The Howdygram 2: Thank God I’m a housebound senior citizen. The world is scaring me to death.

Oy, I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHIT. Our latest national tragedy features another angry lunatic with a machine gun, this time in a crowded LGBT night club in Orlando. So far 50 are dead and 53 injured, and authorities are calling it the worst mass murder in our country’s history. Once again the Republican shitweasels in Congress have proved their everlasting devotion to the NRA.

You know what? Thank God I’m a housebound senior citizen. The world is scaring me to death.

Before I move on to other important subjects (a couple of new senior citizen food reviews, for instance) I’d like to share four new collections of high-resolution digital images that I bought on Etsy early this morning. First, two bunches of quirky landscapes; 12 different images in each collection. I bought them especially to use as greeting card designs and maybe a few passport holders for The Howdygram Store.

I also bought a collection that’s nothing but vintage roses ... 16 images of assorted patterns and overlays. I’ve never been a huge fan of roses, per se, but this weird 1950s pajama-print crapola seems to sell very well on Zazzle so why not give it a shot. I’m thinking about smartphone cases, wristlets and mousepads. And I also got myself a free 18-image collection of very pretty transparent leaves on parchment backgrounds. In case you care, all of these image collections were on special from the same Etsy store; buy three, get one free. That’s why the leaves were free.

Guess what ... I’ve got a few more EXCELLENT FREE FONTS for you tonight! I love all of these, to tell you the truth, but especially “Ultramoire” because I can’t wait to use it for greeting cards and coffee mug designs for The Howdygram Store. (Yes, I’m really really addicted to my store. Deal with it.) I’ll include download links after the graphic, okay?

Ultramoire • Dyane • Ripple • Knud Script

And now ... let’s check in with the U.K.’s royals! Apparently the fine folks at Buckingham Palace have released a brand new portrait of the royal hoo-hahs in honor of Queen Elizabeth’s 90th birthday. I have to admit, it’s actually a pleasant change to see them looking comfortable and relaxed, not in crazy uniforms and crown jewels that probably weigh more than they do.

Let’s also greet even more royals now ... the entire “next in line” bunch that includes (from left) Charles, the Prince of Wales; Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge holding Princess Charlotte; little Prince George down in front; big Prince William, the Duke of Cambridge; Prince Harry (the bushy face behind Prince William); Queen Elizabeth II in blinding neon green; and Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh. You may be impressed to know that I didn’t have to look up any of their titles! The royals were all gathered on the official balcony at Buckingham Palace a couple of days ago to watch the RAF do a fancy-ass flyover in honor of the Queen’s birthday. Jesus. I’m lucky if I get a Hallmark card for mine.

I’ve got two reviews for you tonight! First ... Velveeta’s incredibly delicious Bacon Mac & Cheese, a shelf-stable product that you heat for one minute in the microwave, squish in the included package of cheese sauce, stir and eat. I have no idea why this meal gets nasty one-star reviews on Amazon; I thought it was FANTASTIC. (Maybe the reviewers should buy theirs online from Wal-Mart like I do, because it’s half the price.) I am pleased to award Velveeta’s Bacon Mac & Cheese with our coveted five-chopper rating.

Review number two is for Hormel’s Compleats Chicken Breast with Mashed Potatoes and Gravy, a surprisingly fabulous little shelf-stable airplane-sized meal that heats in one minute in the microwave and tastes exactly like real food. Exactly what mobility-impaired senior citizens are looking for! I was especially impressed by the hunk of chicken breast itself, which was very big, very juicy and very easy to eat with dentures. All for only $2.36 from Wal-Mart! This product has earned the Howdygram’s coveted five-chopper rating. It was so yummy I just reordered four more and also two packages of the Compleats Chicken Breast with Dressing. Stay tuned for my next review!

Sam, the resident genius at Howdygram headquarters, had a brainstorm today. He wondered why we never tried a “liquid bandage” product to help heal up the leaking pressure sores on the back of my thighs. I’ve been having a hell of a time with these miserable things. Only one sore can be dressed and bandaged successfully with gauze and surgical tape; the others are all in awkward locations where the tape always gets caught on my robe or peels off whenever I stand up. So it’s entirely possible that a liquid bandage product might be the answer. SAM IS SO GODDAMN BRILLIANT! I ordered two different brands from Wal-Mart (see below).