Monday, November 28, 2016

The 2016 Table Lamp Hoo-Hah ... an incident of historic proportions.

Good morning, boys and girls! It’s 3:30 a.m. here in Howdygramland and we’re still waiting for the rain and thunderstorms that originally were supposed to start last night by 7 p.m. This is so typical of, isn’t it? LIARS! BALONEY ARTISTS! FRAUDS! And I’m not too fond of their STUPID BULLSHIT “NAMED” WINTER STORMS, either.

Show of hands. Does everybody like my redesigned Howdygram banner?! I moved the logo to the left, added a corny cowboy cartoon and framed the “tagline” with black horizontal rules above and below. I think this looks a lot snazzier, don’t you? Comments and feedback are always welcome. Click here. And thank you for your support.

Today’s herd of FREE FONTS is a truly thrilling display of typographic genius. We’ve got three very wonderful scripts (“Sorcery,” “Chalisto” and “Martha”), a hand-drawn sans serif (“Charlatan”), and five intensely useful dingbat fonts packed with high-quality illustrations ... frames, corners, detailed crowns and comic strip talk bubbles! As an added bonus “Sorcery” and “Chalisto” also include lots of swashy extras and catchwords. I’ll provide download links after the graphic so you can grab some of these for yourself. (You’re welcome.)

We have another dead celebrity today! It’s Ron Glass — formerly of TV’s “Barney Miller” and a science fiction series called “Firefly” that I never heard of — who died Saturday of respiratory failure at age 71. In “Barney Miller,” which aired on ABC from 1975 to 1982, Glass played Detective Ron Harris, the only normal cop in a precinct filled with screwballs. I LOVED THIS SHOW and my mother had a crush on Hal Linden (he played the title character).

Dear readers, we have an incident going on here. This time it’s about TABLE LAMPS, and I should probably tell the story in chronological order. Therefore please pour yourself a lemonade and get comfortable, okay?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20. I order a pair of “Mariana” table lamps online from Ashley Furniture and they’re delivered the following day because Ashley’s warehouse is right here in Mesquite about 15 minutes from Howdygram headquarters. Sam opens one box (we only needed one lamp but Ashley sells them all in pairs) and sets up the lamp on our new end table in the family room. It’s pretty but not good for this room. Too small. Too feminine. More like a lamp you’d see in a boudoir. On Thanksgiving (November 24) I decide we have to return them.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26. I call Ashley Furniture’s customer service number, which is staffed by dreary and clearly unhappy Einsteins, to find out how to return the lamps. We do NOT want to pay for return shipping because we live five minutes from an Ashley retail store and only 15 minutes from the warehouse that shipped our order. I’m told we can return the lamps in person at the warehouse, and their address is on the packing list. Sam retrieves the packing list from the garage. We’re golden. I go to the Lamps Plus website and order the “Cardiff” lamp as a replacement.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 27. About 12 hours later, shortly after lunch on Sunday, I decide the “Cardiff” lamp is probably the wrong overall look for our family room. I really should’ve ordered something more ornate and traditional than this, plus now I’m having second thoughts about what’s the actual color of the iron lamp base — is it black or dark bronze? I need bronze! — but nobody at Lamps Plus’ live chat can help me with this so I decide to cancel the order. I’m told they’ll have to escalate my request due to BULLSHIT REASONS about it being too late to cancel. Too late?! My order status says the lamp isn’t supposed to ship until November 29. JUST STOP THE GODDAMN SHIPMENT! I’m supposed to get an email confirmation if they figure it out. (Naturally, I’m still waiting.) In the meantime, adorable Sam, who has the patience of a saint, tells me to go ahead and order the lamp I really want, so I go back to Ashley Furniture’s website and order a pair of “Redella” lamps. They’re big, they’re bronze and they’re BEAUTIFUL.
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28. Sam drives over to Ashley Furniture’s warehouse in south Mesquite to return the “Mariana” lamps with the packing list in hand. He’s turned away at the front desk due to NOT HAVING AN APPOINTMENT. This is definitely a “what the fuck” moment. Sam finds out that customer service is supposed to set up an appointment first before anybody shows up at the warehouse ... so he comes home and tells me to take care of it. I call customer service and hold for 29 minutes before another miserable Einstein takes my call. She says she’ll contact the warehouse, find out what’s up with this “appointment” crap and email me the information. Four hours has elapsed and I haven’t heard back from anybody. The next call I make won’t be very pretty. On behalf of Sam and myself, I’M FUCKING PISSED AND I WANT TO STRANGLE PEOPLE! Please stay tuned for additional updates as more information becomes available.

Incidentally, even though the image above shows three lamps that are approximately the same size, they’re really NOT. The “Redella” lamp is five inches taller (and the shade is six inches wider) than the “Mariana” lamps we’re trying to return. It’s a much bigger, more substantial lamp. And it will look FANTASTIC in our open family room floor plan with the 10-foot ceilings. Trust me. It only took three tries to get it right!

And now it’s time for an afternoon nap because I think I deserve one. Thank you for reading this.

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