Wishing y’all a happy Fourth!

Before I launch into one of my Howdygram rants about old age, a serious shortage of sugar-free cookies, U.S. politics or morons in the news — the latter two typically being the same fucking thing — I want to wish each and every one of you a safe and happy Independence Day with tons of hot dogs, potato salad and Popsicles. Yes, it’s always about the food! And if any of you are enjoying a big hoo-hah holiday fireworks display please email a few photos to me and I’ll post them in the Howdygram. Thank you.

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SENIOR CITIZEN STUFF TO BUY. Yesterday afternoon in between trips to the commode I decided it was time to order a new chairside table for the chaise lounge in the family room. The finish on the old one, which isn’t really very old at all, has been peeling away steadily, and I’ve been craving a lower shelf to replace the “faux magazine rack” thing that’s been virtually useless. So after a very short online search I found the following perfect chairside table on Amazon. The price is right ($36), the size is right (24" x 14" x 24"), the color is right (brown) and several hundred reviewers promise that Sam will have an easy time with assembly, such as LESS THAN 10 MINUTES. My order also qualified for SAME-DAY DELIVERY and the carton showed up on my doorstep by 4:30 p.m. Same-day delivery is a brilliant perk for Amazon Prime customers, and speaking for senior citizens everywhere ... WE FUCKING LOVE THIS AND PLEASE KEEP IT UP!

SENIOR CITIZEN STUFF TO EAT. I highly recommend Green Giant’s Veggie Tots for an exciting low-carb nosh. They come in two flavors  — Cauliflower and Broccoli & Cheese — but I’ve only tried the Cauliflower kind because our Wal-Mart grocery store doesn’t carry the other one.

Please note! If you try to compare Veggie Tots to Tater Tots you’ll be deeply disappointed. They have no similarity whatsoever except for their shape. Cauliflower Veggie Tots taste like cauliflower, and I would imagine that the Broccoli & Cheese Tots taste like — ta da! — broccoli and cheese. DO NOT BE FOOLED. Thank you.

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We only have a small crowd of FREE FONTS for you today, but they’re all winners. Check out this list of nice scripts, interesting display fonts, hand-written options (“Amalfi,” “Storyline,” “Sugar Candy”) and a huge slab serif family (“Abula”) in 14 weights with italics for each. I’ll include download links below the graphic in case you want some of these for yourself.

York • Amalfi • Storyline • Broadway Pack • Sugar Candy • Abula Family • Aprillia

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I’d also like to show off a really nice — and really FREE — graphics from Creative Market that I downloaded on Monday. First is this collection of undersea watercolor clipart and a couple of dreamy undersea background images; second is a neat collection of two dozen hand-drawn organic wreaths in an editable Adobe Illustrator format. Let me know if you want either (or both) of these collections, okay?

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Time to join Sam in the family room for a movie and a nap! Thank you for reading this. Seriously.