Saturday, December 17, 2016

Yo. There’s a “blue norther” on the way today!

Happy Friday morning to you and yours from the friendly senior citizen (i.e., me) at Howdygram headquarters. I just took a look at our five-day weather forecast online and discovered that we’re expecting a “blue norther” here tomorrow. Holy shit, people! A definition follows for your possible interest.

TRY TO LEARN SOMETHING. A “blue norther” is a cold front in the state of Texas marked by a sudden drop in temperature (sometimes up to 25 degrees within one hour), possible heavy precipitation and dark blue skies moving across the state. (Good luck if you’re an old person with arthritis.)

Specifically, temperatures here in north Texas will plummet >50 degrees — from 74° to 22° — with gusty 35 m.p.h. winds. Weather like this makes me damn happy to be a handicapped old coot who gets to stay home and eat buckets of shrimp from Costco. Thank you.

In case you’re wondering how I feel today, let me answer with one word: NOT SO HOT. I’m not having any substantial pain, per se, except for mighty stiff knees when I walk, but there’s a recurring fever thing going on for the last several nights that’s knocking the crap out of me. I’m dehydrated, every muscle in my body aches, I get the chills with severe shivering, and the rash from hell is back on various parts of my body that are none of your damn business. I’ve also had a migraine headache that comes back every afternoon and forces me onto the chaise lounge in the family room, at which time I take a Norco, watch a “sleeping” movie starring William Powell and conk out for a few hours. Oy, what a life.

At the moment it’s 10 a.m., Sam is at the dermatologist having his final two cancerous “age spots” removed, and I’m planning to type like a maniac for as long as I can until I don’t feel well enough to sit at my desk in the study any more. Bear with me, okay?

Holy crap, I’ve got another herd of incredible FREE FONTS for you again! The list below covers a lot of typographic territory, so-to-speak, with scripts and fancy display thingies and a couple of very interesting families. My favorites here are “Ermaifar” and the “Lil Rebel” family ... especially “Lil Rebel” because it comes with a ton of adorable cartoons, dingbats, pre-designed logos, labels, background textures and assorted other whatnots. FYI, the final six fonts in the single-column list at the bottom — “Holiday Brush” through “Nurture” — are all available in one file as the Happy Holiday collection, and “Holiday Bouncy,” “Holiday Cookies” and “Holiday Thick” include multiple overlays so you can layer colors and styles. As always, download links will appear below the graphic.

The Howdygram’s latest Putz of the Week is none other than Rick “Goodhair” Perry, failed two-time Republican presidential candidate, miserable former governor of Texas and washout contestant on “Dancing with the Stars,” season 23. Rick is our Putz of the Week now that his good pal Donald Trump picked him as Energy Secretary ... the same department that Perry famously “oopsed” about during a Republican primary debate back in 2012 when he tried to name the three he’d cut during his first month in office. It’s almost as though Donald Trump is giving America the middle finger, isn’t it? What a clever joke ... appoint Rick Perry to run the department he wanted to eliminate!
Rick Perry is a four-star idiot, having earned a bachelor’s degree in animal science — yes, friends, PIG FUCKING! — from Texas A&M with a C– average. And he failed a course called “Meats.” (In case you’re interested, President Obama’s Energy Secretary is a nuclear physicist.) Incidentally, the only person who probably doesn’t see the twisted irony in Rick’s new job as Energy Secretary is Rick himself, as I’m sure he figures Cheetolini was impressed by his high-energy performances on “DWTS.” Check out the video clip below in case you need a subtle reminder. Here’s our future Energy Secretary in action!

We’ve had a couple of dead celebrities this week, although I’m a little late reporting their stories and you’ve probably already heard about both of them. First up is Bernard Fox, age 89, who died on December 14 in Van Nuys, California. Fox was a familiar British character actor best known as the warlock Dr. Bombay from “Bewitched,” Colonel Crittendon on “Hogan’s Heroes,” Malcolm Merriweather on several episodes of “The Andy Griffith Show,” Captain Winston Havlock 1999’s The Mummy and in Titantic as Colonel Archibald Gracie. Fox also did voice work for Disney’s The Rescuers and The Rescuers Down Under. Cherrio, Mr. Fox!

Next is Alan Thicke, 69, a Canadian-born actor, singer and songwriter best remembered for his portrayal of the patriarch on TV’s “Growing Pains” from 1985 to 1992, a program I never watched because it was stupid, sappy and downright annoying. On Tuesday Mr. Thicke had a massive heart attack playing hockey with his 19-year-old son and died at Providence St. Joseph Medical Center in Burbank, California.
Mr. Thicke also lent his talent to songwriting, having written heart-wrenching and memorable theme songs for numerous stupid TV game shows, including “The Joker’s Wild,” “Celebrity Sweepstakes” and the original “Wheel of Fortune,” and he wrote the theme songs for the sitcoms “Diff’rent Strokes” and “The Facts of Life” with Al Burton and ex-wife Gloria Loring. It’s not as impressive as The Beatles’ catalog, but what the fuck ... it’s a living, right?

Alan Thicke is survived by his third wife and bunch of assorted kids.

I have lots more to write about but the rest will have to wait until later today. At the moment I’m out of time. It’s almost 1:30 Saturday morning, I have to pee and I want to lie down and watch a movie. Thank you for reading this!

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