Sam brought home from Costco last week.
 Happy holidays, goddamn it.

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