Sam called the hospice about four and a half hours ago, and they said they’d send a nurse right away to check me out. I love how these people respond to emergencies. Sam didn’t tell them I stubbed my big toe … HE TOLD THEM I CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE. And four and a half hours later we still haven’t seen a nurse. Jesus!
Just like everything else we do around here, Sam and I put our heads together and figured out how to jump-start my breathing … I take two Hydrocodones with a Xanax and go back to designing mugs for The Howdygram Store. Enough drugs can cure damn near anything. Xanax will stop a panic attack, and I’m guessing my breathing problems might be related to that.
If you had to lie in bed motionless for three years, you’d have panic attacks, too.
This Boom Boom Shrimp hoo-hah is frustrating. The first time I bought them a couple of days ago they came from Whole Foods (via Amazon Fresh) in big two-pound bags … and I ordered three. After Sam and I whizzed through the first bag in less than 24 hours I figured I’d better stock up again and went back to Amazon Fresh. Unfortunately, the two-pound bags were nowhere to be found this time so I had to settle for little 10-ounce boxes. I tried to order eight, but Whole Foods apparently sold out before my order shipped … and now they’re only sending us one.
One 10-ounce box isn’t enough to fill a fucking TOOTH!
Feeling desperate and slightly hysterical — see what an “addictive personality disorder” will do to you? — a little while later I went back to Amazon Fresh, tried another quick product search, and lo and behold … TWO-POUND BAGS OF BOOM BOOM SHRIMP ARE BACK IN STOCK! I tossed three into my virtual shopping cart and requested delivery on Monday morning between 8 and 10 a.m. before I even had a chance to mention anything to Sam … or consider whether or not we have room for more Boom Boom Shrimp in our stuffed freezer. In the morning Sam will have to dump some perfectly good food to make room for all this. Let’s see a show of hands if you’re interested in any of our discards! So far the list includes:
- Half a bag of Wal-Mart’s store brand steak fries.
- A third of a box of Wal-Mart’s store brand batter-dipped fish fillets.
- Some blecchy “banana split” ice cream with pecans. (I can’t chew pecans.)
- Three Banquet Chicken Pot Pies. Marie Callender’s are so much better!
- An open bag of Arby’s seasoned curly fries from 2016.
- An open bag of Wal-Mart’s store brand onion rings.
Royal Asia’s Boom Boom Shrimp, pictured below, have received the Howdygram’s coveted five chopper rating.
Sam eats his Boom Boom Shrimp with regular shrimp cocktail sauce, but I like mine with one of House of Tsang’s spicy Asian sauces. My two options are House of Tsang’s Spicy Szechuan Sauce or General Tso Sauce. Either of these are good enough for the best Chinese restaurant. As a matter of fact, I no longer have a craving for Chinese Food … that’s how good these are!
I think I should probably get on with my day now. It’s 8:30 on a dark and overcast Monday morning, Sam is cleaning out the freezer, and I’m generally feeling like crap. For instance: 1) my entire body aches; 2) my knees have knives in them; 3) my nipples are freezing; 4) every time I pee it feels like I’m pissing lava; 5) I’m hungry; and 6) I can’t think of anything else. I felt lousy all day yesterday and last night, too, with all the same symptoms PLUS not being able to breathe. I finally gave in at 11 p.m. and over-medicated myself with two Hydrocodones and a Xanax. I didn’t feel well afterwards, but I also didn’t feel much! And I stopped worrying about my breakthing issues and slept like a ROCK.
For your possible interest, there are ZERO events on my calendar this week. At some point I’m expecting a routine visit from my hospice R.N. but don’t know the day or time. (And I don’t care, either.)
Sam and I are watching My Darling Clementine (1946) starring Henry Fonda, Linda Darnell, Walter Brennan and Victor Mature. It’s a classic and one of Sam’s all-time favorite westerns.
Me? I followed My Darling Clementine with one of my own personal favorites, The Inspector General (1949) starring Danny Kaye, Elsa Lanchester and Walter Slezak. It’s absolute genius, particularly the songs, which were all written by Sylvia Fine, Danny Kaye’s wife. At one point Kaye sings a five-part operetta all by himself (as five different characters), and later leads a roomful of people singing various parts and choruses of nonsense percussion sounds. This is hilarious stuff … Danny Kaye and Sylvia Fine at their very best.
Because this section is called “A Coronavirus Survival Guide,” I have a hot tip for y’all with some inexpensive entertainment recommendations. In case you’re feeling slightly claustrophic during the COVID-19 quarantine hoo-hah, why not consider a VIRTUAL ROAD TRIP to anywhere in the world via Google Earth!? I’ve been doing this for a long, long time — don’t forget, I’ve been housebound and bedridden for years already — and I love “driving around” neighborhoods, famous places, points of interest and tourist spots. My favorite destination is usually Great Britain (especially Scotland) and I go back every week or two and pick another castle, county, village or neighborhood. I chose the following screen capture from Glasgow to share with you tonight!
A virtual road trip is fun, educational, thoroughly pleasant, and you don’t need to gas up the car every few hours or scan the motel reviews on Yelp. Therefore, shoot me an email (or add a comment to this post) when you have a chance and let me know which exotic destinations you can’t wait to visit. This could even be a “family” activity you share with your kids during lockdown! Thank you for your support.
TUESDAY, 7:23 P.M., 5/5/2020. Time is clicking away tonight. I wish I could tell you I’m feeling better, but nope … I’m not. I’m having severe tremors in my arms and hands so it’s difficult to type, my legs are absolutely killing me right now and I’ve got the chills again. I’ll take an extra Gabapentin for the tremors and pop a couple of Hydrcodones to get some pain relief started. Let’s hope I’ll have a better Shit-O-Meter Misery Report for you an hour from now. Stay tuned.
Click here for a complete explanation of our Shit-O-Meter numbers.
Finally … more FREE FONTS! This isn’t the world’s longest list and it certainly isn’t the juiciest, but it’s the only list I’ve got for you right now. (Deal with it, okay?) We have a few scripts (“Cinderella,” “Quickly”), display fonts (“Mister Pumpkins”), hand-drawn fonts (“Brexistone”) and a layered font (“Brexistone”). None of these are especially thrilling … but they’re not duds, either. Stop whining, okay? I’m not in a very good mood right now and don’t need shit from anybody. I’ll include download links after the graphic.
I’m finally finished. Thank you for reading this and I hope you had a swell Cinco de Mayo, which is Mexico’s annual celebration of five mayonnaise jars. Shalom, y’all.
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