Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Never trust the inmates.

Happy first day of June, boys and girls! I’ve decided to squeeze in this Howdygram post between all the heavy thunderstorms and pounding rain we didn’t get, thanks to the lying sacks of poo at who wouldn’t recognize a heavy thunderstorm if it blew into town wearing a goddamn name tag. What a bunch of fucking idiots. When I went to bed last night we were expecting four hours of severe weather starting at 6:45 a.m. — FOUR HOURS! — and we got exactly nothing.

However it’s slightly cloudy in case that counts for something.

The forecast has now been revised somewhat with occasionally-severe storms and a shitload of rain expected to begin at midnight tonight and continue off and on for two solid days. I’ll believe it when I see it, cupcake, and the useless staff of can go jump in a hole somewhere.

Our latest Putz of the Week will be a familiar face if you routinely read the national news. Already-incarcerated asshole Drew Peterson, 62, a former suburban Chicago police officer, was found guilty on Tuesday of attempting to hire a hit man to murder the prosecutor — Will County State’s Attorney James Glasgow — who put him behind bars for killing his wife.

The new charges carry a prison sentence of up to 60 years and will be added to the 38 years Peterson is already serving for the 2004 murder of Kathleen Savio, his third wife. In case you’re interested, the hit man was the relative of a fellow inmate. Which brings us to a valuable life lesson: NEVER TRUST THE INMATES, YOU MORON!

And now I’d like to cram a couple of popular Howdygram features back-to-back again today because they always fit together so nicely. First, here are today’s OUTSTANDING FREE FONTS! Truth be told, however, two were free — “Fundead” and “Warmonger” — and “Piekos FX” is a family of six fonts that actually cost real money from, a website that sells amazing fonts for comic book designers. Therefore I will request a nominal 25¢ donation via email if you want the zip file for “Piekos FX.” Thank you.

Here are three collections of high resolution digital papers that I bought on sale from Etsy a couple of days ago ... 36 neutral patterns in beige and gray, 10 purple foils and metal textures, and 18 really exciting gold foil “overlays” with transparent backgrounds so you can layer them on top of any color or other artwork.
And of course my week wouldn’t be complete (and it’s only Wednesday!) without another free update of The Ultimate Gold Box, a collection of 100 beautiful gold backgrounds for $10 that I bought from Creative Market at the beginning of May. About 15 minutes after I finished that initial transaction the designer (Charlie) sent me a download link for the same 100 backgrounds in rose gold ... FOR FREE, apparently oblivious that other designers sell different colors as standalone packages and actually make money on the deal. One week later Charlie sent me the same 100 images in copper and blonde gold. At that point I’ve got 400 exquisite high-resolution digital background images and didn’t have to spend an extra dime.

Then we started with “free updates” — Charlie’s latest effort to not make any money — consisting of more free images in all four colors every month for 12 months. Except Charlie not only isn’t charging money for anything, he also doesn’t own a fucking calendar. I received six updates from him in May alone, each averaging 20 to 40 images in yellow gold, copper, rose gold and blonde gold. The average size of each image is about 10 MB. At this rate I’ll need a new iMac (and a new hard drive) by Thanksgiving. A sample from yesterday’s free update appears below.
You can stop now, Charlie. Seriously.

The Howdygram is grieved to announce the death of Jan Crouch, 78, the terrifying Jesus-lovin’ Barbie doll who founded the Trinity Broadcasting Network in 1973 with her late husband, Paul. They appeared together for decades on the “Praise the Lord” TV program, where Paul vomited his prosperity gospel and Jan flitted around the stage loaded down with diamonds, a pink cotton candy wig and five-ton eyelashes. Because this is what a rich Christian woman is supposed to look like, people! Millions bought into their bullshit and made the Crouch family unbelievably wealthy, with a private jet, 30 homes in California, Texas, Tennessee and Ohio, and a pair of matching mansions in a gated Newport Beach community. Matching mansions?! Praise Jee-zus!

I had a live chat altercation this evening with a bozo named “Smitha” from Amazon when I needed an explanation for three-day shipping on a Prime purchase I’d just made. Why should it take three goddamn days to get my Maruchan teriyaki noodles when Prime is supposed to guarantee delivery in two days?! So I tried live chat because I love to type. The following is an actual copy-and-paste thing for your possible amusement.

AMAZON: Hi. How can I help you today?

MARCY: Why is it taking three days to get my Prime order? Prime is supposed to guarantee two-day delivery.

AMAZON: Our delivery estimates are based on item availability and selected delivery speed. The most up-to-date delivery estimate will display during checkout. If an item isn’t readily available, shipping selections may reduce shipping transit time but won’t impact how long it takes us to obtain the item or prepare it for shipment.

MARCY: I have no idea what you just said.

AMAZON: I’m sorry for misunderstanding me. Let me clear you, it will be ship in 4–5 hours, once the order ships out a carrier is assigned to the order, once the carrier is assigned I will personally contact the carrier and ask them to delivery the package as soon as possible, as the carrier takes two days to deliver the package to destination. However I will request them to deliver it first with high priority. I hope you are now understanding me.

MARCY: Sorry, but I’m NOT understanding this. The point is ... as a Prime member I’m supposed to receive my orders in two days. This one is taking THREE days. Can you please upgrade my shipping speed so I receive the order on Friday and not on Saturday?

AMAZON: I’d be happy to do that however as the order has already entered in to advance shipment process we cannot upgrade the shipping speed, please do not worry I will keep an eye on it once the order ships I will contact the carrier and you will receive the item on Friday. Is that okay?

MARCY: Yes. Thank you. Bye.

I’m completely convinced that I accomplished absolutely nothing and there’s no way my order will arrive on Friday. Please drop me an email if you’d like to take odds on this.

Thanks for stopping by tonight. I have to take a shower now and swallow a bunch of pills.

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