Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Disgraced Confederate lard queen Paula Deen has joined the cast of “Dancing with the Stars” for season 21.

Hello, friends. Although I’m not having a swell day, pain-wise, by any stretch of the imagination, I thought I’d fill some time with a Howdygram post because my faithful readers are starting to foam at the mouth and wonder what the fuck happened to me. The answer? I’m alive. I’m regular. I’m drinking a Diet Sunkist and trying to strategize how to prepare my own dinner before Sam gets home from work because I’m hungry. And I’ve still got my sense of humor.

I have TWO of ’em for you today! First up, upright citizen and former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke loves GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump for his tough stance on undocumented immigrants, which Duke called the “greatest immediate threat to the American people.” Actually, David, YOU’RE the greatest immediate threat ... right after The Donald.
“I think [Trump] realizes that his path to popularity toward power in the Republican party is talking about the immigration issue,” the radio host continued. “And he has really said some incredibly great things recently. So whatever his motivation, I don’t give a damn. I really like the fact that he’s speaking out on this greatest immediate threat to the American people.”
Duke concluded by calling Trump’s campaign a “great opportunity.” Sure. For all the racist mouth-breathers out there. Maybe his official campaign slogan should be: DONALD TRUMP. EMPOWERING ASSHOLES.

Second, “Dancing with the Stars” is pleased to announce that disgraced Confederate lard queen Paula Deen has joined the cast for season 21 along with other desperate D-listers like jockey Victor Espinoza. Holy shit. Gouge my eyes out.

In case anybody gives a crap about this aside from yours truly, here are my latest new FREE FONTS! With this entry I’ve officially decided to start a new thing. Instead of offering to email the files to anybody who wants them, please see the direct links below so you can download these fonts all by yourself. Thank you. And FYI, I love Mitresquare so much I’ve decided to use it for my new “signature” font at the end of every Howdygram post.

On Tuesday Kraft Heinz recalled more than two million pounds of bacon that apparently can spoil prematurely. The U.S. Department of Agriculture said that 2,068,467 pounds of Oscar Mayer turkey bacon is turning green before the “Best When Used By” date.” Kraft Heinz discovered the problem after receiving a bunch of spoilage-related consumer complaints.

This announcement was shocking to me on a number of different levels, including: 1) when did Kraft buy Heinz; 2) when did Kraft Heinz buy Oscar Mayer; and 3) who the hell is eating all that turkey bacon? 
The rotten turkey bacon in question was packaged between May 31 and August 6 of this year and is considered a Class II recall by the USDA, which is defined as “a health hazard situation where there is a remote probability of adverse health consequences from the use of the product.” In other words, PUKING IS POSSIBLE BUT NOT LIKELY.

And on this cheerful note I think I’ll write a couple of emails, take some drugs and ponder my next nap. Thank you for stopping by. Next time bring a couple of sweet rolls, okay?

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