Thursday, July 9, 2015

When you get old nobody really expects very much from you, so why not go ahead and sleep through everything.

Today is day three of Sam and Marcy’s Fancy Shower Adventure, where your favorite housebound senior citizen blogger with shitty knees and a hangnail — i.e., yours truly — achieved world-class status on Wednesday as a remodeling project supervisor. This was another classic example of A Retiree’s World of Meaningless Accomplishments.

Yesterday I conked out on the chaise in the family room a few minutes before Sam left for work at 12:15, giving zero fucks that a contractor dude named Brad from Re-Bath of Dallas was pounding on sheetrock in the master bathroom and an inspector from the City of Mesquite was scheduled to drop in and approve the new plumbing. I slept like a cadaver for four and a half hours with total strangers, unfamiliar Texans and potential burglars shlepping through the house — and past my body — hauling miscellaneous equipment and power tools. Brad even answered the front door to let the inspector in at 2:30 because I didn’t hear the bell ring and I didn’t care. I’ll bet I was even SNORING.

Bottom line: When you get old nobody really expects very much from you, so why not go ahead and sleep through everything. Is this wonderful, or what?

Today’s Internet Deal of the Day comes to us from Schwan’s, that ubiquitous purveyor of frozen whatnots delivered to your door every other week by a very nice doofus in a clean shirt. Our doofus is named Gary.
Schwan’s customers who are old and also members of AARP get rewarded with special deals on various peculiar food products. This week’s peculiar food product is a two-pound frozen salami, which is more salami than anybody should eat in their entire lifetime. Schwan’s is also offering nice discounts on fetal-size corn dogs and soft pretzels. If you’d like to give Schwan’s home delivery a try, click here. Thank you.

Hey! I’m pleased to introduce another exciting new Howdygram feature — JERK OF THE DAY — which is similar to our Putz of the Week that honors stupidity on a larger scale. Today I actually have four jerks to recognize because there’s no shortage of jerks in the news.
On the Fourth of July ex-Alaskan governor Sarah Quitterface celebrated American liberty by announcing that she’s quitting her Internet TV channel. In a video announcement on the Sarah Palin Channel she declared that as of August 1 anyone can access previously-paywalled content because Sarah Palin is getting rid of her paywall for freedom and Jesus, but NOT because the channel was an economic disaster with maybe 11 subscribers. For the record, I’ll bet that Fox asked for their studio equipment back after they canceled Palin’s contract a couple of weeks ago and she has no other way to produce this crap on her own. Good riddance, dipshit.

Eternal jackass Donald Trump can’t stop doubling down on his racist anti-Mexican horseshit. After declaring that Mexico shoves all their murderers and rapists across the border into America and then accusing Jeb Bush of being soft on immigration because his wife is an illegal, Trump announced that he’s actually very nice to Mexicans because he gives them jobs building his tacky hotels for people with no taste.

Yesterday Trump told NBC News: “I have a great relationship with the Mexican people. I have many people working for me – look at [my new hotel] in Washington – I have many Mexicans working with me. They love me, I love them. And I’ll tell you something, if I get the nomination, I’ll win the Latino vote. I’ll win it, because I will create jobs.”

It was also revealed yesterday that Trump’s hotel in Washington, D.C. is filled with illegal Mexican labor. The house that rapists built!

Here’s a presidential campaign that may be over before it ever got started. Yesterday Jeb Bush announced that his economic plan to move the country forward is that everybody needs to work longer hours, a statement that probably approaches the toxic “47%” brouhaha that destroyed Mitt Romney in 2012. Even more alarming is the level of stupidity that can be produced when you take an entitled frat boy who isn’t all that bright and push him to the head of the national leadership line without ever having to put in an honest day’s work in his entire life.

Maine’s Governor Paul LePage has never had a good relationship with his state legislature and recently pledged to veto every bill that crosses his desk. Furious, last week the legislature voted unanimously to investigate the governor after he threatened to cut off funding to a school for at-risk youths — commonly known as “racketeering” — and then this shit got really ugly a few days later when LePage attempted to “pocket veto” 19 bills but fucked up on the procedure and ACCIDENTALLY MADE THEM LAW INSTEAD. LePage is facing impeachment proceedings when the legislature returns from their break on July 16. Holy shit.

I hope you enjoyed this Howdygram post as much as I did. Thank you for reading it.

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