Tuesday, July 7, 2015

In Texas it’s apparently okay to stand up for the rule of law by ignoring the U.S. Constitution.

It’s actually happening, people! Two hard-working and seriously sweaty geniuses from Re-Bath of Dallas were here all day gutting our master bathroom with a jackhammer, making plenty of noise and lots of progress. Today they ripped out our shower, including the shower bench, the shower pan, a shitload of ceramic tiles and all the old plumbing. They also remediated some mold under the bench and behind the wall tiles resulting from a seriously shitty job last summer by Clayton and the grout people, who spent three months trying to fix a problem with discolored baseboards and didn’t realize it was caused by a water leak from the shower. (Idiots.)

In case you care, our new shower plumbing features TWO shower heads — a “rainfall” head near the ceiling and a hand-held whatnot for senior citizens who need to sit down, such as moi — and the City of Mesquite is sending an inspector tomorrow to approve the work so Re-Bath can continue with the rest of their installation. THIS WILL BE SO GORGEOUS I MIGHT HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!

I receive a shitload of email ads from Russell Stover and thought it might be fun to start sharing them with YOU. Today’s ad knocks ten bucks off any order of $45 or more (through July 12), which is a pretty good deal if you’re an addict who doesn’t mind receiving overpriced melted candy in 95° weather.
FYI, you don’t need a promotion code to get your discount because it’s subtracted automatically in your shopping cart. Bon appetit!

Mazel tov to the state of Texas ... we have our first test case! Irion County Clerk Molly “Einstein” Crimer refuses to license same-sex marriages, and the U.S. Supreme Court with its illegal unelected judges can just go straight to hell already. Those damn sinners.

Crimer announced on Monday that she will NOT be issuing  marriage licenses to same-sex couples no matter what. The U.S. Supreme Court be damned. The U.S. 5th Circuit Court be damned. Her oath of office be damned. Crimer is going to follow her personal version of natural law no matter what anybody says.

“To keep my oath to uphold the Constitution, I must reject this ruling that I believe is lawless,” Crimer said. “I have to stand for the Constitution and the rule of law.” Crimer is backed by the Liberty Counsel, a nonprofit public interest law firm that serves as the legal arm of Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University, which apparently, like Crimer, is another bunch of Einsteins that believe a county clerk is within her rights to declare federal laws unconstitutional.
Mat Staver, founder and chairman of the Liberty Counsel, said: “Like Molly, each of us should vow not to be intimidated but, instead, to stand united for our God-given liberties and the rule of Law.”

So you should stand up for the rule of law by ignoring the U.S. Constitution? Got it.

Just in case any gay Texans with a full tank of gas are thinking about tying the knot this week and feel like starting a hoo-hah, you can get to Mertzon, the Irion County seat, by taking Interstate 20 west to TX 206 south. The clerk’s office is at 209 N. Parkview Street. After Crimer turns you down because of Jesus, head northeast on U.S. 67 to Irion County’s U.S. District Court in San Angelo, where you can file your lawsuit at the O.C. Fisher Federal Building and U.S. Courthouse located at 33 East Twohig Avenue. Godspeed, y’all, and don’t forget to send pictures.

I don’t know how the hell this could have happened, but the Howdygram forgot to wish George Dubya Bush a very happy 69th birthday yesterday.

Dubya rose to power on the American people’s sincerely held religious belief that a President should be someone with whom you can enjoy a beer. I’m not sure how Dubya ever qualified for a popularity contest like this as he’s been a recovering alcoholic since 1986. Perhaps America is just one big nation of enablers.
Had it not been for an evil slob named Osama bin Laden, Dubya’s two terms might have gone down in history as a boring rerun of his father’s administration, which was also a boring rerun of Ronald Reagan’s. But then Osama bin Laden and his dickhead buddies murdered a few thousand Americans, and Bush stepped forward to become the first and only national leader in human history to launch two expeditionary land wars in Asia while simultaneously cutting taxes.

The Bush years were a very bad time to be a liberal. It was so bad, in fact, that I hesitate to compile a How Bad Was It? list because I’m pretty sure it could go on forever and I might miss dinner. Instead, here’s a comprehensive list of what Dubya did right:
  • George W. Bush did a better job of combating HIV/AIDS in Sub-Saharan Africa than any other president.
  • George W. Bush kept himself fit by mountain biking.
  • George W. Bush became a not-bad painter if you don’t mind tacky dogs and self-portraits in the bathtub.
  • He dodged that shoe.
And that is literally the entire list because George W. Bush sucked and everyone who ever voted for him should be reminded daily of their shitty judgment for the rest of their lives.

Oh yeah. Happy birthday.

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