Wednesday, July 22, 2015

The smell of latex paint gets me sexually excited.

I meant to write a Howdygram post yesterday but it just didn’t happen due to I got a little too wrapped up with our amazing summer remodeling hoo-hah. Gary-the-Handyman is making excellent progress and he should be done with BOTH BATHROOMS today, which is a mildly depressing thought because the smell of latex paint gets me sexually excited. (I thought you’d want to know.)

It’s time for the Howdygram’s Jerk of the Day award! Bloviating butthole Donald Trump read Lindsey Graham’s (R-SC) CELL PHONE NUMBER in an over-the-top stump speech in South Carolina yesterday, during which he also referred to the senator as a “stiff” and an “idiot.” This was Trump’s revenge after Graham called him a “jackass” for insulting Senator John McCain’s (R-AZ) war record the day before.
Trump refuses to apologize for his remarks about McCain — saying he’s only sorry that everybody doesn’t know that McCain is such a big loser — and CNN confirmed that the cell phone number Trump gave out on stage actually belongs to Senator Graham.

This is like a lunch room shouting match between MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRLS.

If you live in the Dallas metro area you need to PREVENT MOSQUITO BITES because our first case of West Nile virus was reported yesterday in zip code 75217 just south of Howdygram headquarters. This means those goddamn mosquitoes might figure out how to cross a couple of interstates and move into our garage. The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) the location of our first West Nile virus patient in 2015 with a portrait of the offending mosquito. Fuck you very much, Mr. Mosquito!

In Texas last year 379 people contracted the virus and six people died. Sam and I didn’t know any of them, however, and didn’t really pay attention as we were more worried about ebola.

While I certainly don’t pretend to know what your Hanukkah gift list looks like, if you or your loved ones need Belly Bag Urinary Drainage Bags THIS IS GREAT TIME TO SHOP! Allegro Medical has ’em for HALF PRICE (see how deliriously happy these nice blonde ladies are?) with fast service and excellent deals on shipping, maybe even FREE shipping if you spend enough dough. Also available today at special pee-in-your-pants prices are high quality catheters and incontinence supplies plus a bunch of interesting daily living aids such as bibs and amplified telephones.

We’re expecting a jam-packed day today at Howdygram headquarters! Our agenda includes:
  • Gary-the-Handyman will be here at 9 a.m. to continue our painting and remodeling projects.
  • Sam will rehang our shower curtain in the guest bathroom on our shiny new chrome shower curtain rod with shiny new chrome shower curtain rings so he can take a nice shiny new shower before Gary starts painting the baseboards. 
  • Gary-the-Schwan’s-Delivery-Doofus will be here around 11:30 with our biweekly order of tasty frozen whatnots. Today we’re expecting two boxes of Mini Deep Dish Supreme Pizzas with the best frozen pizza crust ever invented and a bag of Tasty Breaded Haddock Sticks because lately I’m craving tartar sauce.
  • I get to go online today and order a bunch of fabulous new bath towels, tub mats, bath rugs and miscellaneous bathroom-related shit. (Try and stop me.)
  • I can’t think of anything else.

And so it’s finally time for an early lunch, a juicy nap and a couple of William Powell movies. Yo from me and Sam and thank you for reading this.

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