Sunday, January 31, 2016

I don’t think I feel well enough to digest anything heavier than half a rotisserie chicken with barbecue sauce.

I meant to write a Howdygram post yesterday but it was just one of those days. I FELT LIKE TOTAL CRAP. This included: 1) my left heel; 2) the back of both thighs with pressure sores; 3) my knees; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. Except regarding my heel, it hurt so damn bad yesterday I couldn’t stand on it barefoot and wound up wearing my clunky black specialty shoes for plantar fasciitis that make me walk like Frankenstein. There’s good news, though. I feel so much better today — NO HEEL PAIN! — that I’ve decided to celebrate by ordering dinner from King China with steamed dumplings and extra hot sauce.

Holy shit, I’ve got another dead celebrity for you today! This time we’re remembering Mike Minor, the boring dude who played Steve Elliott, Betty Jo Bradley’s husband for four seasons on the tacky 1960s sitcom “Petticoat Junction.” As far as I can tell Minor’s only other work included occasional appearances on “The Donald O’Connor Show,” “Vega$,” “CHiPs,” “The Beverly Hillbillies” and a few daytime soap operas.
Minor was 74 years old when he died. He was also 6'2" tall, liked to play golf and recorded one vocal album in 1966 called “This Is Mike Minor.” Frankly, I think a better title would have been “This Is Not Frank Sinatra.”

While Donald Trump and Ted Cruz fight head-to-head for Most Disgusting GOP Presidential Candidate in United States History, Jeb Bush refuses to be outdone. His latest campaign ads feature his role in the infamous Terri Schiavo case to remind American voters how repulsive any Bush can be when you give him a chance to screw his country.
While he was governor of Florida from 1999 to 2007, Bush intervened in a high-profile right-to-die case that forced a brain-dead woman — in a “medically irreversible, persistent vegetative state” — to remain on life support for 15 years in opposition to her own and her husband’s wishes. Right-wing Republicans dragged Terri Schiavo’s case from court to court to court all the way into Congress, where President George Dubya Bush eventually signed the “Palm Sunday Compromise” bill in March 2005 to force Terri Schiavo back onto a feeding tube.

Apparently Jeb’s current super PAC war chest is floating in millions that have to be spent, so the Florida frat boy is blowing a fortune to remind Americans how dysfunctional the GOP is and how much they love big government overreach to interfere with Americans’ lives.

Bush’s ad is sickening. He claims that while he was running Florida he “fought time and again for the right to life” with an accompanying image of someone leaning over Schiavo in her hospital bed. Poor stupid Jeb seriously thinks this will “shock and awe” the Republican base to shift their support from Turd Cruz and Donald Trump. Not really, you clueless shithead! Most Americans will simply be reminded that pandering to the religious right-to-life movement means Republicans will use the federal government to “directly contravene” into private decisions that are none of their goddamn business.


Good news. I’ve got more new fonts for you today! As always, these are COMPLETELY FREE and ABSOLUTELY ABOVE AVERAGE. Plus, fonts can be the perfect Valentine’s Day gift for that special someone in your life. Just tie them to a box of chocolates! Download links appear after the graphic so you can grab a few for your own collection.

Thought you might like to see some of the thrilling “extras” included with a few of these fonts. For instance, “Anastasia” has two alternate capitals, three different variations for every lowercase letter and tons of fancy little ready-made catchwords. “Dasha” has three alternates for every capital, at least 16 variations for every lowercase letter, a dozen different ampersands and a decent collection of catchwords. “Steinweiss” has large and small curclicue capitals, tons of catchwords and an amazing assortment of kerning pairs (professionally-adjusted space between two commonly used letters) that give retired graphic designers like yours truly a heart attack.

I have a news bulletin for you. I’M REALLY SICK. I woke up at 4 p.m. from my afternoon nap with a raging fever of 99.5° — “normal” for me is 97° — plus severe joint pain, body aches, chills and an overwhelming craving for lemon Jell-O, ginger ale and a coloring book. I feel extremely shitty. Even worse ... SAM ISN’T HOME! At 3 he walked about four miles to Pep Boys on the other side of town to pick up our Hyundai (he dropped it off yesterday for routine maintenance) and it wasn’t ready on time so he’s still sitting in the customer lounge and I’m holding down the fort at Howdygram headquarters with a thermometer. I was hoping to order dinner from King China tonight I’m not sure it’s really worth it. I don’t think I feel well enough to digest anything heavier than a bowl of soup or half a rotisserie chicken with barbecue sauce. Please send me a heartfelt get well message as soon as possible.

Thank you for your support.

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