Friday, September 30, 2016

Holy mother of crap. How do you stuff a hamburger with an all-beef hot dog?

Happy Friday, how’s the family and shalom from Howdygram headquarters! It’s a beautiful September afternoon here in north Texas judging by what I see from the window in the study ... 78° and sunny with zero chance of rain. Absolutely perfect weather for opening day at the Texas State Fair here in Dallas. The big cattle parade is already underway downtown with cheerleaders in white cowboy boots, marching bands and bouncy twinkies with boobies and batons!

That was actually a fantastic segue, because speaking of the State Fair, it’s time once again for our annual look at the Big Tex Choice Awards ... the yearly competition of the State Fair of Texas’ ridiculous, deep-fried NUCLEAR ARTERY BOMBS. Judges at the State Fair awarded “Best Tasting” to the Deep-Fried Cherry Jell-O and “Most Creative” to the Cookie Fries. The awards depicted below are mine. Thank you.
SOUTHERN FRIED CHICKEN AND DUMPLINGS. It took a real genius to decide that cooked chicken should be pulled off the bone, chopped up, packed into balls and deep-fried. Nobody needs chicken that’s been cooked TWICE. This isn’t a modern twist on a southern favorite, it’s just plain STUPID. And check out those idiotic, greasy dumpling turds and the little pot of coagulated gravy. Blecch. 

INJECTABLE GREAT BALLS O’ BBQ. Barbecued beef brisket is hand shredded with bock BBQ sauce, molded into balls, breaded and deep-fried. Served on a bed of coleslaw. Includes its own “pipette” of extra sauce that you can shove into the brisket balls like a miniature Fleet enema. No kidding, people ... this is probably the worst food concept EVER. Picture yourself standing around at the State Fair in 90° heat trying to inject barbecue sauce into balls of rock-hard brisket. 

DEEP-FRIED CHERRY JELL-O. Classic cherry Jell-O in a panko-crusted breading, deep-fried and dusted with powdered sugar. Includes whipped cream and a cherry. WHO THE HELL WOULD EAT SOMETHING LIKE THIS?! It’s sloppy, it looks disgusting, and if you get this for your kids their clothes and chins will be stained for eternity. DON’T BE A LOUSY MOTHER. Buy them funnel cakes instead.
DEEP-FRIED PULLED PORK FUNYUN DINGS. I’m definitely having a problem with this one even though there’s a photo ... and that’s why it earned our “What the Fuck” Award. Apparently this is a “Funyun” (those fake onion ring snacks) stuffed with pulled pork, pepper jack cheese, pineapple slices and bacon, dipped in a batter and deep-fried. Served with a sweet BBQ sauce. This is actually making me gag a little.

COOKIE FRIES. Choose from chocolate chip or sprinkles, these sweet treats are served with your choice of the strawberry or milk chocolate dip. I actually think these are cute and clever at the same time.

BACON BURGER DOG SLIDERS ON A STICK WITH DEEP-FRIED PICKLES. Here’s another one that’s making me gag. It’s a seasoned ground beef patty stuffed with shredded cheddar cheese, bacon, and an all-beef hot dog on a Hawaiian roll. Then it’s stabbed with a skewer, dipped in tempura batter and deep-fried. Served on a bed of shoe string fries with ranch dipping sauce and fried pickles. Holy mother of crap. How do you stuff a hamburger with an all-beef hot dog?!

Today’s herd of LOVELY FREE FONTS includes: “Emerald Brush,” an interesting hand-painted script; “Taller,” which is actually three fonts that look exactly alike except with slightly different names (I’m still trying to figure this out); and a nice hand-lettered sans serif called “A Day Without Sun.” Download links will appear below the graphic so you can add these to your collection.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are on an official visit to Canada, and this time they decided to bring the royal toddlers along to a fun fair for children of military families. Apparenty little Princess Charlotte (16 months) is walking and talking now; there’s video footage of her playing with a balloon arch and giggling “Pop! Pop!” Conclusion: They’ve got two normal cute kids who are exceptionally well-dressed. (Question: How do they get Prince George’s knee socks to stay up all the time?! Crazy glue?)

Thank you for reading this. Try to remember the Alamo, okay?

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