Saturday, June 10, 2017

I haven’t worn a brassiere since 2012, but this is basically a secret so please don’t tell anybody.

It’s been a dismal, dark and thunderstormy day ever since we woke up this morning. As a matter of fact, by 6 a.m. Sam was already seated comfortably in the garage with a full pot of coffee and the overhead door open so he could watch a line of storms roll in from the northwest. Now that Sam’s retired it’s particularly rewarding when the neighbors start leaving for work because we don’t have to. We don’t even have to get dressed! As for me, I haven’t worn a brassiere since 2012, but this is basically a secret so please don’t tell anybody.

Hey, hamburger fans … Creation Gardens, Inc., a Christian (WTF?) meat packing company, has issued an official recall of more than 22,000 pounds of holy ground beef products due to THEY’RE POISONED, YOU IDIOT! Earlier this week Creation Gardens informed the U.S. Department of Agriculture about positive test results for E. coli contamination in its raw ground beef and beef primal cut products (such as sirloin and rib-eye). The affected products were packed on May 31, June 1 and June 2, 2017.
If you live in Indiana, Kentucky, Ohio or Tennessee and have any Christian ground beef or primal cut products stamped “EST. 7914,” the USDA strongly suggests that you hurl it into the nearest dumpster, take it to church on Sunday or return it to your original place of purchase. Maybe you should buy some hot dogs for dinner instead. Thank you.

In other news ... I’m having some miserable pain issues this morning. MISERABLE! I woke up at 4:30, parked myself in the study and writhed around for almost two hours until Sam joined me at 6:15, during which time my regular pain meds did absolutely NOTHING and (worse yet) I had a serious craving for White Castle cheeseburgers. Specifically, the aforementioned pain issues include: 1) burning skin on the back of both thighs; 2) arthritic knees; 3) three screaming, electrically-charged toes on my left foot; and 4) equally severe heel pain. My current Shit-O-Meter report appears below for your possible interest. (Please click the “Learn More” button for a full explanation.)

Please allow me to introduce Sam’s new “retirement” enterprise … he’s a DOG WALKER! This is a career that actually combines two of his biggest passions — going for walks and horsing around with other peoples’ dogs — and he’ll even earn money doing it. I designed and ordered his business cards (see enlargement below) earlier in the week, and now we’re researching prices by the hour, by the day, how much to charge for basic grooming, and so on. After we get the price list put together Sam will post a business ad on bulletin boards at local pet stores and vets’ offices, and he’ll keep a stack of business cards in his pocket to hand out whenever he runs into an owner walking his dog or spots a herd of owners hanging out at a dog park. If you have any additional suggestions for Sam please send us an email, okay?

The Howdygram’s Obituary Desk is grieved to announce the death of Batman. Adam West, 88, who starred as the Caped Crusader for three seasons on television in the 1960s, died yesterday after a battle with leukemia.

Fortunately for West, even though “Batman” was canceled in 1968 the role would hang on for the remaining five decades of his life at Comic-Con conventions, comic book festivals and with TV voiceover work, such as a recurring role in “Family Guy.” This wasn’t exactly a lucrative career, but apparently nobody starved because West is survived by his wife, four children, piles of grandchildren and several great-grandchildren. Adiós, Batman!

Breaking news … Sam called the cops today! And I’m sure you want to know WHY, right?

Around 4 p.m. Sam noticed a late model silver Nissan Altima partially blocking our driveway and decided to shoot a couple of photos for evidence and knock on a few doors to find out which Einstein was responsible for this atrocity ... especially since there were no other visible vehicles parked anywhere else on the street. The culprit was a guest at the house directly to our south. A young jerk, twentysomething, with a big mouth. Here’s their conversation.

Sam:         “Does anyone here have a silver Nissan Altima?”
Einstein:  “Yeah.”
Sam:         “You’re parked in front of my driveway!”
Einstein:  “You still have room to pull out.”
Sam:         “MOVE YOUR CAR.”
Einstein:  “I’ll move it. I’ll move it.” (And he does.)
Sam:         “What would you do if I parked like this at YOUR house?”
Einstein:  “I’d slash your tires.”

Perceiving the aforementioned tire-slashing as a direct threat, Sam walked back inside and called the Mesquite police. He didn’t dial 911, however, so we’re still waiting for an officer to show up and write an incident report. If he decides to stay for dinner we’ve got some cold cuts and pickles. Please stay tuned for additional developments!

And now I think I’ll join Sam in the family room for a nap and a couple of movies. I already ate dinner here at my desk in the study … a pouch of Mountain House Freeze-Dried Spaghetti with Meat Sauce for handicapped senior citizens who can’t stand up long enough to cook real food plus an Eskimo Pie with Smucker’s sugar-free caramel topping and a wad of Cool Whip. Life is fine. (And dessert is almost better than prescription pain meds.)

Thank you for reading this.

No comments: