Tuesday, March 8, 2016

My feet are killing me, I have to pee and I can’t find the goddamn remote.

Another night, another night of lousy sleep ... which clearly can be diagnosed as the cause of my latest ailment: Spontaneous Senior Citizen Mental Illness. I conked out in the family room last night around 11 and woke up at 1:45, dazed and confused. Sam had gone to bed, the TV was off but the lights were on, and I have to admit ... I got VERY FREAKED OUT. The first thing I did was drop the remote for the floor lamp — yes, our floor lamp has its own remote! — which ricocheted off the base of the side table and wound up somewhere under the chaise where I couldn’t see it. I immediately started to CRY because that’s what all adults do when they wake up in the middle of the night in a brightly-lit room and develop a brain hemorrhage thinking ... Jesus Christ, my legs are killing me, my feet are killing me, I have to pee AND NOW I CAN’T FIND THE GODDAMN REMOTE!

I don’t know when life got so complicated. This shit used to be EASY, you know?

Even worse, I’m grieved to report that Sam discovered ANOTHER LEAKING PRESSURE SORE on the back of my thighs last night ... this time it’s my left leg, the same damn spot that healed up a month ago. We’ve added this additional new hoo-hah to our nightly bandage-and-dressing regimen.

It’s 10 a.m. and our big stormy brouhaha finally rolled in from Abilene and points west. As you can see on the following map, the line of storms in question is literally right on top of us now and dumping very heavy rain in and around Howdygram headquarters, which is denoted by the bright red star off to the right.

In addition to all this intense incoming weather, the City of Mesquite apparently picked right now to dig up our neighbor’s front yard to look for a water pipe leak. The’ve got a backhoe and assorted other heavy equipment out there blocking our driveway — Sam HATES it when people block our driveway! — and then SOMEBODY SHUT OFF OUR WATER WITHOUT NOTICE about an hour ago. What the fuck?! How can the city just shut the water off without leaving a note or knocking on the front door to see if we’re home? Sam is pissed about THIS, too, except he had to show up at work two hours early today to impress some clients and didn’t have time to hang around at home screaming at people.

Therefore I’ll cope the best way I know how ... with extra prescription painkillers and SLEEP.

I’ve got two scary product recalls to share with y’all today. First, a mystery food supplier called Progressive Gourmet has recalled their shitty sausage, egg and cheese English muffin breakfast sandwiches from Starbucks stores in Arkansas, Texas and Oklahoma due to possible Listeria contamination and they don’t want anybody to get poisoned by accident. Listeria was detected on a contact surface within the production facility but the actual sandwiches have not tested positive. Starbucks customers can return any uneaten product for a full refund. However if you’re already dead there’s not much anybody can do for you. Oy, right?
Second, Perdue Foods LLC has recalled 4,530 pounds of chicken nuggets produced for Applegate Farms. The product has been contaminated with small chunks of solid, clear plastic inside the nuggets. The recall specifically affects 8-ounce boxed packages of Applegate Naturals Chicken Nuggets (about 18 pieces) that were produced on September 28, 2015, with a “best before” date of 09/27/2016. Fortunately, the plastic chunks are low-fat and gluten-free.

I probably need a nice long nap now since I only had two hours of sleep overnight and a cheesy two-hour nap this morning before the storms started. Thank you for reading this and I hope you have a pleasant day. Tell your friends about the Howdygram, okay?

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