Friday, March 24, 2017

I can’t be funny when I feel like shit.

I’ve got a yooge revelation for you, boys and girls: I CAN’T BE FUNNY WHEN I FEEL LIKE SHIT. For the last seven days the skin on the back of my thighs felt like it was burned with a blow torch, and whenever this happens — more often than I care to admit — absolutely NOTHING makes me comfortable. Not even White Castle cheeseburgers or a few extra doses of Norco. The cause of all this is DIABETIC PERIPHERAL NEUROPATHY, the same crap that: 1) makes my toes scream; 2) shoots intense pain through my left heel and “electric shocks” down the outside of my thighs; and 3) turns my hands and fingers numb. I’m presently experiencing all of the above.

So that’s why I haven’t written anything for the Howdygram during the past week ... I was in too much pain to sit at my desk for more than an hour at a time. I’m feeling somewhat better today, thank God, so I’ve decided to type really fast and cram as much as possible into this post before everything goes kablooey again. For energy I’m eating saltines and drinking Diet Sunkist on ice. THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.

It’s not really breakfast time, actually. It’s 5:15 in the afternoon and Sam is at Love Field here in Dallas, getting ready to board a Southwest Airlines flight to Burbank, California. He’s heading west to hang out with his relatives and friends for a few days. I MISS HIM ALREADY.

I assembled a lovely and versatile herd of FREE FONTS for you today, a list that includes two large sans serif collections — “Mailuna Pro” and the “Air SuperFamily” — nice scripts, two excellent dingbats fonts — “Coffee Bean” and “Church in the Wildwood” — and various fun hand-drawn display fonts. At last ... create your own ransom notes with “Exposé”! Download links will appear below the graphic so you can add these to your personal collection. Incidentally, the “Air SuperFamily” collection is selling for $999 on, so I’m sure you’ll agree that getting it for free is quite a hoo-hah!

I think I’m having a creative meltdown about those “Church in the Wildwood” fonts. I can’t wait to use them to create ritzy monograms for products in The Howdygram Store, such as iPhone cases, wristlets, makeup bags, mouse pads, ceramic mugs, Mason jars, coasters and playing cards! Woo-hoo!

I’ve also been busy designing new greeting cards. Three of my latest appear below.

This was a big week for giveaways from I know you probably don’t give a crap about this, but I snagged hundreds of terrific high-resolution digital background images and textures that typically sell for major bucks on graphic design websites like Creative Market. Here’s a small sample for your possible interest.
I also downloaded the following images this week. These might be another round of freebies from, but I’m not 100% sure of that. My short-term memory is shot to hell right now. I can’t remember ANYTHING.

Former Congressman Steve Stockman (R-TX), the asshole that invited racist rocker Ted Nugent to President Obama’s 2013 State of the Union address, is accused of stealing money meant for charity, which he used for personal expenses and contributions to his campaign. Stockman served two non-consecutive terms in the U.S. House of Representatives.

The Houston Chronicle reports that Stockman decided to blame his arrest on a “deep state” shadow government, which is a conspiracy theory swirling around among far-right lunatics who believe that powerful, entrenched federal and military interests are working to undermine President Donald Trump. Paranoid much?!
In case you need a few details here, shortly after starting his second House term in January 2013, Stockman solicited $350,000 in charitable donations from an unidentified wealthy businessman on behalf of a Nevada-based nonprofit organization that helps people recover from traumatic events. The funds were supposed to pay for the renovation of “Freedom House” in Washington, D.C., but the check was deposited instead in Stockman’s personal account at a bank in Webster, Texas, and financial records show there were no expenditures toward the purchase, renovation or operation of Freedom House, which never opened. Instead, greedy Rabbitface McJackass secretly diverted the money to pay for a pile of personal needs and funneled the rest to his campaign ... pretending the money represented legitimate donations from other people.

Fuck that “deep state” horseshit. THESE ARE ALL FELONIES!

Chuck Barris, the reigning “king of game shows” who also claimed to be a CIA covert assassin, died this week at age 87. Barris’ game show empire included “The Dating Game,” ‘’The Newlywed Game” and a really cheesy amateur talent competition called “The Gong Show.”

In 1966 Barris made game show history right off the bat with “The Dating Game.” Celebrities and future celebrities who appeared as contestants included Michael Jackson, Steve Martin, Arnold Schwarzenegger and a pre-“Charlie’s Angels” Farrah Fawcett, who was introduced as an accomplished artist and sculptress.
In 1984 Barris’s bizarre autobiography, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, claimed that he worked for the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) in the 1960s and ’70s as a paid covert assassin. A 2002 feature film version of the book, directed by George Clooney and starring Sam Rockwell, depicts Barris killing 33 people. I’ve actually seen the movie, and this is the worst bullshit you can imagine. And naturally, the CIA denies that Barris ever worked for them in any capacity whatsoever. (The dude was probably on drugs.)

Not to be confused with our other dead celebrity, Chuck Barris, music legend Chuck Berry, who died last week at 90, was one of the architects of rock ’n roll as a singer, songwriter and guitarist and never claimed to work for the CIA. Berry wrote and sang at least two dozen rock ’n roll classics, including “Maybellene,” “Roll Over Beethoven” and “Back in the U.S.A.,” many of them recorded at Chicago’s Chess Studios in the 1950s and ’60s and later covered by countless artists, including the Beatles, Beach Boys and Rolling Stones. Berry is survived by his wife, Themetta, four children and a bunch of grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

And now, at last, I think it’s time to shut down for a few hours and get some sleep. My left foot is having a nervous breakdown and I hope I can move fast enough to get to the bathroom before it becomes a PISH EMERGENCY.

Thank you for reading this.

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