Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Anybody know how to make flaming Baked Alaska?

Yo, people! This is the first time since Saturday that I’ve been steady enough to sit at my desk in the study for a couple of hours and type my freakin’ brains out. I’ve been dealing with all of the following health issues: 1) diabetic NEUROPATHY PAIN in my left foot that included my baby toe, arch and heel, plus electric shocks from the top of my foot that radiated into my ankle and shin; 2) a huge BLEEDING BLISTER on the heel of that same foot; 3) severe JOINT PAIN in my knees and elbows; 4) inexplicable major PISHING ACCIDENTS even though I’ve got two bathrooms and two portable commodes for convenient urination; and 5) MIGRAINE HEADACHES due to waking up out of a sound sleep four times in six hours with an exploding bladder. Oy!

Fortunately, at the moment my pain level is way down and I’m glad to post my latest Shit-O-Meter readout for your possible interest. This is definitely an improvement.

More FREE FONTS! I’ve only got a handful for you tonight. They include four nice scripts — “Rosaline” includes all kinds of beautiful swashy things in Adobe Illustrator format — and one dingbats font (“Form Pattern Two”) with several dozen neat little graphic elements to help you create logos or border designs. As always, download links will appear below the graphic.

Here are three borders I threw together as samples. Tell your friends.

I’m especially excited about this week’s freebies from Creative Market. I snagged their Magical Textured Patterns collection, a huge file of ink stamp textures and a Watercolor Wreath Creator kit, with dozens of elements, fancy branches and ready-made wreaths for layering. This is all great stuff, but I’m especially excited about the Magical Textured Patterns. Only five are shown below; the entire collection has about 30. I LOVE THESE! And they’re free! Just shoot me an email if you want any of these files, okay?

Prince Andrew, Duke of York, is the third child of Queen Elizabeth and the Duke of Edinburgh. At the time of his birth in February 1960 he was second in the line of succession to succeed his mother; as of 2017 he is sixth in line behind Prince Charles, Prince William, Prince George, Princess Charlotte and Prince Harry. In that exact order. Impressed?!

After several years at snooty private schools Andrew signed up for the Royal Navy in 1978, where he eventually qualified to fly various helicopters. He saw action on the HMS Invincible during the Falklands War in 1982, and this was a VERY BIG DEAL at the time … every night on the news we were reminded that the Queen’s son is being fired on by ANGRY SOUTH AMERICANS! Prince Andrew remained with the Royal Navy until 2001 and currently holds the rank of Honorary Vice Admiral with a fabulous feathered hat. (I think this dude just loves uniforms.)
In 1986 the Duke of York married Sarah Ferguson. Their wedding, subsequent separation and scandalous divorce ten years later — including photographs of a strange man sucking the Duchess of York’s toes — was a huge hoo-hah in the media. However Andrew was no stranger to scandals of his own, such as: 1) accepting bribes and kickbacks for nepharious arms sales to foreign despots while serving as Britain’s Special Representative for International Trade and Investment; 2) enjoying a four–day holiday in Tunisia in 2008 paid for by Tarek Kaituni, a convicted Libyan gun smuggler, before visiting Colonel Gaddafi in Libya; 3) accusations that he horsed around with underage girls while hanging out with convicted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein; and 4) earning the nickname “Air Miles Andy” for using helicopters to attend functions in England that he could reach easily by car. Average cost to taxpayers: £6,000 per trip.
Apparently it’s well-known in Britain that Prince Andrew has always been covetous of Prince Charles’s destiny and the wealth he derives from the Duchy of Cornwall, because Andrew has a limited state allowance, zero money to support his unemployed ex-wife and adult daughters, and — the straw that broke the camel’s back — following the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee last year Charles announced that Andrew and his family would not be allowed on the Buckingham Palace balcony any more for events.

Holy shit. BANNED FROM THE BALCONY!? That had to be the last straw for poor Andrew, who immediately began whining about his brother openly to friends, staff and family members and refused to accept his fate as a second-rate ribbon-cutter or, in the case of his two useless daughters, Princess Beatrice, 28, and Princess Eugenie, 26, who are now just private citizens with no education, no marketable skills, no marriage prospects and and no jobs.

Andrew’s increasing anxiety over this issue is being fueled by the Queen’s advancing years, because he knows that as soon as Charles is on the throne the Yorks and Wessexes (youngest brother Prince Edward) will be cut off entirely from public royal life. So Andrew sent the Queen a letter (seriously) begging for money from the Sovereign Grant to support his daughters because they have NO EDUCATIONS, a lot of STUPID HATS, SEVERE COUSIN ENVY and THEY’RE BOTH “BLOOD PRINCESSES,” goddamn it! The Queen, of course, shared the letter with Charles, who (when he stopped laughing) promptly arranged for a member of the government “to break it to his younger brother that while he will continue to play a formal role in the Royal Family in the future, his daughters WILL NOT.”

TRY TO LEARN SOMETHING. The Sovereign Grant, which was revised by Parliament in 2011, is an annual support payment to the Monarchy by the government of Great Britain. The Queen and the Prince of Wales also receive (enormous) private incomes through the Duchies of Lancaster and Cornwall. Prince Andrew gets almost nothing whatsoever. His ex-wife and daughters get ZERO.

Two final tidbits of hot royal gossip. In researching this post I learned that Sarah Ferguson wants to apply for residency in Switzerland because she currently spends most of the year living in her and Andrew’s £13 million ski chalet at the exclusive Verbier resort in the Swiss Alps. And even though Sarah is famously flat broke, she refuses to stop using a chauffeur-driven Bentley when she’s in England.

It’s finally time to wrap up this post and move on to other activities … DINNER WITH SAM! Tonight we’re having loaded baked potatoes, Hormel meatloaf from Wal-Mart, ketchup, napkins, cole slaw and sugar free Jell-O for dessert. This is a five-star feast for a housebound old lady like yours truly. The only thing missing would be a flaming Baked Alaska. (I might have to mention baked Alaska to Sam sometime.)

Thank you for reading this.

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