Monday, August 10, 2015

Typing is my whole goddamn life aside from Sam.

Hi. I’m soooo zoned-out right now on prescription painkillers that I’m not sure I remember how to type, and I’ve been typing since I was seven years old when my cousin Bobby taught me how to use the “shift” key to get capital letters on the old manual typewriter in his parents’ basement. I hope you don’t think I’m kidding, because I’m not. TYPING IS MY WHOLE GODDAMN LIFE ASIDE FROM SAM.

But back to those prescription painkillers for a minute. I take one every four hours except once in a while I throw in an extra one if I’m feeling a lot shittier than usual. Yesterday was one of those days, unfortunately, when I couldn’t get comfortable in any position so I cried and whined and drove Sam nuts. We even sniped at each other about how to fold a bath towel.

Today is better as evidenced below. (On Sunday I was an 8.)

Hey, people, have I got a deal for you! The smell-good gang at is offering their fantastic designer knock-off perfume oils at HALF-PRICE — only $5.47 each — for the next three days!

This is a huge event because Fragrance Shop’s knockoffs smell exactly like the original scent and come in convenient long-lasting glass roll-on bottles so you never get oily fingers. Don’t forget to use coupon code FR50 to get 50% off when you check out.
This time around I ordered the following oils: FlowerBomb, Pleasures Intense, Ysatis, Prada, Dolce & Gabbana and Bijan. I ALWAYS SMELL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS and now you know why! FragranceShop has thousands of scents available, so if you want to smell gorgeous this is the place to start. (They sell fancy name-brand perfume, too. The stuff in ritzy bottles that you buy in department stores.)

According to 2016 Republican clown car passenger Mike Huckabee, fetuses deserve protection under the law ... and U.S. troops are “one of the ways” to do it. Over the weekend Huckabee did not deny that he would consider using federal troops and the FBI to stop abortions because he said that fertilized eggs are people and therefore deserve “due process.”

At a campaign stop in Iowa the former Arkansas governor said he would invoke the 5th and 14th Amendments to give fetuses the rights of people. “Is that unborn child a human being? If it is, then the 5th and the 14th Amendments apply because we’re dealing with personhood. It means that you guarantee due process under the 5th Amendment before you deprive someone of their life and liberty. It means under the 14th Amendment there’s equal protection under the law. What does it take for Americans to finally wake up to the fact that we are violating the constitutional rights of human beings?”
NEWS FLASH TO MIKE HUCKABEE: A clump of cells in my uterus has not earned due process of law, it does not have rights, it does not have a Social Security number and IT’S NOT A FUCKING PERSON UNTIL IT’S BORN. It’s time for you and your “small government” Christofascist buddies to find other interests ... maybe starting with your own psychopathic son who tortures animals and the other son who makes pornographic snuff films. Or how about your sick attachment to the Duggar family — stars of TLC’s canceled “19 Jesus-Centered Parasites and Counting” — even pledging your support after their oldest son Josh admitted molesting four of his own sisters. Praise the Lord, he didn’t wind up with therapy or jail time because JESUS!

How dare this piece of shit tell the rest of us how to live our lives. A big fat FUCK OFF to you, Mike Huckabee!
Thank you for reading this.

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