Saturday, October 15, 2016

News bulletin: Dish Network does home theater installations on Sundays!

Good morning, boys and girls! It’s 5:40 a.m., Sam just left for work and I’m polishing off a tasty little tub of Hormel Compleats Cheese Manicotti with Actual Meat Sauce and Spicy Black Flecks That Are Probably Cracked Peppercorns.
Stop laughing. I was hungry, okay? And I didn’t want to lie down on the chaise (I need sleep desperately) without eating first because there’s a good chance I’d wake up spazzy and freaked out from low blood sugar. (Low blood sugar is a horrible feeling. Your brain tries to shut down.)

So that’s why I did Hormel’s manicotti. It was convenient. It was fast. And if I inject enough insulin I can eat damn near ANYTHING.

So here’s what’s going on in my life right now ... presented in nice, neat, subtitled paragraphs to help you enjoy the ultimate Howdygram experience! (Yeah, I tend to write like an idiot sometimes.)

MARK YOUR CALENDAR. Yesterday I scheduled home delivery for our excellent new 60" Samsung TV from Costco and the huge media console and matching coffee table we ordered online from Ashley Furniture. Everything’s coming one week from today ... Saturday, October 22. The TV will be here between 12 and 4 p.m. but I have no idea exactly what time the furniture’s coming because Ashley can’t pin it down yet. They’ll know the day before and call me with a time window.


It’s Saturday morning now, and as I write this post Sam is on his way home from Costco with a Samsung DVD/BluRay player and a snazzy Samsung sound bar with a fat sub-woofer thingie for our new TV. To make the whole hoo-hah even more glorious, Dish Network will take care of the entire installation — including custom cord management — NEXT SUNDAY! No kidding, people, DISH NETWORK DOES HOME THEATER INSTALLATIONS ON SUNDAYS! And they don’t charge extra for it! I’m absolutely flabbergasted. Holy crap, right?!

MORONS: THEY WALK AMONG US. I would like to give y’all the salient features of Howdygram headquarters’ SHITTY AUTUMN PLACEMAT FIASCO. Long story short: I wanted a pair of snazzy new placemats to use on the new coffee table we ordered from Ashley Furniture as Sam and I always eat in the family room watching TV. First I decided to design my own and order them from Zazzle. These turned out to be nothing more than paper with a laminate finish ... easy to clean, severely overpriced and extremely thin. Unfortunately the Einstein that packaged them for shipment crammed the mats into a very lightly-padded 14" x 18" envelope with zero cardboard for support so all four edges of both placemats were crushed and dented en route. They looked like total shit, so I complained to Zazzle and got a refund.

But wait ... there’s more! Next I ordered a set of four heat-proof faux leather placemats from Amazon. Gorgeous, great reviews and really inexpensive (i.e., $7.99). Once again it was an Einstein in charge of shipping, because he FOLDED THE PLACEMATS IN THIRDS like a business letter to fit them into a long narrow envelope ...and they arrived with PERMANENT CREASES. I did a “live chat” thing with Amazon customer service and got a refund.

I refuse to surrender. Yesterday I ordered a set of four woven wicker placemats from Wal-Mart (pictured below).
MY RECOVERY SURE DIDN’T LAST VERY LONG. TWO STINKING DAYS! A couple of hours ago when I started to feel slightly pukey with a dull headache I decided maybe I’ll take a nice shower and lie down on the chaise afterwards to watch my new favorite old movie, Yours, Mine and Ours (1968) starring Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda. I was still wobbly getting out of the shower, shlepped myself to the chaise, and announced to Sam that I think I have a fever again because I feel like crap, I can’t catch my breath, I’ve got the chills, my blood sugar is too low and — for a refreshing change of pace — my bladder is ready to explode even though I pished less than 30 minutes ago.
I don’t know what the hell’s going on with me. I was miserably sick for five days earlier this week (see previous paragraph for an abbreviated list of symptoms or read my last post here) and I’m really, really fed up with this crap already. The only thing that would make me happy tonight is something beefy for dinner with a tasty mushroom gravy. I’m thinking about a couple of Costco pre-grilled Angus hamburger patties with McCormick instant brown gravy and a jar of Green Giant mushrooms. Whole ones, not slices. If I look pathetic enough I’ll bet I can get Sam to do this. (He likes me.)

Also, please stay tuned for health updates whenever I can sit at my desk and type.

I’M A LOT LESS LARGE THAN I USED TO BE. Yup, I’m losing weight! Sam says it must be at least 100 pounds since spring, judging from the overall shape of my body, the fact that my favorite nightgown keeps falling off, and I can finally wear my wedding ring again for the first time in almost SIX YEARS. Yee-haw!

I’ve got a pleasant list of FREE FONTS for you tonight! I think my two favorites will probably surprise you: “Porceleina” and “Sagona.” I’ll use “Porceleina” for greeting card designs for The Howdygram Store, and “Sagona” includes nine weights with matching italics. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE ITALICS. They’re a perfect companion for a font called “Liebe Ruth” that I use all over the Howdygram for sidebar graphics, photo captions and so on ... except I’ve always been annoyed that it doesn’t come with any italics. “Sagona” is a perfect match!

You’ll find download links after the graphic so you can grab some of these for your own personal font collection.

Incidentally, the font “Money Penny” (see previous section) includes several dozen gorgeous, highly useful and free digital rose gold background images ... foil, confetti, glitter and assorted strange textures. All high-resolution and SEAMLESS, so they can be tiled in every direction to make a gigantic background that’s as big as a Buick! Four sample images appear below for your possible interest.

I really need to eat something with gravy on it now. Thanks a million for stopping by and don’t forget to remember the Alamo!

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