Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Although I’m not exactly sick, I’m not really well, either.

To my regular readers who’ve been wondering if I’m dead or alive over here at Howdygram headquarters, I am most certainly alive. I think. It’s been four whole days since my last post, an activity I’ve been putting off for a variety of personal reasons that I’ll share below in neat little subtitled paragraphs. Thank you.

LACK OF MOTIVATION. Crazy, right? I wanted to write but just couldn’t seem to get started. This is something I’ll refer to as prosaic constipation. And incidentally, please let me know if I’m using the word “prosaic” incorrectly; I can’t even get motivated to look it up in the dictionary.

I DON’T FEEL GOOD. Although I’m not exactly sick, I’m not really well, either, and I haven’t been well for a long time, a situation that makes me better-suited for taking naps and painkillers than writing hilarious shit about Republicans. Some of my ongoing medical issues include: 1) diabetes; 2) shortness of breath due to atrial fibrillation; 3) severe heel pain from plantar fasciitis and tarsal tunnel syndrome, both caused by diabetes; 4) diabetic peripheral neuropathy in both feet; 5) arthritis pain; 6) severe edema; 7) hangnails; 8) a neurogenic bladder; and 9) the baby toe on my left foot doesn’t feel so hot, either. Bottom line ... sometimes I get overwhelmed and need a break. I know you’ll forgive me. You could also send sugar-free Jell-O.

I WAS BUSY REDESIGNING MY BLOG. If you come back to the Howdygram regularly you’ll notice our latest round of changes, such as an exciting new banner, new text colors, new navigation buttons and new colors in all the sidebar graphics. Once I start tweaking it usually takes a few days to make some final decisions, plus redesigning the Howdygram is the best way I know to stop thinking about knee pain and foot pain and why do I have so much trouble making it to the bathroom.

I’M PRETTY MUCH SICK OF POLITICS. The 2016 Republican clown car is giving me a brain hemorrhage and I’ve seen enough of Donald Trump’s ugly face and freak-show hair to last 10 lifetimes. I want this to be over and I want him to go away. You can help. VOTE DEMOCRATIC IN NOVEMBER!

You knew it wouldn’t take long, right? Sarah Palin, our latest Putz of the Week, is playing the victim card again by blaming her asshole son’s intoxicated domestic violence arrest on — who else? — President Obama! On Monday Track Palin, 26, punched his girlfriend in the face and then threatened to shoot himself in the head with an AR-15 assault rifle.
On Wednesday Sarah suggested while campaigning for Donald Trump that her son’s arrest was caused by post-traumatic stress disorder from his service in the U.S. military and the blame for his condition ultimately rests with the Obama administration because they don’t give a shit about veterans. She said: “It makes me realize more than ever for the sake of America’s finest that we have that commander in chief who will respect them and honor them.”

Sarah, you have everything ass-backwards again. First, your son was in Eye-Rack in 2008 before the Marxist from Kenya was Commander-in-Chief, and second, since when does Donald Trump “respect and honor” veterans? He’s the asshole who never served in the military  but had the gall to mock John McCain as a “loser” for being a POW during the Viet Nam war!

I suppose you’ll also find a way to blame Bristol’s two unwed pregnancies on President Obama, too.

And another thing. If Track Palin has a verifiable mental disorder WHY THE FUCK DOES HE HAVE AN ASSAULT RIFLE?! Good thing he’s exercising those Second Amendment rights to shoot himself in the head with a legal assault weapon while dealing with PTSD. I hope the media jumps all over this shit.

You’ve had your 15 minutes, Sarah. It’s time for the Wasilla Hillbillies to GET LOST already.

Hey, I have a few more fantastic new FREE FONTS to share with you! My favorites here are “Master of Break,” “Jackham” and “Queen Caps.” The “Microbrew Ornaments” doodads aren’t half-bad, either. I’ll include download links after the graphic in case you want any of these for yourself.

There’s a lot more I could write but I think I’ll wait until tomorrow because Sam just got home from work and I’d like to hang out with him for a while. Thank you for your support. Seriously.

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