Monday, March 28, 2016

The week from hell. First it’s Brussels, then it’s the Pez Museum in Connecticut!

Yes, friends ... last week was the week from hell. First we saw another terror strike in Brussels, then a herd of greedy parental assholes ruined a children’s Easter egg hunt at the Pez Museum in Connecticut. I wouldn’t joke about this. Seriously.
According to a local news station, officials at the Pez Visitor Center in Orange, Connecticut, hid over 9,000 eggs on three different nearby fields and planned to stagger the starting times to give children of all ages an equal shot at finding them. But it didn’t quite work out that way because hundreds of parents bum-rushed the fields like a plague of fucking locusts — before the event started! — AND TOOK ALL THE CANDY.

Parent Lisa Stahl wrote on Pez’s Facebook page: “Shame on the person that bloodied another child’s nose and to those of you who hogged all the eggs for your own kids. If anyone is to blame for what happened today it’s the parents who tore down the signs and those who encouraged their kids to go from field to field instead of staying in their designated area.”

Parent Val McCormick said the hunt “was worse than being at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.” Holy shit. That’s BAD.

Should anybody really be surprised? It’s just a gang of “me first, to hell with everybody else” Christofascists teaching their kids how to make America great again. Congratulations and happy Easter, you selfish shitheads.

Whoa. I completely forgot to post my annual Happy Easter graphic yesterday! However I’m positive you’ll forgive me because I was mostly involved in one of the following alternate activities: 1) sleeping; 2) designing new greeting cards for The Howdygram Store; and 3) eating sugar-free fried pies from Fuel City. It was a fascinating and highly productive day even though I had to take a large volume of prescription painkillers. (I love drugs.)

To make amends for missing Easter I think Sam and I should watch Ben-Hur (1959) tomorrow starring Charlton Heston and a lot of Romans. Heston was an amazing hunk in this movie. Later on in life — after he got back to Jerusalem and won the chariot race — Heston traded his whip for guns as a Second Amendment fanatic and an NRA spokesgoon.

And while I’m on the subject — guns, the NRA and the goddamn Second Amendment — please take a moment to sign the right-wing’s petition on pleading with event organizers, law enforcement and Governor John Kasich to please PLEASE allow guns at the Republican National Convention this summer in Cleveland due to terrified attendees demanding their “God-given Constitutional right” to defend their families from ISIS. Out of curiosity, when did God write the Constitution?

I think guns at the Republican convention are an excellent idea. The bigger the better. As a matter of fact, GUNS SHOULD BE MANDATORY. Imagine tens of thousands of reactionary lunatics — the cream of the Second Amendment crowd — who hate each other’s miserable guts, all armed to the teeth ... on national television! I WANT TO RUN THE BULLET CONCESSION IN THE LOBBY!
Please use the link below to sign this petition immediately. Democrats everywhere will be eternally grateful. Thank you!

The Howdygram’s latest Putz of the Week is none other than former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, the conniving douchebag who’s serving a 14-year sentence for extortion, bribery and wire fraud at the federal penitentiary in Littleton, Colorado. As a quick refresher, Blago is the idiot who tried to “sell” Barack Obama’s vacant Illinois Senate seat to the highest bidder when the president launched his first campaign for the White House in 2008. He also tried to hold the Chicago Tribune hostage for writing negative editorials about him. (Donald Trump won’t get away with shit like this, either.) Blago was impeached in 2009 and began serving his prison sentence in 2012.
So why is Blagojevich in the news today? Because this morning the U.S. Supreme Court rejected his final appeal, and Blago will have to remain an incarcerated loser in Littleton, Colorado, until at least 2024. Rumor has it he’s got snow white hair now. That’s what happens when you’re not allowed to bring a case of L’Oreal Excellence Dark Brown #4 to prison with you.

I’ve got three GLORIOUS FREE FONTS for you today! I love all three, to tell you the truth, and especially because you can have them for zero money whatsoever. However “Jack Font” is available for free this week only as a limited-time giveaway from Creative Market. So if you want it, grab it NOW. Thank you!

And finally ... it’s already been two months since the FBI shot and killed LaVoy Finicum, a prominent militia goon from the Bundy-led occupation of the Malheur Federal Wildlife Refuge in Oregon, but threats to officials, including the governor and local law enforcement, continue to pour in according to the Seattle Times. LaVoy Finicum has been elevated to martyr status by right-wing gun-humpers in a fairtytale version of the facts. The truth is, Finicum was armed and reaching for a weapon when he was shot, after evading an FBI roadblock and crashing his SUV into a snowbank. Holy crap, am I right?
Threats to Oregon Governor Kate Brown and Harney County Sheriff David Ward continue to arrive through email, social media and phone calls. Other threats are directed at state troopers and FBI agents.

“You killed an unarmed rancher, so now one of you must die,” one caller told the Governor’s office. Another message demands the release of militia members that have been arrested and are being held on federal charges related to the January occupation, as well as Big Daddy Bundy himself, when he arrived at the Portland airport to rescue his idiot sons and got greeted instead by the FBI.

I desperately need a nap and a movie right now. Thanks for stopping by, okay?

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