Monday, August 24, 2015

Buy Jackie O. knockoffs and cheap reproductions of the Tzar’s crown jewels for $29.95 a month.

Before I leap into some of the Howdygram’s more popular features — jerks, Internet deals and politics — please put up with me while I do some whining. I’m not having a good day, pain-wise, and as I write this post all of the following are giving me serious grief. I have: 1) a low-grade fever that’s causing more joint and muscle pain than usual; 2) a headache; 3) pain in my left heel from plantar fasciitis; 4) raw skin on the back of both thighs; 5) a dying, screaming nerve on the outside of my right thigh that’s so painful even AIR makes it hurt; 6) a disgusting heat rash all over my stomach resulting from item one; and 7) shitty cuticles. On top of all that I’M REALLY HUNGRY RIGHT NOW and Sam won’t be home from work for at least two more hours. (Sam cooks for me. Stop laughing.) GOD BLESS PRESCRIPTION PAINKILLERS.

The scalp-challenged billionaire blowhard is at it again, people. Yesterday in an interview about his income tax policy on Fox & Friends, Republican presidential candidate asshole Donald Trump clearly demonstrated that he has no understanding of the subject in any way whatsoever, flip-flopping his support within four minutes from a “flat” tax to a “fair” tax to a “graduated” tax.
“You can have fair tax, you can have flat tax, you can take the existing plans that we have and simplify…” Trump said. “We’re going to simplify; that’s the easiest in terms of getting it done. Later on if we go to a flat tax, that’s something else.”

When pressed on specifics by Fox’s Steve Doocy, Trump immediately started dismissing the flat tax, which is the tax system favored by a majority of moron Republicans.

“Well, the magic number is a very complicated number. I’ve seen them from 15% to 20%, nobody knows if it works,” he said. Duh.

“The one problem I have with the flat tax is that rich people are paying the same as people that are making very little money,” he said. “And I think there should be a graduation of some kind. Because as you make a certain amount of money, I think you should have to graduate upward.” Which is exactly what we have NOW, you stupid shithead.

Incidentally, the “graduation” that Trump refers to is more commonly known as a progressive tax rate, which is literally the OPPOSITE of a flat tax. Donald Trump makes my brain hurt.

Today we’re featuring fall specials on the Home Shopping Network’s cheesy lineup of costume jewelry, where middle America can buy Jackie O. knockoffs and cheap reproductions of the Tzar’s crown jewels for $29.95 a month on the “flex-pay” plan! Woo-hoo!
I think I’ll lie down on the chaise in the family room for a while until Sam gets home. I’m just not feeling well enough to sit here right now. Shit, shit, SHIT.

Have a very pleasant evening, okay?

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