Sunday, July 2, 2017

“At some point in the future we’re going to look back and say, how did we do it without space?”

Here’s wishing y’all a very happy Second of July, a day with no significance whatsoever unless you’re the poor slob who has to spend two hours in line at Wal-Mart buying hot dogs for the Fourth. As for Sam and me, we’ll just hang out at Howdygram headquarters with some fabulous old movies, Crystal Light peach/mango iced tea and my favorite guilty pleasure for lunch: Mountain House freeze-dried Spaghetti with Meat Sauce [read my review*] for housebound senior citizens who can’t stand up any more to cook things. Sure looks tasty, doesn’t it?
* Written almost two years ago before my taste buds crapped out from diabetic neuropathy,
   this Mountain House review should be updated to FOUR CHOPPERS (maybe even FIVE)
   because I think it’s fine Italian cuisine now. Thank you.

This is our second installment of The Royals, an up-close and personal look at everybody’s favorite family of entitled and overly-privileged white people with a fuckload of really famous ancestors. Today we’ll continue our look at Queen Elizabeth … her education, marriage and the eventual production of four entitled and overly-privileged heirs … Charles (the Prince of Wales), Anne, Andrew and Edward, all bestowed with mountains of fancy uniforms, medals, sashes, kilts, titles and incredible head gear. Including crowns. I love crowns!

THE QUEEN’S EDUCATION. Princess Elizabeth was home-schooled. At 10 years old, after her father’s coronation (in 1936), Elizabeth became heir presumptive (first in line to the throne) and studied constitutional law with Henry Marten, the Vice-Provost of Eton, and religion with the Archbishop of Canterbury. (I think I’d rather blow my brains out.) Elizabeth also learned French from a number of French and Belgian governesses, which always came in handy when visiting French-speaking areas of Canada so they wouldn’t throw tomatoes at her.

THE QUEEN’S MARRIAGE. Princess Elizabeth and Prince Philip announced their engagement in July 1947 and were married at Westminster Abbey four months later. The event was fairly simple by royal standards — there wasn’t even time to hire a D.J. — as Britain was still recovering from World War II, and Princess Elizabeth had to save “clothing coupons” to buy fabric for her dress, like every other bride. There’s no truth to the rumor that she beheaded 628 subjects in order to get her hands on extra coupons.
THE QUEEN’S ROYAL OFFSPRING. There are four: 1) Charles, the Prince of Wales, born in 1948; 2) Anne, the Princess Royal, born in 1950; 3) Prince Andrew, the Duke of York, born in 1960; and 4) Prince Edward, the Earl of Wessex, born in 1964. Although this is probably more than you ever wanted to know about any of these individuals, upcoming Howdygram posts will include biographies and photos for each of them … whether you like it or not. Also Prince Philip.

Here are some wonderful new FREE FONTS for your possible interest … a veritable flood of display fonts, traditional scripts and sans serifs, casual fonts that look hand-lettered, and so on. My favorites here include “Mudstone,” “Gardenia,” “Southbank,” “Sahara” and “Marker Fine Point.” It’s my plan to use “Marker Fine Point” to address birthday card envelopes from now on because it actually looks like my own printing with a fine-point marker. Woo-hoo!

President Asshole gave a brief speech in the Oval Office yesterday to commemorate his executive order resurrecting the National Space Council. What will be remembered most are Trump’s comments about space and space exploration … and Buzz Aldrin’s reaction. Aldrin was an Apollo 11 astronaut and, back in 1969, the second man to set foot on the moon. He is a living legend.

At the ceremony Trump talked about what the country stands to gain by expanding its operations in space. “Our travels beyond the Earth propel scientific discoveries that improve our lives in countless ways here, right here. Powering vast new industries, spurring incredible technology, and providing the space security we need to protect the American people.” What the fuck is SPACE SECURITY?

“Security’s going to be a very big factor with respect to space and space exploration,” Trump blathered on, gazing off into the distance. “At some point in the future we’re going to look back and say how did we do it without space?” At this point Buzz Aldrin wanted to beat the shit out of somebody.
“We know what this is, space. That’s all it has to say, space.” Trump said as he was about to sign his executive order. He then turned to Aldrin and joked, “There’s a lot of room out there, right?”

“To infinity and beyond,” a grinning Aldrin said. However it was soon obvious that everybody in the room understood the Toy Story joke except Trump, but that didn’t stop him from acting like an idiot. “This is infinity here,” Trump continued. “It could be infinity. We don’t really know. But it could be. It has to be something, but it could be infinity, right?”

This might be the perfect time to post the following video from Comedy Central ... “Donny Goes to School.” (Be sure to empty your bladder first.)

I have other topics to include in this post but they’ll have to wait for another day due to a long list of reasons I won’t bother to share with you now. You’ll just have to trust me. And thank you for reading this.

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