Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Greetings from the land of flying ravioli.

Good morning. It’s 4:25 a.m. and I’m covered head-to-toe in Chef Boyardee mini ravioli. I didn’t do this on purpose, of course. I was trying to consume a ridiculously late dinner that I had to skip eight hours ago due to getting food stuck in my throat, but this time the problem was SEVERE TREMORS in my hands, wrists and fingers. I was eating, carefully, and trying to hold onto that cute Chef Boyardee microwaveable cup when my wrist jerked. Everything landed in the lap of my nightgown except for two ravioli and a shpritz of meat sauce, which sailed onto the memory foam floor mat under my desk.
I managed to clean up about 90% of the mess with paper towels and my Long-Handled Senior Citizen Gripper Thing tool, and now I’m waiting for Sam’s alarm to wake him up for work — only 30 minutes to go! — so he can help me peel off my sauce-soaked nightgown and clean up the floor. If I try to do this without his help the results would be a DISASTER, because one false move and everything hanging from my nightgown will end up somewhere worse. My skin is starting to crawl so let’s change the subject.

In case you’re wondering where I’ve been since my last post on March 28, the answer would be TO HELL AND BACK! On March 30 I was in the family room watching TV, moaning, trying to breathe and rattling with chills when Sam called 911 because I told him I was too weak to get up off the chaise lounge to go to the bathroom. When the paramedics arrived I had a 104.2° fever and 72% oxygen saturation ... and I was actually BLUE by the time I got to Dallas Regional Medical Center here in Mesquite, the closest E.R. to Howdygram headquarters. Initial diagnosis: Pneumonia in both lungs and probably a heart attack. When I was strong enough to move I was transferred to Baylor Garland two days later so I wouldn’t be out-of-network with my health insurance. Altogether I was hospitalized for six days. A pleasant photo of Baylor Garland appears below.
As it turns out I didn’t have a heart attack, thank God, and all the various “procedures” — angiogram, angioplasty, etc. — they were prepping me for never happened, either. I also don’t believe I have, or ever had, congestive heart failure. It was simply (?) double pneumonia, a raging fever and low oxygen. And they remedied that last item — low oxygen — in several clever ways: 1) an oxygen mask; 2) a canula; 3) fancy foggy breathing treatments four times a day; and 4) a high-powered diuretic to remove all the extra fluid in my body.

Double pneumonia and a 104.2° fever could easily be the kiss of death for a senior citizen with diabetes. I’m just saying. We have very shitty immune systems.

Incidentally, that high-powered diuretic was AMAZING, people. I lost 100 pounds of water weight in six days. ONE HUNDRED POUNDS! I was discharged on April 5 and felt like I could fly. Unfortunately, I was also dizzy, dehydrated, weak and trying to get used to severe tremors in my wrists, hands and fingers. (Typing was out of the question. I couldn't even hold a fork to eat.)

I am markedly better today, flying ravioli notwithstanding.

Look at what I’ve got for you! Woo-hoo! This is a stylish herd of beautiful FREE FONTS that includes classics like “Segaon” and “American Typewriter,” unusual display fonts like “Modak,” “Stick-and-Kick” and “Goliad,” one fancy-ass monogram thing and a bunch of striking scripts. As always, download links will appear below the graphic in case you want any of these for your own personal collection.

We also have some free clip art and seamless background patterns, thanks to our favorite every-Monday giveaway at Creative Market. This week we got cartoons of international chefs and lots of little food graphics plus a dozen hand-drawn seamless background patterns.

There’s a very huge hoo-hah going on at Howdygram headquarters! Sam and I are buying a new pair of his-and-hers iMac computers today to replace the “antiques” we’ve been using for the last nine years. BRAND NEW, GORGEOUS iMACS! They both have the 21.5-inch screens, except mine will be souped-up with: 1) the 1.6GHz dual-core Intel Core i5 that boosts up to 2.7GHz; 2) Intel HD Graphics 6000; 3) 16GB 1867MHz LPDDR3; and 4) I TB Serial ATA Drive @ 5400 rpm. I have no idea what any of that means. What the fuck.

In addition, we’re also reserving time with Half-Price Geeks to come over and set up both iMacs, make sure they’re properly connected to our Epson WorkForce printer and to each other, transfer files, and get me connected to Adobe’s new Creative Cloud ... a disgusting rip-off that forces me to rent Adobe software by-the-month rather than just buy it like I used to. WHOEVER THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA SHOULD BE SHOT. Now it’s $600 a year for the rest of my life to operate inDesign, Photoshop and Illustrator. And there’s no senior citizen discount, either. Assholes.

There were a few other topics I wanted to cover in this post but I guess they’ll have to wait for another day. It’s nap-time now, and today’s official sleeping movie will be Lured (1947) starring Lucille Ball, George Sanders and Boris Karloff as a mentally ill fashion designer. (I wouldn’t joke about that.)

Thank you for reading this!

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